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Stillkicking posted 1/13/2014 14:18 PM

It has been one week since I have been able to give my BS a hug and just hold her, it's been a week since I've been able to tuck my beautiful daughters into bed, kiss them on their foreheads and sing them a bed time song. It has been a week of hard truths, self realization, and a full on evaluation of who I truly am.

I write this as I'm sitting here in this stall trying not to explode into a fury of tears, the full extent of everything that I have done is really starting to sink in. The pain and heartbreak that my beautiful wife has to endure day in, day out and everywhere in between was caused not only by one action, but by a lifetime of selfishness and self service, all the pain, caused by one wretched soul, me. I'm ready to change, I am ready to become honest to world, to my wife, to my self.

As I sit here and reflect on my life, all I see is complete and total destruction and devistation, like a tornado such is my life. How did I reach this point?? Constantly seeking the next "fix" to make me happy, be it material, emotional, or whatever it was never enough. Truth be told I've never been happy with myself, who I was, what I had, always trying to fill the void. I had everything but it still wasnt enough. I remember a couple years ago my best friend said to me "dude, I wish I was you man, you've got it all, a wife who loves you, two beautiful kids, a warm home, vehicles, your happy" and all I could do while he was saying this to me was list of in my head all the reason I wasn't happy with my life, I dismissed everything he said. Any normal person would have day back an took a look and said you know what, your right, I do got it all, but not this guy, because I was not happy with myself. I'm still not happy, but for different reasons, I'm disgusted with who I've become, I'm disgusted for what I stand for, most of all I'm disgusted by my total and utter lack of compassion, love and care for the love of my life. How she has been able to stand by me through all of this while I try an run from her is beyond me.

This is my pledge to myself, to my wife, and to my girls. I WILL find and fix all that is wrong with me, I WILL devote the rest of my life to be a role model for my children, show them what a real father am husband looks like, and most of all I WILL give everything that I am spiritually, mentally, and physically to my TRUE soul mate, my wife.

I can and will do this.

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 2:20 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

Deeply Scared posted 1/13/2014 18:51 PM

Stillkicking...

I think your pledge to yourself is an excellent one!

Anytime we can take a step forward to become better people, more loving and more honest, is always a good thing

You really can do this!!

Clarrissa posted 1/13/2014 19:04 PM

Stillkicking, you've taken a very hard but very necessary step. You've taken off the blinders and *looked* at yourself. No, you didn't like what you saw, few WSs do, but you *looked*. That is HUGE, my friend. That takes more courage than you may realize right now. Being honest with yourself is the first step to being honest with others. You know what you need to change and now you can work to change them. We can help if you let us but the majority of the work is yours. Daunting? You betcha. Impossible? No, not if you're determined to be the best YOU you can be. And your determination comes through loud and clear.

You CAN do this.

dogg posted 1/13/2014 19:06 PM

I take it that you have been unfaithful to your wife. I was recently busted by mine. I'm not sure where your world or mine is going but I believe that coming clean is the start of the process. The fact that you aren't in denial I would say is a good thing. I have been tempted to blame my wife for my infidelity. Yes part of her was the cause but I am to blame for it.
I hope we both can get the help we need to try and heal our marriages.

Stillkicking posted 1/13/2014 22:27 PM

Thank you DS and Clarrisa for your words of encouragement!!!

Dog here is my back story: My wife and I have been together almost 12 years and married for 4 and change. I had three ONS with random people. Two where at sports tournaments and one was on a family vacation. The last one I was almost caught in the act. My wife had this friend from work, that she had been getting really close with (EA unknown to me, hell I didn't even know what ea was and had never heard of one before) and I had thought that I could use this trip to reconnect with her, however when we where there, there was a growing distance between us. And I fell to old coping technics and drank my pain away, and right into a ONS. When we got from the trip I fell into a deeper depression question myself and everything and the whole time she was getting closer to her ap, I started to wake up end of November and realized something wasn't right, so I started searching and discovered a full blown pa. I was destroyed. We decided to make things work and the first couple weeks I was touch of a mess to do anything, then I started to get this nagging feeling, at first it started small and I was able to keep it in the wraps but true and true by and by it kept coming on stronger, it was all my guilt and pain from all three of my ONS coming back, I was no longer able to hide it anymore, feb 4 2013 I confessed to my three ONS. Came clean, destroyed my wife's world. We basically rugswept both hers and mine. The next 6 months where the best six months of our relationship, but I was failing in every other aspect of my life because when I wasn't with her, that's when I would think, and think and think, no focus on anything except how she could have done this to me, oblivious to the fact that I had done it to her, not once but three times.
The fact was that I AM STILL broken. And I used those thoughts and everything I could and I slowly started building resentment and falling into old patterns, closing myself off, and then there she was, the new girl at work, and I don't know why but I was drawn to her, it started with an "innocent" Facebook message. Which my wife had seen the reply to because was showing her something on my phone. At this point there was no proof of an affair ea or otherwise as communication with my AP outside of work had just began with that series of messages. My wife hot upset and I sent a no contact letter which I almost instant broke. I was lying to myself saying that there was nothing there, and so the texting relationship began. It quickly progressed and went from ea to pa. I suggested in house seperation as BS and I where struggling (gee I wonder why) but truthfully it was all for me to begin to distance myself self from my BS. This lasted for a couple weeks maybe about a month. One evening after have more than a few drinks with my buddies I decided that I wanted to go spend the night with my AP, so I drive over an hour to go be with her, we go to a concert at pub and spend the night together. In the morning I decide that this is not what I want so i beeak it off with ap and go home and confess to my wife again. She is devistated, her whole world has just come crashing down around her. Again. She kicks me out I the house and I have been staying at my parents. I break nc again. However I don't see my ap until my last trip home about two months since last physical contact. I work in a camp so I am away for weeks at a time. I has been leaving my truck at BS house and I was flying in this night and told her I would be there to pick it up, my plan being the whole time that I was going to see my AP. well I never made it to my truck, stopped for some drinks and then went over to AP house and spent the night there, and got her to take me to my truck I'm the morning. I explained away to my BS why I was not there to pick up my truck that night. Two days later is my 30 birthday and my BS confronts me, so I tell her it doesn't matter where I was we are seperated, she keeps at it so I tell her. She tells me never to come back. So I spend my 30 birthday drinking with my buddies and texting ap, wake up in the morning and decided I was done, no more. And I haven't spoken to my AP since, no no contact letter just crickets, she never texted me unless I texted her lately so yeah that's my story. Pretty convuluted and messed up.

Yes part of her was the cause but I am to blame for it.

I would have to disagree with this statement, nothing our BSes did caused us to have affairs. That shits ALL on us.

We can get through this it with the work requires and the desire to be a better person for everyone in our lives and for ourselves.

Ps I'm not spellchecking this and sorry for no paragraphs