It has been one week since I have been able to give my BS a hug and just hold her, it's been a week since I've been able to tuck my beautiful daughters into bed, kiss them on their foreheads and sing them a bed time song. It has been a week of hard truths, self realization, and a full on evaluation of who I truly am.
I write this as I'm sitting here in this stall trying not to explode into a fury of tears, the full extent of everything that I have done is really starting to sink in. The pain and heartbreak that my beautiful wife has to endure day in, day out and everywhere in between was caused not only by one action, but by a lifetime of selfishness and self service, all the pain, caused by one wretched soul, me. I'm ready to change, I am ready to become honest to world, to my wife, to my self.
As I sit here and reflect on my life, all I see is complete and total destruction and devistation, like a tornado such is my life. How did I reach this point?? Constantly seeking the next "fix" to make me happy, be it material, emotional, or whatever it was never enough. Truth be told I've never been happy with myself, who I was, what I had, always trying to fill the void. I had everything but it still wasnt enough. I remember a couple years ago my best friend said to me "dude, I wish I was you man, you've got it all, a wife who loves you, two beautiful kids, a warm home, vehicles, your happy" and all I could do while he was saying this to me was list of in my head all the reason I wasn't happy with my life, I dismissed everything he said. Any normal person would have day back an took a look and said you know what, your right, I do got it all, but not this guy, because I was not happy with myself. I'm still not happy, but for different reasons, I'm disgusted with who I've become, I'm disgusted for what I stand for, most of all I'm disgusted by my total and utter lack of compassion, love and care for the love of my life. How she has been able to stand by me through all of this while I try an run from her is beyond me.
This is my pledge to myself, to my wife, and to my girls. I WILL find and fix all that is wrong with me, I WILL devote the rest of my life to be a role model for my children, show them what a real father am husband looks like, and most of all I WILL give everything that I am spiritually, mentally, and physically to my TRUE soul mate, my wife.
I can and will do this.
[This message edited by Stillkicking at 2:20 PM, January 13th (Monday)]