I hit a really rough spot today. I was already touchy from the realization that MrH just has no capacity for empathy, at least when it comes to me. I see it with the kids. I saw it in a couple of emails to xOw2; though he says it was faked. He's very calm and business like. I see lust and anger. A few times over the past years he's cried, mainly when I've gotten to the point I completely froze him out.
Then he forwards something from the leaders of a couple's group we're in. Background: it's supposed to be an infidelity recovery support group. MrH never did the work during the 10-week recovery class and hasn't even really done the lessons for the other studies we've done since then. The guys get together and hold each other accountable for things like porn use. The women get together and mainly just gossip. I've been having a hard time feeling like I belong. The women will let things slip that make it obvious they are talking and supporting each other outside of our group times. This is supposed to be an across the board thing. My texts usually remain unanswered, and I've seen them live on their phones. Even MrH has noticed that they freeze me out.
Basically, a whole new rejection for me. I want to quit the group. Been wanting to for awhile.
In the past six months we've had a talk with the group leaders and MrH is meeting with the pastor that they report to tomorrow. I've been concerned about the program beyond the group dynamics. During the meeting with the group leaders, the wife said they had just been to a weekend intensive and new information was out. Infidelity can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!
WOW! WHO KNEW? Only ME. And everyone else on SI.
Even before reading it on SI I was looking up my mental symptoms and came up with PTSD. Reading the experience of others on SI verified it. I don't put much trust in a program who finds that news, KWIM? This is pretty well known across the board.
I've felt like they think I'm crazy. I've told them MrH wasn't doing what I needed to R. I've said I was silenced. That there was lack of emotion/empathy/remorse. Most of all, a lack of consistent action on his part. I feel that if he can maintain an A for six months he can damn well maintain recovery behavior for six weeks. They've told me that I'm not letting go, I need to move on. He is loving, he is sorry. Unforgiveness is hurting me.
Today the email they sent out (with a comment that it was "interesting").
Basically it was the abstract of a newly completed scientific study on recovering from infidelity. Specifically R. I don't want to quote it b/c from my search it's not been published so I don't want it pointing back to me. The crux of it is they found ten variables in R to rank above an 11th- seeking help.
Now, I've said all along that I can read and post at SI, I can go to IC or talk to friends. That will just heal me. I need MrH to actually participate in order for me to feel the M is healing. I believe in three stages: forgiveness (done w/in you, WS not a factor), reconciliation (WS admits wrong doing and changes behavior you may or may not D with this), and Restoration. In restoration the WS owns their choices, their FOO issues...whatever it takes to fully restore the marital relationship.
IMO, the ten factors listed in the study are what I have been seeking and made to feel like I was crazy by the "outside help" I sought.
Here they are:
-open and honest communication: discussion of feelings/emotions, how you plan to R, how running into the AP will be dealt with and so on.
- discussion of details of the A: how it began, what it consisted of (PA/EA), where it happened, how often...
-the A being ended
- WS's empathy
- BS's empathy
-genuine apology from the WS
-WS acceptance pf responsibility
-mutual understanding of factors leading to infidelity
-WS involvement in trust-building: checking in, wearing ring, access to accounts and records
I've gotten the bare bones of these things. I broke down when I read them. I felt validated. I felt angry. So angry. Years wasted because of people being ignorant. People pushing their own agenda against what I knew in my head and heart I needed. My IC is the ONLY person who has supported me in this and she's been ill since school started. I've been more alone that ever.
It crushed me to read this more than it validated me. Or maybe the validation crushed me. All these years of pain when all it took was someone supporting me and saying to MrH, "Fuck yeah Holly needs this!"
For those who have read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: how many of those points listed are enumerated in the book?