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scream posted 1/13/2014 16:46 PM

Any WS who has been going through this for awhile, ever go through stages? As in the stages of grief and loss? Does it eventually hit us like it does a BS?

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/13/2014 21:10 PM

I have re-posted a thread that fell off the forum that I believe address's the question you ask about stages of grief and loss. I hope it helps.

The process of grieving the marriage is not confined only to the BS. I think that as the WS becomes remorseful, its only natural to grieve the losses that are a result of the affair.

How can we not feel loss? The loss of trust and innocence within the marriage. The loss of self respect and integrity. There are a lot of losses that occur to the WS in the aftermath of the affair.

Hell, as seen in recent posts, there even is a grieving process on the loss of the AP and the affair for some too.

All loss needs a healing process if its to be properly dealt with. In fact, the failure to properly grieve and deal with loss can result in further imbalance within a persons thoughts.


[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 9:21 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

scream posted 1/14/2014 04:37 AM

Thanks Huffi. I am on an emotional roller coaster. For a few weeks I could cry at the drop of a hat. Now its anger. Everybody and every thing. And little things mostly. And hard to shake it. Stickis with me. Teach and I started talking about it. And she said she noticed me becoming withdrawn and distant. Became a trigger. I don't feel like that. But holy shit the rage somtimes. I could be one of those assholes that gets out of the car to yell at someone who cut him off 10 miles earlier. If I met myself, the one that has caused all this, in a dark alley I would kill me. I would look at what this person is doing and just me. Have no remorse for myself. No pity. Anger is all that is in me now. I just need to control it. Or let it go. But its there all the time. When I first started posting on SI I would say "I hate myself for what I have done." Lol....not even close. Now is true hate. Now its felt. And now its always there.

DanteJace posted 1/14/2014 07:38 AM

Yes, I'm definitely going through stages. I'm glad -- even relieved -- to see another wayward spouse even asking the question. (Thank you, @scream.)

The process of grieving the marriage is not confined only to the BS. I think that as the WS becomes remorseful, its only natural to grieve the losses that are a result of the affair.

I read through the "SWIRL" stages posted in the link by @HufiPufi. I found it oddly appropriate; I'm surprised that my stages have pretty much followed that, although I never would have identified as someone having "abandonment issues". So either I do, or whatever I'm going through just happens to line up.

I guess I'm mostly at stage 5 ("Lifting"). But on a bad day, I can see a bit of "Withdrawal", "Internalizing", and "Rage" still seeping through.

[This message edited by DanteJace at 7:40 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/14/2014 08:04 AM

Its important to understand that the stages are not linear in nature.

Rather, the world swirl should give you a visual indication of how the process works. You may find yourself moving from one stage to another as life enfolds. In the morning, you might identify yourself at one stage and half a hour later after being triggered by something, you can find yourself elsewhere in the process.

On real bad days, I have found myself at each stage at one time or the other.

I think the way to work through this is to start identifying when you are at a stage very consciously. What am i feeling. What happened to get me here? Why did that trigger set me off? Why am I reacting this way? By journal ling that process, you can start to see patterns and triggers. Once those are identified, then you have the opportunity to eliminate or reduce the negative impacts and reinforce the positives.

Nobody ever said this road was going to be easy.


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau

scream posted 1/14/2014 08:30 AM

I read the swirl post. A lot of it seems to hold true for me. Just finding it hard to focus. I just wasn't sure what I am going through is normal. Never really showed any true emotion to Teach before. And the last 3-4 weeks have been emotional for me.

HUFI-PUFI posted 1/14/2014 09:42 AM

scream - And the last 3-4 weeks have been emotional for me.

And here I was thinking that the last 4-5 years have been emotional.

Thinking of being emotional, the thread posted the other day about music and songs that evoke or create a strong emotional reaction reminded me of your thread a bit too.

I often find myself shutting off the radio or at least switching stations as certain songs can provoke deep emotional responses. Sometimes guilt and shame or at other times, despair and regret depending on the music.

In general, men historically were not given societal (cultural) permission to get in touch with their feelings and emotions and so, quite often, we struggle to keep a stiff upper lip instead of embracing and expressing our feelings. If any of the readers were raised up by a old-county German father, then they will understand where I am coming from.

Even now, I still tend to hide my tears, fearful of being seen as emotional. When I travel in the car, alone, listening to music and trigger off a song, that is more often than not, the only time that I let myself fully embrace my tears. On a intellectual basis, I know that tears are healing mechanisms but still, I find it hard to let myself embrace crying. Ah, the FOO issues kick in again.

Anyhow, I just want to say that being emotional, whether its rage, sadness, despair or whatever, is a natural part of the grieving process. Even if you find it difficult, at the least, let the emotions exist and don't try and stuff them in the back of your mind. After all, if it makes you hurt, its worth examining.


Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours - Ayn Rand

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 9:43 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

scream posted 1/14/2014 09:57 AM

yeah thanks. wasnt trying to say my shit is worse than others. just not sure of my own footing. or where i am.

Prayingforhope posted 1/14/2014 10:44 AM

The "roller-coaster" they talk about is in full swing with me.

Month 1 - Overwhelming guilt and regret with nothing but the hole in my stomach - couldn't work, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, headaches, everything.

Month 2 - Sorrow and despair. It didn't help that it was over the holidays, but Dec was lost to tears. I cried in church, cried to my kids, cried on the phone with my dad and brother.

Month 3 - The anger comes in rushes now. Angry at the situation, angry at the separation, angry an my BS, angry at ME ME ME for putting myself here.

And the worst part is that none of these states are mutually exclusive, so they sort of build on one another. So in any given day I can go from guilt to anger to sorrow to even happiness(!) and then right back again. Around and around the roller coaster goes.

So I don't think any of this is limited to just the BS, but my situation may be extreme. I was in a LTA that I'm not sure I even wanted. I have some deeper trauma going on that I'm uncovering through IC which is making the emotions all the more explosive...

scream posted 1/14/2014 12:18 PM

Almost 2 years out and the rage or just anger at everyone and everything is stronger than it ever was.

scream posted 1/14/2014 15:05 PM

So today has been the first day in a couple weeks I was able to get through the day with out losing it. So happy and excited to see Teach walk through the door. Anger for now is gone. Just nice to be home with Teach.

Jrazz posted 1/14/2014 15:35 PM

So today has been the first day in a couple weeks I was able to get through the day with out losing it. So happy and excited to see Teach walk through the door. Anger for now is gone. Just nice to be home with Teach.

Love love love it.

We can relate to the anger piece. Crazz went through a HUGE anger phase last year. At first we attributed it to work stress (there was a TON) but it was seeping into everything else. Going through R is hard on the WS in very different ways than the BS. I think that the shame that a remorseful WS experiences can be a huge blow to their system, and make dealing with everyday struggles a lot harder.

Crazz has been seeing a counselor nonstop since DDay, and she was seeing his aggression rise and referred him to a doctor who thought that he would benefit from antidepressants until he could stop the reeling.

I think that this has helped him cope with things a lot better, but it's also caused him to detach a little too much at home so we're trying to work through this. Communicating every day is what keeps things running.

Meds aren't for everyone, but you two remind me of us so much that I thought I'd share.

Hugs to you and Teach8!

scream posted 1/14/2014 17:08 PM

Hey J. Have been on anti since the week after dday. Should have been on them years earlier. May have made a world of difference in my life. Who knows. Just having a day where I didn't want to hit anything or rearend somebody feels good. Like I said earlier the anger wouldn't go away in an hour or 2. It just stayed. And I have never been like that in my life. Teared up at the end of a law and order svu rerun. Had seen countless times and knew the ending...and bam hit me. School bus pissed me off this morning. And that feeling lasted a good 5 hours. But tonight just going to enjoy having some time with Teach. That's the antidepressant I want.

Teach8 posted 1/14/2014 17:12 PM

Sorry for the t/j...

But...hugs right back to you, Jrazz. :) It's nice to see him smile today...and your post made me smile too. Hope you are smiling too.

Jrazz posted 1/14/2014 17:14 PM

Well NOW I am!

Joanh posted 1/14/2014 17:20 PM

This is interesting conversation. I get the grief and the loss. It was one of the first things I had read from a WS about the loss of the innocence of just loving.

But the anger is a hard one. Cause the anger is towards myself, allways had been and it has made me a grumpy a person on the outside or should I say cold.

For me the anger gets to me where I want to scream, I want to make people pay. And yet I know its me I am mad at.

I see it as a death in fact I see my cheating as Marital suicide. We had a discussion the other night because my BH keeps getting angry, than sad, hurt, and it keepsgoing in cycles. Now he will not read a book or IC, so I pass on info. And I talked to him that my betrayal is like loosing a child. The why will never have a just answer, and the how, leaves too many woulda coulda shoulda and what ifs, and that is partially is where the anger comes from.

I believe that is partly what is happening for me. The why is just not acceptable or good enough and really never will be, so the fact is Suicide is never acceptable nor is murder. So the anger at this time I just not going away, So yes Scream I think we do cycle. much like our BS and have to go through the grief as well, to get to the other side.:-(

scream posted 1/14/2014 18:09 PM

Thanks. I can very much see myself in your post. I know where my anger comes from. But to stay with me on an all day path has me worried and confused. But I do understand the loss. When I wrote the letter to my sons that loss hit me. And I think that has really struck me hard. More than I ever realized.

Wayflost posted 1/15/2014 09:43 AM

I had anger from day 1. Jrazz - I also ended up on antidepressants and the anger has subsided for now. Thankfully. They have also pulled me out of the depths of despair. I feel it, but it's not debilitating any more.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 2:54 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

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