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Destroyedlives posted 1/13/2014 18:03 PM

Is it inappropriate to text people for support? I find some times hard to deal/cope with what I've done. Where I work I can't always get on line, I do have access to text. My BS, would have access to my text, though she says "I don't care anymore". I just get confused sometimes and need that little word of encouragement.

Deeply Scared posted 1/13/2014 18:17 PM

Destroyedlives...

This is an area that you and your W must have a solid agreement on. If you both don't sit down and talk about it than I would recommend you don't start text conversations.

dogg posted 1/13/2014 19:10 PM

As long as she knows about it and you don't have your cell phone password protected I don't see the harm. But this is coming for a man who just got busted a little over a week ago. So keep that in mind.

Deeply Scared posted 1/13/2014 19:25 PM

As long as she knows about it and you don't have your cell phone password protected I don't see the harm

There is a lot of harm, even if she knows about it. They really need to have an agreement.

When emotions are this high, she may know about it but when push comes to shove, she could easily say "just because I knew about doesn't mean I agreed to it..." type thing. And with that, it starts all over again.

Communication is key when trying to sort through all this mess.

DanteJace posted 1/14/2014 10:45 AM

Is this the nut of your conundrum?:

As a wayward spouse, you'd like access to your support network (sometimes via txt msg), and feel that sometimes that should be a private matter between you and whoever you are turning to for support.

BUT having any private conversations is not conducive to the trust you are trying to rebuild with your wife... as how can she tell the difference between "support" and "starting to sneak around again"?

If so... that's a tough one. She MIGHT be able to see the need and agree for you to have your sources of private support. Can you come to a compromise, something like "if I am honest with you about WHO I'm contacting for bonafide support, will you be able to let me keep those conversations private?"

Basically, the only answer is it comes down to communication, as @DeeplyScared said.

heforgotme posted 1/14/2014 10:57 AM

The only place I am comfortable with FWH going to for support re:infidelity is here. Bc I have learned that if someone hasn't been through this, no matter how well meaning or marriage minded they may be, can give some really inaccurate advice.

Many, many people confuse "support" with "telling someone what they think they want to hear".

Here you will get the truth. Good, bad, ugly, or pretty. Bc we know first hand.

My BS, would have access to my text, though she says "I don't care anymore".

If she doesn't say, "Hey, great idea!", then I wouldn't do it.

Good luck.

Wayflost posted 1/14/2014 16:09 PM

I've been working on this issue myself. The only text requests for help I make are usually, "Please tell me everything is going to be ok." Unless I'm talking to my C. That seems acceptable to both of us. I get what I'm really looking for, and am not sharing details that belong between my BH and myself.

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