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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: what is family... Is your WH your family
Gottagetthrough
27325
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I had a messy divorce. Three court dates, police were called, private investigators (yes, more than 1) were hired...

Then, at the end of the divorce process, WH had effectively 'won the divorce' and he realized, it wasn't me that was bothering him--- it was HIM. Got his butt to a psychiatrist, he was diagnosed bipolar I, put on lithium, and within a few weeks (maybe days) he was calling me saying how he had messed up, he left OW, stopped abusing prescription meds, and here we are three years into R.

Al of this has made me realize, I don't think of WH as family. If you can throw someone away that easily... No, I don't think of him as family. His mom, sisters, etc... nope. None of them kept in touch during the divorce, and they all bad mouthed me. Welcomed OW into their lives and homes... Nope, they are not my family either.

So where does that leave ME. I think of my mom and sister as family. They are the people who would give me a kidney. And truthfully, WH might too, but just because he would be lost without me.

I do feel like WH and MIL, SILs, etc are my kids family. So I go along and try to facilitate a relationship for their sake, and really, that's why i'm in R. But as for me, I don't feel like WH is my family.

How about you all... Is your WH your family... the farther you go in the reconciliation process, does that change, and do you let him back into the family circle

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:26 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Jan 2010
PinkJeepLady
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gotta)))
You sound sad, I am sorry. You have a good question to ponder. I am wondering about you still referring to him as "WH" instead of "FWH" by now? I still use WH because I don't think my H is putting 100% effort into R, I hope he does soon.

I do view WH much differently since dday, but I think I consider him family still. More distant and not close like I think we were, but family. I have thought about how it would be if R doesn't work out and I like to think we would come together for the kids, but you never know.

If someone asked me about my family I know I would immediately list the kids and grandkids, my sisters, ect. I would put WH somewhere in there, but it's just not the same. I used to feel like he and I were the center of our family, solid and strong. Now it's like I am the center and he is kind of roaming around, still there but not as connected to me.

Family is the most important thing to me and I believe my kids know this to be true. I hope my WH will get his act together and do the work to truly R. I have hope that we can be a solid family again. I think it's possible to completely trust WH and feel a solid connection to him. But right now, not happening.
Thank you for asking and I hope your situation improves!
Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 504 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
crossroads2010
♀ 30213
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Intersting thought...his family is very much my family...we have been together for 40 years...no one in the family, including our kids know about his A. He is my family, but our relationship as husband and wife has changed, but the only one that it has changed for is me. I am trying to accept that I have to forge a new relationship with him...the old one is gone and will not return...ithas not affected my view of other relationshipsin the family. If I am really honest with myself... because I hold these relatonships so dear is probably the main reason I am still trying.

Posts: 624 | Registered: Nov 2010
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both of my parents are dead, I am an only child, we are only superficially close with my FIL and we don't speak to MIL very much.

So my H and my children are the ONLY family I have.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2013
hopefullromantic
♀ 16652
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very early in R I decided that my H's A was very much an addiction of sorts and that I would no sooner abandon one of my children with an addiction than I would my H because he is family. That didn't mean I would not consider divorce, but he would always be family, married or not.

Perhaps one reason was because we had already been married so long, and had already raised our own family. But also, we married when we were 19, so we left our FOOs quite early and also moved far away from family for a number of years. My H was not only my closest family but my best friend. Despite the A, in which he thought he loved the OW, his ties to me were still quite strong as well. Because we were so tightly intertwined my feelings of betrayal were perhaps all the deeper, but it also made it harder for either of us to consider letting go.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1806 | Registered: Oct 2007
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my FWH is my family. He is my closest family member, with my mother coming in right next to him. His family is my family. Having said all of that, I have disowned members of my family for my own mental health. I don't think that there would be anyone IN my family that I could not say goodby to, if necessary, other than my mother. Hummm. What does that say about their order ranking?

One of the things that really got to him, when we were in-house separated, was me telling him that by his choices, he was taking away 1/2 of my family, his half, from my life. That people who I had loved for over 20 years were going to be lost to me, because of his selfish choices to lie to my. That we would separate, and divorce, and that he might take some other skank to introduce to them (skank because no worthy woman would put up with his lies and sickness) as the female who was taking my place, and they would all vomit in their mouths when they saw the alley cat that he dragged in. Yeah, I was a bit angry there.

But it hadn't even occurred to him that we each would lose family members. Can you say head up ass?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5238 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
daphne345
♀ 41623
Member # 41623
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that way too. Nice to hear someone else expressing what I have been thinking/feeling. The whole idea of family is hard to think about now. But when I do I think that my kids, my Mom, that's really it. It's like knowing divorce is a possibility, that he could cheat on me again is a real possibility, it takes the feeling of our connection being permanent away. And with that goes the feeling that he is family.

At one point early on after DDay I told him that we were supposed to be friends if nothing else. He wasn't my friend when he did all that, and for so long. We had been friends for over a decade. Or so I had thought. If he was so unhappy, the decent thing to do is talk to me about it. That's what a friend would do. Not all that crazy shit he did. I know...moment of weakness. I could buy that if he hadn't have had ten months of weakness.

I think it's totally understandable and normal to not want to classify him as family anymore. An A makes you painfully aware that marriages can end and someone who was central to your life can just fade out of it.

Sorry not trying to be so depressing. Mostly I just want to say you have every right to feel like you do and you aren't alone in feeling this way.

I think the idea of not depending on someone else for your happiness is the key. Then a place for the WS if he is truly a FWS can be figured out. It may not be something I can feel all the time but surviving all this makes me sometimes believe it is possible. I do feel stronger, more independent in a good way. I feel healthier in that respect. If R fails, it will be really hard but I will pull through it and be happy again. If nothing else, I learned so much about myself when the shit hit the fan. Absolutely amazed at how I refused to lay down and die. In fact, I poured all my rage energy into finally making my dreams happen. I started a business, got healthier, and now that the rage has calmed, I am in awe of what I am capable of. I think he is too.


BS 43
WH 35
2 kids- 4 and 7
Dday 9/4/11
Struggling with R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
Gottagetthrough
27325
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole idea of family is hard to think about now

YES!! The A turned long held truths (like what is family) upside down!!

It's like knowing divorce is a possibility

it takes the feeling of our connection being permanent away. And with that goes the feeling that he is family

YES YES YES

I don't mean to say that I don't love him... I look at him sometimes and SEE ME... like, I see that he is me... he is my other half, and that bond cant be broken.

Even if we were to get divorced, there is a connection there, I cant explain it. And I do not think it can be undone

I guess that's family

But I guess what im saying is that I don't TRUST him like I trust my mom and one of my sisters. Those are the two people, along with my children, who I'd take a bullet for. And who I would trust with any secret.. WH, I guess, I just don't trust. I think I might be confusing trust with family...


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Jan 2010
Gottagetthrough
27325
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel stronger, more independent in a good way. I feel healthier in that respect. If R fails, it will be really hard but I will pull through it and be happy again. If nothing else, I learned so much about myself when the shit hit the fan. Absolutely amazed at how I refused to lay down and die. In fact, I poured all my rage energy into finally making my dreams happen. I started a business, got healthier, and now that the rage has calmed, I am in awe of what I am capable of. I think he is too.

you are singing my song, daphne! I literally thought I would die (as in, funeral, cemetery, etc) without my WH. I had so much invested in him, he was my happiness, my life...

The A was so good for me, in that respect. I got therapy, I learned that I could live (and thrive!) without him!! If we get divorced, I will not die, and damnit, I will be happy! I survived the custody battle of the century, and lost 30 lbs, so I looked damn good too.

I think that is great for both WH and me, because I now know that if I left, I could make it without WH. WH left me for OW and then came back. It would have been easier to just stay with OW, but he took the hard road and left her (and her drugs) to be with me. We both WANT to be here. (no matter how many times I come her and bitch which is a lot)

Ahhhhh... still learning about life in my 30s. Thought I'd have this stuff figured out by now.


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 9

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