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Poofer after three great dates

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nutmegkitty posted 1/14/2014 08:46 AM

So I had met this guy on Match and we really hit it off. Had a great first date, decided then that we would go on a second date. Spur of the moment we spent NYE together too. Then had a third date where everything went 100% positive. I've replayed every instant of all the time in my head and can think of NOTHING that went even a little weird or awkward or that didn't feel ok.

And now nothing. For fucks sake, I went to his house. We talked for hours. We talked on the phone even.

I am trying really hard to be zen, to let go and let God about this, but dammit, this one hurts. I opened my self up and this is what I got. Fuck. I know I am strong and all that blah blah blah shit, but getting your self esteem knocked down HURTS. It hurts the parts of my soul that are still fragile from the shitstorm of the past few years.

Why does this happen???? What makes it ok for him to think he can just poof and that it doesn't matter??? I thought he was not that type. Well NMK I guess once again I am a shit judge of character. I think I need to jsut hibernate and lick my wounds because I am wounded.

nowiknow23 posted 1/14/2014 08:59 AM

((((nutmeg)))) I wish I had an answer for why this happens, but whatever the why may be, it's about him, not you.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

PhoenixRisen posted 1/14/2014 09:23 AM

I was dealing with that exact sitation (3 great dates then a few texts with no luck setting up a time to meet again)
Then silence
So basically I was blown off
I've been out of the dating world for 15 years so I did some reading about what is the style today.
I read that 1-3 dates requires no explanation for a poof
4-7 a text is polite
8+ should be in person

Most likely he was multi dating and you weren't. Which is why he didn't think to explain & you think about it throughout the day.
That is probably why, as women, we replay conversations looking for an error we made: DON'T DO THIS!
You made no error
The poof is all about the poofer: things you can't control & since it was early in the relationship, things you don't even know about: could be work issues, he's not interested, ex issues, financial stress, he's a player, he's not ready to date, he meet someone else, alcoholism, etc). We have no idea, but, frankly, who cares. Focus on another project to take your mind off him, whether its another man, a house remodel, a work project.

That's what I did....then he texted asking me out.
I'll go but honestly I'm a little less interested then I was a couple if weeks ago.
And he has no idea.

Dating is a like a formal dance where the dancers don't really know all the steps and aren't quite sure where their partner will move next. So we waltz around, some what awkwardly, until we realize: make up your own moves, do what feels right, just dance.

cayc posted 1/14/2014 09:44 AM

Hrmz. I was almost the poofer recently. I met a guy in November, we went on 3 dates in December and 1 in January. From his perspective they were all good dates, we had fun etc. & so forth. Overtime I realized I liked him, but not in a dating way. He hardly contacted me between dates, and that contributed to the lack of feeling it in a dating way (he was just too reserved). But I never gave him any indication that that was the way I was feeling. I was still in feel him out mode.

So he texted once after the last date and I thought, I need to reply to this guy, but I didn't. And then 3 days later he actually called. That's when I thought, I really need to say something. But still I didn't. And then he texted me essentially, "I get it, no hard feelings".

I honestly didn't mean to let such time go by to say anything to him, that wasn't my intention, I just hestitated because I didn't know how to say what I meant and I felt badly about not being interested. His "no hard feelings" gave me room to correct my error though. So I did send him a text apologzing for being unresponsive and flaky, explained where I was (I like you, I don't like dating) and ... no response from him. But I wouldn't expect it (that reservation thing rearing it's head again).

I'm not absolving this dude that let you down. But since we rarely talk about ourselves being poofers here, I thought I give an example of how it can sneak up on you even when you have every intention of not doing it. As a general rule, you know you need to say something, you hesitate and then the awkwardness of time passing makes it seem more wrong to say something as opposed to continuing to say nothing, if that makes sense.

Maybe contact this guy and just say, "hey, sorry it didn't work out, no hard feelings" and see. You might get an answer or at least an apology. And if you don't? Well then he *is* a dick.

cmego posted 1/14/2014 10:01 AM

Yeah, I have found that 3 date rule is some kind of magic number. It has given you time to assess each other, and generally most people are multi-dating.

I've kinda poofed after a 3rd date too. Although he knew I was really hesitant since he was a fWS. At date 3 he tried to kiss me and I internally freaked out. Probably externally a little too. It is me, after all.

He texted me for a few days and I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say, as I was figuring out my own emotions…plus, I didn't want to hurt him. I finally responded and just told him the truth…I was uncomfortable around him and that wasn't fair to him or to me. I thanked him and wished him well.

I know we are discussing in another thread about holding yourself back, and this is the reason a lot of of fall into that pattern. There is no point in "getting your hopes up" until you are exclusive…or that is how I deal with the first few dates.

ladies_first posted 1/14/2014 10:53 AM

Poofer after three great dates

Why does this happen????

I hate the "Sex on the 3rd Date" Expectation, but it does weed out those who place a greater value on sex than relationship-building.

Sorry you're hurting.

She11ybeanz posted 1/14/2014 12:00 PM

Yeah this blows. I'm sorry sweetie! ((HUGZ)) I remember having two super awesome FIRST dates and feeling super bummed for both of them poofing on me....but am thankful they didn't wait until after date THREE. BOO!!!! FTG...You deserve better and someone who is more respectful of your feelings and thoughtful. I'm sorry it hurts. I totally get it!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

better4me posted 1/14/2014 12:25 PM

(((NMK)))Been there, had it happen to me, hated it.

In "today's world", this makes sense to me:

I read that 1-3 dates requires no explanation for a poof
4-7 a text is polite
8+ should be in person

And it has been my experience too. Doesn't mean I like it. I'd rather "know" than have to make up the reason for someone not wanting/asking for another date.

AND, I have found that men have a different "time table" than I have about asking for another date. I have texted a "How are you doing?" text days or weeks after a good date, where we parted with seemingly mutual attraction, where I thought everything was good but heard nothing. I've gotten second and third dates that way, have stayed friends with a couple of the guys etc...People are busy, men don't "think" the way I do about what "should happen next".

And because I study human behavior and am kind of ballsy, there has been 3 times when I have had several dates and then haven't heard anything--when I know that I've been "broken up with" that I've called and asked what happened. Each one of those three guys has replied with a "it isn't you, it's me" kind of answer. So that is now what I choose to believe even when I don't hear a peep. It's about them!

It's made me a little jaded...wiser, maybe...stronger, for sure. I'm still optimistic that I will find the right guy for me...it is just taking (a lot) longer than I thought it would.

(And it makes the continued attention from a good guy that much sweeter)

[This message edited by better4me at 12:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

nutmegkitty posted 1/14/2014 12:37 PM

Thanks all. You have made me feel a little better. I won't lie, this one, I really, really thought had potential and that's why it's eating me so much.

Cayc and cmego, thanks, also, for your perspective. It helped.

PhoenixRisen, where are you reading about this dating stuff? I would LOVE to read this too, since I too have been out of dating land for a loooong time and what the hell do I know about dating, lol. I swear I am making everything up as I go along.


Better4me, I think you are right about the time table. I am ready to commit to a next date before the current one ends, probably not what is on his mind. lol.


It's not me, it's him. It's not me, it's him. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Blurg.

She11ybeanz posted 1/14/2014 12:59 PM

It's not me, it's him. It's not me, it's him. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Blurg.

((BIGHUGZ)) Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

You are a beautiful, capable, strong, and amazing woman and God has a bigger and better plan out there for you!

PhoenixRisen posted 1/14/2014 21:42 PM

nutmeg - I read this on some random dating advice site (just did a Google search on what ever topic I needed guidance on, like "why he poofs"). Many sites are advice from the OLD sites. I take what makes sense and disregard the rest.

ruinedandbroken posted 1/15/2014 21:26 PM

((nutmeg))

Why do people have to be such jerks?

SeanFLA posted 1/16/2014 03:20 AM

I think that happens to the best of us. Happened to me too.

Gr8Lady posted 1/16/2014 23:04 PM

Three seemingly great dates then the poof seems to be common.
Personally, can't wrap my head around this concept...one two dates and you don't have vibes there? Just cray cray to me!

Nature_Girl posted 1/17/2014 00:42 AM

Back in the days before I was married I had a very full dating life. It used to really disappoint me when even the nicest guys who I really hit it off with would poof after the third date. It's the sex thing. No sex on the third date did the trick. It's hard to believe that anyone could be so utterly shallow, that even the guys I thought were really great could be so shallow, but there it was. Third date + no sex = poof.

9.10.11 posted 1/17/2014 07:15 AM

I've had to "poof" after 3-4 dates. I guess I really didn't just "poof", but explained why it wouldn't work.
We had a great time, talked, laughed, everything was great. But, I could see that I wasn't the one. Her kids' age, my kids' age, goals/future, and once it was just not there for me...not what I needed.

Instead of dragging it out and trying, I had to break it off so no one got hurt. I don't think I was a jerk, but maybe so. Better to end early before strong feelings begin, imho.

It's happened to me and was glad it didn't go farther.

Just my $.02....you owe me $1.89.

nutmegkitty posted 1/17/2014 08:00 AM

See, 9.10.11, if I HAD received any sort of explanation it would make it easier to understand. I got bupkis.

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