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velveteer posted 1/14/2014 08:50 AM

I posted last week about how my SO told me that her needs we're not being met and how she is concerned about our future. We agreed to take time out and haven't spoken all week. We spoke today and she said the she needs to arrange a time to see me. Friday after work - suggested that we drive somewhere and not meet at hers, mine or in a public place.
Is this curtains? Sounds like it to me.

Meanwhile I have been having an awful time both over this and the sudden death of my dad just before Xmas. Struggling at work and trying to keep my shit together for the kids. Feel a mess.

nowiknow23 posted 1/14/2014 08:56 AM

Sending you strength and comfort, hon. I lost my mom in November, so I can relate to what you are going through with the loss of your father.

Just remember that whatever comes of this conversation and relationship, YOU will be ok. The layers of loss are rough, to be sure. But you can process and handle whatever comes. You are strong and resilient. And you will be ok. ((((velveteer))))

BrokenDaisy posted 1/14/2014 10:27 AM


wildbananas posted 1/14/2014 10:43 AM


Exit Wounds posted 1/14/2014 10:50 AM

(((velveteer))) I lost my dad not too long ago. I am sorry for what you are going through...

velveteer posted 1/15/2014 03:41 AM

thanks all and NIK - thank you. I needed this today


Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 05:51 AM

So sorry. (((velveteer)))

I'd focus on your grief - do some living in the moment. Try not to speculate what she's doing now.

risingfromashes posted 1/15/2014 06:55 AM

her needs we're not being met and how she is concerned about our future

This should not be a consideration when you are dealing with

the sudden death of my dad just before Xmas

Are your needs being met?

velveteer posted 1/15/2014 08:15 AM

Are your needs being met?

Good question. Thing is, I am not that sure what my needs are.

Yes I wish I didn't have this to deal with at this time, but I do and that's that.

I understand her concerns, I am not ready to take the next step (living together) and some of those reasons are to do with me (infidelity related damage, insufficient healing) and some are to do with us (uncertainty about us being on the same page on major issues to do with kids, lifestyle and living arrangements). Then there is the whole related issue of the pressure on my time.

More I think about this the more I think there are only three options:

1. status quo - she is not happy with that and to be honest its getting less and less sustainable
2. step the relationship up a level - I am not feeling ready to do this, and wonder if our unresolved issues are maybe unresolvable
3. call it a day

Right now, my money's on 3.

InnerLight posted 1/15/2014 15:35 PM

What a bummer you have to wait all week for the proverbial axe to fall. I wish you knew sooner so you didn't have to lose a week to wondering!


[This message edited by InnerLight at 3:36 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 1/15/2014 15:57 PM


Jrazz posted 1/15/2014 16:48 PM


Brandon808 posted 1/16/2014 00:36 AM

bro hugs (((velveteer

gonnabe2016 posted 1/16/2014 02:19 AM

V, it seems that she should be being a bit more solicitous of you right now.
Your dad died less than a month ago.....and your SO thinks that this is the *right* time to dump her unmet needs and concern for your future on you?

And do your realize that her suggestion just limited you guys to having a conversation in one of your cars? Can't be your place, her place, or a public place. That pretty much puts the kibosh on 99.9% of the *meeting* places.

If I were you....I'd tell her that you are still dealing with the death of your father and you'll contact her when you are in a *better* place.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:20 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

velveteer posted 1/16/2014 02:29 AM

You know what - I know this is a bad time and there's a part of me that is quite angry that she feels her needs are so important that they trump my grief. But that is what's happening and maybe it's time for this to end.

SeanFLA posted 1/16/2014 03:18 AM

If someone did that to me when my father had just passed away...bye-bye. I remember when my father passed away five years ago he was the first close person I ever watched die, and I had a hard time with it. It took me a long time getting through it. I felt empty about life for a long while and didn't know what to do. ExWW wasn't a big help either. Sent me on a plane all by myself to handle it with my grief stricken mother. Deep inside I will never forgive her for that. She didn't even want to fly up for the funeral until finally she offered. I was like WTF? My parents did so much for her. Looking back now I see the huge red flag at what kind of emotionaless person she changed into and why she could cheat so easily without any remorse.

Sounds like YOUR needs are the ones not being met right now.

cmego posted 1/16/2014 06:51 AM

I think this entire "issue" sounds like she likes to control the situation. Telling you when and where to meet, saying her needs aren't being met, etc.

I lost my Dad almost 7 years ago, and my ex was less than supportive too. It was crazy how little he supported me. I remember wanting to say with my Mom for 2 weeks so I could help her do the paperwork and work on the house…and do you know what my ex said to me? "Well, WHO will take care of the children?"

BIG RED WAVING FLAG. I will never forget it.

I'm with the others, no where are YOUR needs being met right now either. You both have needs and you need to decide what you want too.

velveteer posted 1/16/2014 07:52 AM

cmego you are right about the control. She is in charge of this - no doubt. She told me she wasn't happy, then suggested some time out for us, then she called me and said, and I quote, "I need to arrange a time to see you".

She then said she didn't think we should meet at hers or mine or in a bar or restaurant. Instead we should drive somewhere and go for a walk or find somewhere to sit outside. (e.g a park)

This is being managed and controlled.

I should say that she was fantastically supportive in the immediate aftermath of my dad's death - both for me and my family. It was when I said that I needed a bit of time to myself just after new year (I had until this point had NO TIME to myself since my dad died) she wasn't happy - this was meant to be our time. She then said that she was concerned about our future because she feels that she has to constantly fit in around my commitments (kids and work) and that time for us will be squeezed further with me having to support my mother more (who has parkinsons disease btw). She also said that she has been very supportive of me and my family (which is true) but wasn't getting the 'good stuff' too and feels like she is always low on my list of priorities. She wants to be number one to somebody and loved like she deserves to be.

I get a lot of this and I know that I have been reluctant to move towards a deeper level of interdependence and commitment. I also know that my commitments can't make things easy for her, but you know they are what they are. I am not about to give up hard won time with my kids and cannot quit working or move to a lower paid but less demanding job.

I do love her, and I think this is about the damage to me from my experience with WXW. It is also about me having real doubts that she is really on board for the kind of life that I can offer - which is one with kids as a major component and all the compromises and constraints that that involves.

I am indeed thinking about what I want now and about what is best for me. I am not sure I am able to consider anything else right now.

I hate this.

amitheow posted 1/16/2014 09:30 AM

It sounds like she saw the writing on the wall when you asked for time, so it's an issue of dump him before he dumps me.

PhoenixRisen posted 1/16/2014 09:43 AM

Okay stop right now.
Take control.
Cancel that meeting. You do not have the time to talk to her right now

If I were you....I'd tell her that you are still dealing with the death of your father and you'll contact her when you are in a *better* place.

Years ago I was about to break up with LT SO when he moved to a new town. I delayed the break up to give him a chance to settle in his new place because moving is stressful. Your father died! That is considerably more stressful. You need to focus on YOU and your kids. SO is targeting you at a vulnerable time (sounds kinda manipulative to me) and forcing you to focus on her (sounds kinda selfish to me) and giving you directives when and where to met (sounds kinda controlling to me)
Just stop it
Put the breaks on
Deal with one issue at a time

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