Ok, so I broke NC but I am determined to start over again today. I've been thinking about all the responses I received and have come to a couple of conclusions.
First off, I really don't like being alone AT ALL. My H has always told me I needed to get a hobby, something that I would enjoy doing on my own. This has been an issue since we first were married. He enjoys hunting and fishing and when he would come home from doing these things, I was always cranky and clingy and whiny about how he didn't spend enough time with me. I'm not sure why I don't feel comfortable with my own company and it's something I'm going to talk about in IC. BTW, I still don't have any hobbies other than reading and I think it's just another form of escape for me, just like the A was.
The other thing is I really want to make xAP miserable. I want to screw with his head like I feel he did to me. I called him several times when I broke NC, calling as "unavailable" so he wouldn't be able to figure out it was me and then I just wouldn't say anything. When he would hang up, I would call again a few minutes later and each time he answered, I could tell that he was getting mad. And I really enjoyed that. But I know that I am just keeping myself from becoming a healthy and healed if I continue. And I'm determined that I'm not going to do this again. He is a non-issue. I am the issue.
Finally, I have decided to post here more often. I don't like telling my H when I am struggling although he is always supportive and it's completely backwards. I should be supporting him and he says I do but it seems to me to be the other way around. I am having a really hard time with communication with H. I'm always afraid that I'm going to say something that will make him reject me. Even though that hasn't happened yet.
I really need more support and even though I read on SI every day, I am going to turn to y'all for what I need....help, support, 2x4's. And I really hate asking for help...just another thing I need to work on.