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Newest Member: LoveNougat (46019)

User Topic: Starting over
bookjunkie
♀ 39033
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I broke NC but I am determined to start over again today. I've been thinking about all the responses I received and have come to a couple of conclusions.

First off, I really don't like being alone AT ALL. My H has always told me I needed to get a hobby, something that I would enjoy doing on my own. This has been an issue since we first were married. He enjoys hunting and fishing and when he would come home from doing these things, I was always cranky and clingy and whiny about how he didn't spend enough time with me. I'm not sure why I don't feel comfortable with my own company and it's something I'm going to talk about in IC. BTW, I still don't have any hobbies other than reading and I think it's just another form of escape for me, just like the A was.

The other thing is I really want to make xAP miserable. I want to screw with his head like I feel he did to me. I called him several times when I broke NC, calling as "unavailable" so he wouldn't be able to figure out it was me and then I just wouldn't say anything. When he would hang up, I would call again a few minutes later and each time he answered, I could tell that he was getting mad. And I really enjoyed that. But I know that I am just keeping myself from becoming a healthy and healed if I continue. And I'm determined that I'm not going to do this again. He is a non-issue. I am the issue.

Finally, I have decided to post here more often. I don't like telling my H when I am struggling although he is always supportive and it's completely backwards. I should be supporting him and he says I do but it seems to me to be the other way around. I am having a really hard time with communication with H. I'm always afraid that I'm going to say something that will make him reject me. Even though that hasn't happened yet.

I really need more support and even though I read on SI every day, I am going to turn to y'all for what I need....help, support, 2x4's. And I really hate asking for help...just another thing I need to work on.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 75 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 14th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bookjunkie...

It takes a lot of courage to ask for help, so you're headed in the right direction

The other thing is I really want to make xAP miserable. I want to screw with his head like I feel he did to me

You're keeping the affair alive by giving him space in your head. Push those thoughts out and replace them with more productive thoughts. By focusing on your marriage and your healing, each day will get easier with making the XMM a non-entity.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 199161 | Registered: May 2002
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, I really don't like being alone AT ALL.

This is an important thing to admit! Put your energy here, into exploring this more, and figuring out how to address it in a way that's healthy for you. This is very important.

BTW, I still don't have any hobbies other than reading and I think it's just another form of escape for me, just like the A was.

Do you have free time, or do you feel that there are always responsibilities to be handling? What were you escaping from? What specifically about being alone scares you? Sometimes naming the specific things helps.

The other thing is I really want to make xAP miserable. I want to screw with his head like I feel he did to me.

How can you make it so that the thought of the AP makes you physically feel sick? Sometimes that nauseated feeling can be a great deterrent from wanting to break NC. The faster you feel sick thinking about him, the easier it will be to maintain both physical and mental NC. So, what about him or the A or the way you were with him makes you feel sick to your stomach, and can you remind yourself of it every time you want to break NC? Can you imagine that your husband is standing right there watching you - does the thought of him having to witness it and hurting him make you feel sick?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3934 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 3

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