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cbrum84 posted 1/14/2014 10:03 AM

My husband admitted to sending a receiving text from another women. He said it went on for a few weeks but he ended it. He said there was no physical contact. We have been married for 10 years and have 2 children. I cant get it out of my head. Is it wrong for me to want to contact the other women? I dont want to hurt her or cuss at her. I just want her to know that I know. And I want to know from her what happened.
Please help me

UpInTheAirNow posted 1/14/2014 11:11 AM

Sorry your here. But glad you found us.
Sounds like you will need to go into detective mode.
It may turn out to be more than just texting. I hope not but somehow try to verify it was just texting. An emotional affair hurts just as bad.
Maybe put some spyware on his phone and a key logger on the home computer. Keep posting and read everything in the healing library in the top right corner.
Not sure if its a good idea to contact her at this time. But maybe try to notify her spouse and let him know about the weeks of texting. She will prob lie to you if you did contact her.
She prob knows you know.

cbrum84 posted 1/14/2014 11:22 AM

She is single and the bad part is they work together so for me it will never end. The one thing we had when things were tough was trust. I always trusted him. I respect him for telling me the truth because honestly I would not have found out otherwise. I just really dont know how to get through this. He wants to just move on from it, still be together, but I dont know how to get the thoughts out of my head. Just really sad

UpInTheAirNow posted 1/14/2014 11:33 AM

If they work together then one of them needs to quit or relocate. . Or you will suffer every day be goes to work like I did. Every day was nothing but anxiety for me. I believe she continued with the PA which ment we could never reconcile. After we separated she told me she wishes she quit her teaching job right there and then after D day.

cbrum84 posted 1/14/2014 11:54 AM

I know in my heart that one of them needs to leave the job. But a part of me says that isnt fair. Its a good job with benefits for our family. And if what he says is true...that is was only for attention and he know that what he did was wrong...then why cant he still work there? I want him to be able to resist the temptation. I love this man and I dont want to leave, but how do you get through it when there are so many unanswered questions?

UpInTheAirNow posted 1/14/2014 12:27 PM

Are you reading the healing library? Lots of helpful info. Is your husband Aware that he had at least an emotional affair. Maybe have him read some of the wayward info in the healing library.
Or print it out for him. Especially the one about how you feel after the fact.
This is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. You are new at this and will be on an emotional rollercoster.
They say it takes 2-5 years to get over infidelity. It's been almost 2 yrs and I feel much much better. But I'm not healed. It will take some time before it gets better.
Recommend you get yourself IC. It really helped me. I still go regularly.
I get what your saying about the job and insurance. It's a tough call. Hope someone wiser than I chimes in.
Just know this, you are not alone. And we will help you on your journey.

cbrum84 posted 1/14/2014 14:03 PM

He doesnt understand. He thinks all it was was flirting. He wants to make this work between us but wants to forget about this happened. I cant!

ProbableIceCream posted 1/14/2014 14:10 PM

This is very new for you, so please don't feel like you have to solve it right now. Just focus on taking care of yourself, meaning water, food, some exercise, spending time with friends, even if you don't feel like you're enjoying it. It'll help.

I bumped the Tactical Primer, which when you feel up to reading it, has some good advice for what you can do when you've recently found out.

focusupward posted 1/14/2014 14:20 PM

cbrum84, sorry you are in the place you are right now. For what it is worth, I'll give you a bit of my story. My WW was very chummy with the boys at work and they would text back and forth nonwork related texts. Nothing that really through up a red flag to me (then mind you). Well low and behold I catch her in an EA with one of them back in 2010. I pretty much rugswept it, stuffed my feelings and moved on. Told her business is business and that I didn't want to see anymore texting with the boys at work. Well about a year and half later it all starts again and innocently enough. I stick my head in the sand and roll along. In May of 2013 she comes clean that she's having an EA/PA with a different one now. Please, please do yourself a favor, have him set some serious boundaries, let him explain to you what he is going to do and see if you are in agreement. Does no good for you to set them for him. He has to be all in. I am currently trying R one more time with my WW. I told her if there was any hope she would end all contact with any member of the opposite sex, change jobs or relocate (which she did) and grant me total access (which I have). Don't want to have to live a life of constantly checking up on my wife though. Still very much in limbo as it's only been 8 months since dday 2. Wish you the best and hope you don't end up where I currently am.

cbrum84 posted 1/14/2014 14:36 PM

I have told him that I can not and will not set boundaries for him. I am not his mother. He says it is done and it will never happen again. But I do not want to be the fool. I am a straight forward honest person. I dont want to sneak aroung and look at his phone. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I know it takes time and this is only day 2, but the pain is almost unbearable.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/14/2014 15:18 PM

crbum, you said your husband admitted to this texting 'friendship' with the OW, and had he not admitted it to you, you would have never known.

Are you saying that out of the blue he just came to you and admitted it to you?

As crappy as it may be, please bear in mind that some confessions aren't nearly as altruistic as we'd like to believe. Sometimes, we're only getting these confessions because someone told our BS that if HE didn't tell you, they would. Maybe his boss? Maybe a coworker? Maybe the OW's husband/boyfriend/significant other recently caught them and gave your husband 3 days to tell you or he would? Maybe they were seen together and he was afraid it would get out and you'd hear about it before he could do damage control?

I'm sorry, but something just seems really off with this whole story.

Guard your heart cbrum. Unfortunately, pretty much no one gets the whole story on D-Day.

cbrum84 posted 1/14/2014 15:37 PM

I know what you mean. Yes, he just came out and said it. There was discussions of women hitting on him at work, but he never gave details or said it was just one. My head tells me that there is more to it, but my heart says he is telling me the truth. I just dont know what to believe. We have always had a very trusting relationship. We worked together in the same business until last year when he took another job for the benefits. He always told me everything even if it was nothing. "I went to hooters today and ate lunch..." That kind of stuff. From the beginning of his job he told me the women were hitting on him. I am...or was...confortable with our relationship and trusted him. I dont know! I feel he is being honest, but I guess I will never know

Jewlz posted 1/16/2014 13:07 PM

cbrum, I don't want to be a naive person either or be unappreciative of others' comments and advice on here but just want to say that I think there is a big possibility he is telling the truth. You may just have actually caught it before it went physical. Just keep your eyes open! I hope that it was just sexting! Good luck to you!

cbrum84 posted 1/16/2014 13:32 PM

Thank you, but sadly I am coming to realize that everyone might have been right.

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