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Okay to talk about physical relations or just too early?

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Prayingforhope posted 1/14/2014 10:16 AM

Itís been over three months since my BS and I had any physical relations (I donít remember when the last time was before dday). Weíre separated, she wonít talk to me, wonít look at me and certainly wonít touch me Ė which somehow is already the answer to my question, right? Well, Iím not sure which is why Iím asking for input here.

We have our last MC session later this week and we wonít be back together until mid to late Feb, so IF Iím going to broach the subject, now is the time.

To be clear, Iím not asking for sex, Iím certainly never going to demand sex and I hope nothing in my discussion will put pressure on my BS. But we never discussed this topic as part of the separation agreement so itís open-ended in my POV.

My goal in MC would be to let my BS know that I desire her (does she know this? Does it help or hurt to tell her?) and simply ask if we have any plan for our ďneedsĒ in this area.

Iím guessing she just tells me to ďpiss offĒ for even asking the question, but donít I at least get to ask the question? Or does this just hurt my BS more? Maybe I should just not say anything. I know how touchy this topic is for BS and the potential is high to make the situation worse.

I would really appreciate some input here.

Kelany posted 1/14/2014 11:09 AM

Dude...based on her reaction this weekend, do...not...bring...this...up...

It is very selfish at this point to be thinking of your sexual needs. You're separated! You can even talk to her or hug her. If you mention sex you will get a horrific reaction, I'm positive.

My reaction would be "why are you even thinking about sex, when that is what destroyed us, sex with your AP!".

Won't end well. You say you respect her boundaries, then don't bring this up. You're no where near that point.

Prayingforhope posted 1/14/2014 11:10 AM

Thanks...sometimes I need to hear the obvious! It's tough, confusing and lonely out here in separated land...

Kelany posted 1/14/2014 11:12 AM

I'm sure it is, but remember, gently, you caused this by thinking selfishly in the first place. If you want to show her you're trying to change, sex is off the table until she is comfortable.

stunnedin12 posted 1/14/2014 11:15 AM

My goal in MC would be to let my BS know that I desire her (does she know this? Does it help or hurt to tell her?) and simply ask if we have any plan for our ďneedsĒ in this area.

As a betrayed spouse, I must tell you I did not care one bit if wh desired me --- not one bit.

As a betrayed spouse, it would have meant the world to me to hear or see that wh wanted ME --- ALL OF ME .... not just sex.

wh spent time ... lots and lots of time dating me and I let him know dating meant no sex. None.
1. Because in my world I didn't have sex with men I dated and
2. Because there is no way in h*ll I would have had sex with someone who willfully threw me under the bus.

Prayingforhope posted 1/14/2014 11:18 AM

Thank God you guys are out there and ready to share what's inside. I don't SEE or HEAR any of this from my BS, so this is critical feedback. Thank YOU.

And yes, she controls the pace, she controls the next steps, she controls everything. Even as I wrote that post I could feel the ME ME ME popping up...must be a crap day as usually I am better than that.

Sammy2013 posted 1/14/2014 11:29 AM

Yeah, I'm pretty sure, based on the fact that you are separated and she won't even look at you, that would get you a "is he insane?" look from both your WS and MC (I will admit, I had that look on my face when I read this).

As for wanting her to know you desire her, that's not a good idea now. I still have a hard time hearing this from my WH and we are having sex. I have to jump through a lot of hoops emotionally to have sex. And sometimes, when he says he desires me so much I immediately think "Yeah, now you do, where was this though 3 months ago when you were having sex with another woman?"

But we never discussed this topic as part of the separation agreement so itís open-ended in my POV.

It's not open ended if she won't even look at you. Gently, it feels a little like "You hate me right now, so does that mean no sex?"

Yeah, just table this thought for later on down the line.

Good luck.

Prayingforhope posted 1/14/2014 11:40 AM

Gently, it feels a little like "You hate me right now, so does that mean no sex?"

I can almost hear the caveman voice that needs to accompany such a stupid phrase - that I WAS basically thinking that to myself.

Okay, I'm officially going to chalk this up as my dumbass WS move of the month. The upside is as bad as this 'trial run' was, at least I didn't just flush the entire MC sessions down the tubes.

And outside of my selfish, needy, physical thoughts, please know that I am doing EVERYTHING to invest in my BS.

Just so you know my second biggest ask from MC is if I could attend her upcoming theatre performance. I've never missed one before and am either cheering her on or recording her from the front row. But she's veto'd me from attending for obvious reasons so I'll let her give me the "are you insane?" look for that question and not the sex one.

scared&stronger posted 1/14/2014 13:02 PM

You desire her......if I were in her shoes (and I have been) to hear you say this would not only enrage me but disgust me at the same time. My thought process would have been if you desired me so much how could you substitute me with someone else. Like the others said...leave it alone.

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