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Anger Bursts

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HealingSought posted 1/14/2014 11:03 AM

Hello everyone, im about a month from DDay and WB and I are attempting to R. When we are together things seem wonderful...but when we are a part, and I have down time to think, I just get angry.

If im not occupied, busy working, or doing something else, I find myself replaying the affair in my head.

What are some things you do/did to get through these moments? I get upset to the point where I will call him and just tell him to disappear and get out my life when in reality that's not what i want.

steadfast1973 posted 1/14/2014 11:32 AM

Me, too. I am getting an early start on spring cleaning. Thinking of reorganizing the kitchen. We are getting a dishwasher this month, so I do need to get in there and figure out what to do with the stuff in the cabinet we lose... I am hoping to salvage it...

steadfast1973 posted 1/14/2014 11:34 AM

Also, find a show on netflix and marathon the whole series. i need season three of downton abbey, and a cup of Monkey Picked Oolong Tea, and I'll be set!

LosferWords posted 1/14/2014 11:36 AM

First, understand that the anger is a completely normal and valid feeling. At less than a month out from d-day, I would be genuinely concerned for you if you didn't have any strong feelings of anger.

One thing that can help is writing down all that you are feeling in the moment, take a break, and go back and re-read what you wrote. This is something that I would do early on. I'd pop open notepad or an empty Word document, and just have at it. I'd come back to it later, and decide what, if any, part of it I would share with my wife. Sometimes coming back to these documents that I created would help me more concisely summarize exactly what I was processing and angry about after I had a chance to calm down.

Another thing that helped immensely was physical activity. Any time of exercise you can do... running, kickboxing, martial arts, bicycling, using a punching bag, or even doing some reorganizing, like steadfast is doing. Anything safe, where you can preoccupy the mind get out a lot of energy. That can really help with the anger and the anxiety.

Hope this helps, and that you get other suggestions as well. Best of luck to you.

sisoon posted 1/14/2014 12:35 PM

IMO, you heal by processing the feelings of anger, grief, and fear that almost universally accompany being betrayed. Ignoring/stuffing the feelings just keeps the pain around.

Losfer's suggestion to write stuff down worked for me for anger, with the exception that I wrote my reasons for being angry by hand. It's one thing to ruin a cheap pen and tear through paper when you unknowingly bear down too hard with the pen. It's quite another to crush a keyboard by typing.

HealingSought posted 1/15/2014 06:28 AM

Thanks for your help everyone. Ive been journaling and it does help to calm me down.

[This message edited by HealingSought at 6:29 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

hpv50 posted 1/15/2014 07:19 AM

I think it's fine to let him know you're rip-roaring mad in real time. I tried to hide it at first, and it's just not healthy. Letting him know also helps me feel less codependent (yeah, I was that for awhile) and more in control.

To help pull myself down a notch off the ledge, I too exercise. I had been carrying an extra 10 of semi-permanent baby weight on d-day. I started swimming again, and slowly but surely made it a habit. I'm now in the best shape I've been in ten years. I figured if the marriage didn't survive, I'd be ready for the secondary market. Plus it doesn't hurt them to see how great you look and an increased self confidence.

I also find mentally thinking: a-hole, a-hole, rhythm to my swimming helps tremendously. :)

dmg35 posted 1/15/2014 08:49 AM

Anger is a large part of this process. My WW and I are just under 3 months post DD and I still get very very angry at times. Alone time is the worst for me still, my mind continues to play mind movies way worse than actually happened.

I too find it helpful to right out my angry period in a journal. It takes a lot of the unclear angry thoughts and let's me organize them into a constructive conversation instead of a destructive conversation.....

So sorry your in this situation but here you are safe and can voice all of your thoughts... stay strong and take care of YOU...

[This message edited by dmg35 at 8:50 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

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