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Be careful who you pick next

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veelop5 posted 1/14/2014 12:15 PM

I don't post on here much but when I do I usually feel a little bit better after you wonderful people respond....So I had a 5 month relationship (with the wrong guy)...His wife had left him for another man and took the kids to another state....when I met him she had already been gone 5 months with "no return"....from the very beginning I tried to just be friends because I knew he wasn't divorced and I knew that he was super hurt over her taking the forward to last month when after telling me that he is in love with me he goes and brings her and the kids home on xmas eve. I knew that this could happen and yet I continued a relationship with this the 5 months was great....he treated me good, respected me and we were openly involved in this town....very small town....he passes my apartment every morning to go to work (has always used this route)...well I have only seen him since this all happened in passing well today I saw him and her going into a place where him and I always ate lunch...and he knows I pass this place everyday....i have been doing pretty good but when I saw them today I went home and really hit me hard. I am not a dumb woman..this is his wife....I just had to write this out because it hurts and I want anyone that is reading this to please becareful who you pick for a partner after you go through this shit is true that it hurts...I am keeping the faith that I will find someone (in the far future) that will be right for me but for now I have to keep preparing myself to see them together (and yes she knows we were together) he coached my children for 5 years in baseball many years ago. so I am not really asking anything just wanted to write my feelings down...thanks for reading.

sheila0304 posted 1/14/2014 12:28 PM


Be good to yourself.

better4me posted 1/14/2014 12:38 PM


Williesmom posted 1/14/2014 19:29 PM


I'm sorry.

PhoenixRisen posted 1/14/2014 21:36 PM

seems like a lot of pain... for you, for him... for her...

veelop5 posted 1/15/2014 06:07 AM

She is not a nice person....she left for another man...she only decided she wanted him back when he told her about me... He wanted his kids home and he felt he owes her because he was deployed for four years and she took care of the kids and household( understandable) she would take all his money out of the joint account and leave him broke..... No one likes her here she is mean! But still his wife and his choice....I know I will be ok.....I'm glad he has his kids back and I should be grateful I Dont have to deal with the drama!

cmego posted 1/15/2014 07:28 AM

I'm sorry, veelop5.

It is also a good lesson learned…your gut told you that he probably wasn't good dating material, but you ignored your gut. Sometimes it just takes us time to learn to listen to our instincts. But, I know, it still hurts because you hoped it would end differently.

homewrecked2011 posted 1/15/2014 07:35 AM


IrishGirlVA posted 1/15/2014 08:13 AM

I don't post here much, as you can tell, but I wanted to tell you that your situation really hit home for me. My exWBF was in a situation where his (ex?)GF left for another country with their daughter. He was distraut. When we met he said their relationship had been over for a while before she left. I should have known better but I really fell for him. He went to visit his daughter in another country but the visit turned into an intimate family vacation. *sigh* I ended the relationship even though he is back home and she is still there. She'll eventually come back to his home when immigration status improves. But I have to pass his place of work EVERY SINGLE DAY to get to where I work. It's heartbreaking.

But we just need to learn from our experiences and choose better in the future. We always hope our situation will be the exception to the rule. However, since we weren't, we just need to forgive ourselves, heal and look forward to the future. We were happy before them and we will again be happy after them!

This woman may very well break his heart again and he may look back with fond memories of you and long to have that relationship back. I just hope you will be in a stronger place emotionally and know that you deserve more than just being a soft place to land.

*hugs to you*

StillLivin posted 1/15/2014 10:24 AM

I had a similar situation. I was single, he was married but LS.
I insisted that I wouldn't even give him my number until the D was final.
When he got his papers, he came by my office and showed me and then got my number. We dated for about 2 months.
We had a date for the movies. He stood me up. It was with a bunch of friends, so I didn't make a big deal of it. I left him a couple of messages. He called me back the next morning, made his apologies. He had never done this before, so all was forgiven. But then he told me before he hung up that I was smothering him. Considering I never called him, he always called me, I never reached out in any way, he was the one always chasing me, I was completely stunned.
So, I didn't bother with him.
I found out he remarried his ex wife 2 days after that event.
I wasn't that involved, but I thought we were friends so that part stung. Friends don't lie or mislead each other.
Lesson learned: Don't date recently D men or LS men.

veelop5 posted 1/15/2014 10:48 AM

Lesson learned!!!! I will be super careful from now on....NO SEPARTED MEN...NO RECENTLY D...NO DRAMA RELATED...I am done for a while now anyway....Once I can see him and her and not feel like I got punched in the gut I know I will be ready. Im sorry to those who have gone through this and I thank you to the ones that sent me hugs!!!!

StillLivin posted 1/15/2014 11:02 AM

Honey, some of these life lessons really suck.
It will be a spell before you can see him and just not care, but it will definitely happen. Focus on you. It's cliché at this point, but so utterly true.
Do all the things you love to do. And take really good care of yourself.
And know that he isn't really happy, because she is never going to change. She came back for all of the wrong reasons.
If he took her back for all the wrong reasons, he is going to be miserable later on. Do not let him make you his back up plan when that happens.

veelop5 posted 1/15/2014 12:26 PM

I know right now that I am not probably strong enough to turn him away if he tried to come back that is why I am doing me and making sure to stay away from him...I have no urge to contact him which I am glad of....I tell myself that if he contacts me that I will not answer or if he comes to see me that I will just slam the door...I really hope I can stick to it....but than again maybe he never will and that would be fine also...I am taking care of myself and doing things that I love to do....

LearningToRun posted 1/15/2014 14:15 PM

I'm really Sorry, and it does reinforce all that we hear about the Separated Man. We always hope we are the exception to the rule, and it sucks to find out that we aren't.
He used you as a soft place to land and you deserve so much better than to be someone's airbag.
Take a real good look at your picker, my dear.

Yes, i had a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. Yes, i thought i was the exception. No, I wasn't I took it as a lesson learned and adjusted what i was looking for. And when i found it, and i did, how refreshing it was.

You are strong enough. Pick yourself up and go forth and choose wisely!!

damncutekitty posted 1/16/2014 23:02 PM

This is part of why I tell newbies on here not to rush into dating when separated. Because people can get hurt. Not just the newbie, but the people they date.

It it so unfair and selfish of him to have basically used you for 5 months to make himself feel better and then drop you like that.

veelop5 posted 1/17/2014 07:28 AM

I know that from the very beginning I believed that I could help him through his hurt...I don't think he intentionally planned on hurting me..(doesn't make it better). I should of stepped away from the beginning but the familiarity of knowing eachother made it hard. I am happy that he has his kids back and I know that is the only reason he is with her. We really did have a great time together and I have good memories. I know one day he is going to try to contact me and I am prepared to tell him that I am not second best. I have great friends and already have a full calendar of events planned. Yesterday made a month that we have not been together and I am actually feeling pretty good (today). Thanks to the X I have great coping skills:-). Next time I will chose more wisely and if there is no next time I like who I am and I like being with me. Thanks for all your responses!!! YOu guys rock!

Charity411 posted 1/17/2014 16:03 PM

((((veelop5)))) that's so hard. We so want that first new relationship to prove to us that we are desired.

I learned the hard way after my divorce that I needed to ask very specific questions before I got involved with anyone. The first two single guys who asked me out I found out by the end of the first date were actually separated, not single. I only went on a second date with one of them. And upon further investigation, both were actually still living with their wives. I ended the relationships immediately and swore off separated men.

So now when someone says they're single, I ask them what that means.

Bebba1171 posted 1/17/2014 21:14 PM

I am sorry Veelop.

I had a wonderful one year relationship with an XSO where there were red flags all over.

We had a great time during that year which helped me get over my D.

A week after the one year point, she decided that we needed to end things since we were too different. At first, it was no big deal since I knew she was right.

When I found out she was seeing someone else, that really hurt. I was surprised how much it hurt. Someone else told me that getting over the first relationship post D was hard.

Yes it is!

That guy then broke up with her as he was scared of being exclusive.

XSO and I have remained very close throughout. As a token of my appreciation of our time together, I bought her a large new TV to replace the one she had that was broken for months. We exchanged XMas gifts and she came with me when I joined a church last weekend.

Staying friends has softened the blow for me. I even have kept in touch with her mom.

Can't imagine having to suddenly go NC with someone you are heavily involved with.


ladythump posted 1/17/2014 23:12 PM

I am very sorry for your pain. I don't have the exact same experience but my bf of 2 years just broke up with me because of insecurities I still have from my WH.

I know how you feel, being rejected always sucks. HUGS to you and try and hang in there.

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