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Helping him deal with anger toward AP

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Jovie posted 1/14/2014 12:22 PM

BH has said that he forgives me. We are communicating well and for the most part, things are moving along nicely toward reconciliation. But understandably, he has a lot of anger towards the OM. I try to be a good listener and always apologize for putting H through this and causing these feelings for him, but he says it isn't about me. He forgives me, thinks what I did is stupid, but doesn't seem to have the anger toward me, just the OM.

It seems like the answer is that I just need to keep listening to him, demonstrating my remorse and care for his feelings, etc., I just wish I could help him move past the anger. Not for any benefit of my own, I just hate seeing him struggling with this. What else can we do?

Kelany posted 1/14/2014 12:32 PM

Gently, your dday was a month ago. He's in no shape to "move past" his anger. It takes 2-5 years to get through this.

Be prepared, at first shock set in sometimes, you may not escape the anger for yourself.

wifehad5 posted 1/14/2014 12:36 PM

Did he have any sort of a relationship with the OM prior to this?

silentscream13 posted 1/14/2014 12:44 PM

I just wish I could help him move past the anger.

I didn't see a stop sign so I hope it is okay to post. You both, like my WH and I, are only a short time since Dday. (Yours only a month ago and today is our 2 month "antiversary"). Your BS is still most likely in the shock stage. Trust me. I was the same way. Angry at the OW, but not at the WS. Then the anger hit. I tried to move right past it. It only became horrific rage. I learned through my IC and our MC that I had to "feel" the anger towards my WH in a healthy way, because if I continued to either ignore or move my anger away from my WH and unto the OW, our marriage would not truly heal. I am still angry, but it is slowly starting to fizzle.

It seems like the answer is that I just need to keep listening to him, demonstrating my remorse and care for his feelings, etc.

He will start to get angry at you. You just need to continue doing what you said above. You are doing the right things. Just continue to do it and respect any boundaries he asks of you. Hold him when he allows it and continue to show your remorse. If you continue to do those things it will help him know you are truly in it for the long haul and willing to help him heal.

Jovie posted 1/14/2014 12:53 PM

Did he have any sort of a relationship with the OM prior to this?

No, he didn't know him personally.

I realize it is so soon, and I am trying to prepare myself for a bumpy road. Already it's been such a roller coaster. I feel like he should be more angry at me so I don't think I'll be surprised if it turns to that from here.

Thanks for the responses so far.

silentscream13 posted 1/14/2014 13:16 PM

I realize it is so soon, and I am trying to prepare myself for a bumpy road.

Have you checked out the Healing Library? Also, the Wayward Forum has a thread of great books for the WS, but work great for BS also.

My WH and I are reading almost everything together. Even books directed at the WS. It is helping me as the BS heal and him as the WH understand his "why" and how he can continue to help us both heal.

We are currently reading Not Just Friends (highly recommend. We have it on audio and WH is on his 2nd listen), The Five Languages of Love, and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

Also, a great post I found on SI helped my WH in the very beginning.

It is about helping me heal. He read it and started using it immediately. And even though I am still angry at times and not even near close to being healed, I honestly don't think we would even be where we are at if he did not utilize these ideas. I printed it out for him. He highlighted it and memorized it.

I wish you both the best of luck on your journey to heal.

heartbroken2012 posted 1/14/2014 14:34 PM

Im a BS, and I also told my WH that I forgave was not true.

I am a little over a year from Dday and I have still NOT forgave my WH, and I am still filled with deep, all consuming hatred for the OW. I have daily day dreams of something horrible happening to the OW. I cant even talk about the OW or the A without uncontrollably shaking.

I do get angry at my WH, but more for the AP. I think we do that because we have an emotional connection to our spouses, and to protect what feelings we did have for them.

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 2:37 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

mindbody posted 1/14/2014 15:59 PM

JMO - I don't see anything wrong in acknowleging to your BH that yes, he has every right to be angry with OM and you. Even if your BH is focusing on OM now, he needs to know that you are not protecting, defending, or denying OM's
responsibility as well as yours. BH needs to know you are "on his side" and his feelings are a result of both of your deceptions.

iwillNOT posted 1/15/2014 01:42 AM

Let him talk about it, bear witness to this and any other feelings he needs to express. At one month out he has barely begun to process what happened. It's waaaaay to soon to be " moving past" anything.

At 5 months out, I continue to feel the most intense, disturbing hatred for the OW. I want to harm her, to see her suffer, for her to be scorned and left by everyone she ever loved while she is dying of cancer, without morphine. I want to see it happen.

It's horrible to feel this way, never have I ever thought of another human being in this way. I am disturbed and distressed, but there it is. My WH and I have talked about why. Don't feel the same rage towards him( I do have a lot of anger towards him but nothing like the rage I have for her.). I know the common wisdom says that it is anger we place an the AP to avoid hating our spouse. For me, I believe it also has to do with the fact that I was so horribly harmed by WH and by OW, but WH is the one who has been here, remorseful, trying to make amends, apologizing in word and deed, and showing devastation at what he did. Her- she owes me an apology, something - but that hasn't happened. Probably never will.

Hope this helps.

SlowUptake posted 1/15/2014 01:50 AM

In the beginning our BS's don't want to believe that the person they love could do this to them. It's part of the denial stage.
So most of the anger that would be directed to we WS's gets redirected to the AP.
Don't worry, soon denial will be over and all that rage that couldn't be released on the AP will be coming your way. Prepare yourself.
Don't get angry, don't get defensive. Just keep reminding yourself where the anger is coming from, extreme emotional pain that we caused.

I wish you luck.

Later posted 1/15/2014 12:58 PM

I am nearly a year out and I have to avoid places where I know the OM will be. He committed an offense that we makes have learned from the time we were kids is worthy of a beat down.

You don't mess with my brothers.

You don't kick my dog.

You don't hit on my girl

And you never touch my drums

Unfortunately as adults we have responsibilities that do not allow us to do what we are hardwired to do. We have a tough time with that.

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