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WW very angry while doing the right thing

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FeelingSoMuch posted 1/14/2014 13:57 PM

My WW had an A at work. D-day was last February 20 and she has since said she'd get a new job once her contract ended. That happens in May of this year.

She sent out her first job application two nights ago and immediately told me that she resents me for 'making her quit her job.'

It's no use pointing out that she wouldn't have to leave her dream job if she hadn't had a nine-month A with a co-worker.

She's constantly telling me that I'm not listening and that I'm not making her feel better. She's been mean, angry and detached 95 per cent of the time. The other five per cent she's been incredibly needy and apologetic about her behaviour.

Either way, my feelings are not even in the picture. Whether I have a bad day, bad trigger or do something nice for her, she doesn't seem to have the capacity to fit that in her head given that her fears and anxiety are all tied to finding a new job.

On the one hand finding a new job is a positive. On the other, I feel forgotten - again.

For now, I'm going along with the detachment and giving her space while I worry about myself. Any advice?

Kelany posted 1/14/2014 14:03 PM

Um, wow.

Do you want to stay in this marriage?

Rebreather posted 1/14/2014 14:11 PM

You know, you can't make someone remorseful if they're not.

Is she in IC?

Has she done any independent work on herself?

Did you reply, "well isn't that funny, because I am resentful that you were fucking another man while on the job!"?

[This message edited by Rebreather at 2:11 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Brandon808 posted 1/14/2014 14:19 PM

She sent out her first job application two nights ago and immediately told me that she resents me for ''''making her quit her job.''''

Divorce her.

I cannot put it any plainer than that. She does not get it and (to steal from Ice-T) you would have to spread her whole body under a microscope to find one molecule that gives a shit about you.
She does not care about your pain.
She does care about her job.
She is not just putting her career above your needs. She is utterly disregarding and invalidating your pain.

It is enough to short-circuit your brain and make you feel like you are taking crazy pills when a WS says something so self-centered.

There is not a shred of indication she is going to change. You cannot keep looking at that 5% and expect it to grow. It is not growing. It is shrinking. I do not want you to spend another tortuous 6-9 months of going through this when you will just end up back at square one with an unremorseful WW.

I will go one step further. She has expressed her resentment. She wants you to let her off the hook and tell her she can keep her job. I would say the odds are pretty good that when it comes down to it she will implode the M and instigate a big fight over the job very soon, most likely at the one point where she has to truly commit to turning down the job.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 2:21 PM, January 14th, 2014 (Tuesday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/14/2014 14:20 PM

We're both in IC in addition to MC.

My IC therapist cautioned me about this would happen. Apparently it's normal -- up to a certain point.

I don't know yet if I want to stay in this marriage. I'm waiting to see how I feel once OM is not in the picture. They have no contact, but work together. I'm not living well with that.

I'm watching from a position of detachment. I feel a lot of love toward my WW. And resentment over her choices.

Brandon808 posted 1/14/2014 14:23 PM

They have no contact, but work together.
How? Seriously how can they work together and genuinely have no contact? If they still work together then he is in the picture.

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/14/2014 14:23 PM

Hey Brandon808,

The only thing I know for sure at this point is that I will not live with her continuing to work with OM past May 1.

If she instigates a fight, which she has been trying lately, and chooses the job I think I can walk away from the M.

I have been working on detaching and I know for sure I can't live with them having such close contact. For that reason I believe I can follow through with it if that's what it comes down to.

As far as expressing resentment, to me it seems like an improvement to have her aware of her feelings. Am I just finding excuses for her?

Morhurt posted 1/14/2014 14:25 PM

Oh crap, that's gotta hurt. I'm sorry that your wife is still in the fog of self centeredness. I wish you strength in whatever you choose to do.

Jrazz posted 1/14/2014 14:38 PM

Apparently it's normal -- up to a certain point.

I don't know about normal. Granted, my FWH was in transition from one job to another (hence his brilliant plan to use COW and then dump her when he moved.)

That being said, it is a distinctive trait of remorseful FWS's that they are pretty willing to cut out anything that is cancerous to the marriage.

In our case, FWH had an alcohol abuse issue before and during the A. We fought all the time about his drinking. (See: Smuggled miller lite into a Harry Potter movie)

After DDay, when the fog was blown into oblivion, he was completely willing to get help to control his alcohol dependency (was not diagnosed as addicted so I don't call it that) It was hard for him. It did not make him instantaneously happy. He missed the drinking, and was struggling to dial it back - but not for one second did he resent me for that. We would talk about it, I would work with him to control it with the help of our counselor, and through the struggling he would consistently admit that he was glad he was doing this for himself and for his family.

There is a fundamental difference between struggling to do the right thing, and blaming someone else for "forcing" you to make a change that will promote healing.

I'm so sorry, FeelingSoMuch. You deserve to have someone consider your feelings first.


Edited for a gender correction.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 3:45 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

nowiknow23 posted 1/14/2014 14:58 PM

As far as expressing resentment, to me it seems like an improvement to have her aware of her feelings. Am I just finding excuses for her?
I don't know that you are finding excuses for her, but you have set the bar incredibly low for her, and she's not even meeting that.


atsenaotie posted 1/14/2014 14:58 PM

For now, I'm going along with the detachment and giving her space while I worry about myself. Any advice?

Does she understand why it bothers you to have her working where her A occured, where her OM works? Can she articulate her understanding to you? If not, at nearly a year out, you may want to stepback to protect yourself more.

As for making her quit, I would not make her quit, I would simply make it clear that I did not feel "safe" staying in the M where my WW wanted to stay at the workplace where she had her A, and where she and the OM have acess to communicate and be with each other everyday.

My FWW would be embarassed to be back working at the location or with people she was working with during her A.

She's constantly telling me that I'm not listening and that I'm not making her feel better.

It is not your job to make her feel better, as for listening, how much has she listed to you? You mention that your feelings are not in the picture.

Razor posted 1/14/2014 15:01 PM

My WW gets this way.

I can never really know for sure what is in her mind. But I believe she gets angry this way because she believes that her LTA is my fault. That I drove her to it.

And now that she has to *suffer* consequences. That to is my fault.

7yrsflushed posted 1/14/2014 15:04 PM

Apparently it's normal -- up to a certain point.
Not so sure about this either. Throwing a weapon of mass destruction in your M then getting pissed when she is asked to fix it sounds normal for an extremely selfish and self centered person that does not get it at all. In other words an extremely unremorseful person. You are in R by yourself. My guess is she has been building additional resentment ever since she was caught and has been "required" to do these things you asked of her.

I agree with Brandon808. Remorse doesn't look like what you are seeing. What you are seeing is unremoresful behavior from someone acting like a child that has been caught and is being monitored in order to keep her on the right path. If you haven't heard it yet, you can expect the "you are trying to control her speech" pretty soon.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:05 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Razor posted 1/14/2014 15:05 PM

As for making her quit, I would not make her quit, I would simply make it clear that I did not feel "safe" staying in the M where my WW wanted to stay at the workplace where she had her A, and where she and the OM have acess to communicate and be with each other everyday.

I agree with this.

You cant make her feel something she does not feel. If you force an issue and she complies she is doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Quitting her job *because you told her to* is not the right reason. I suspect tho that in her mind this is what she may be thinking.

As atsenaotie said. Tell her how her staying there makes you feel. Then let her make her choice.

THEN you make your choice about staying in the M based on that. (dont tell her about this as it will influence her)

Brandon808 posted 1/14/2014 15:11 PM

What JRazz said.

As far as expressing resentment, to me it seems like an improvement to have her aware of her feelings. Am I just finding excuses for her?
I agree it is an improvement. Recognizing that as an improvement is not making an excuse for her. However, if you put too much stock in that improvement versus the things that are still an issue (i.e. resenting you, not validating your pain, etc) at that point you would be making an excuse.

I do not even see this as your needs (for healing) versus what she wants. I see this and her wants taking precedence over the M in her mind.

Feeling...there was a time when I did hold onto any positives, any sign of something good. I focused so intensely on those few, small positives that I blinded myself to the negatives all around me. I did not have a good M and I had a very bad WW (now xww). I speak from a position of more experience than anyone should have on the subject of being cheated on and I do not suggest what I have written lightly.

FeelingSoMuch posted 1/14/2014 15:23 PM

This is how I put it: "I don't see a future together as long as you work with OM."

I do feel that I have set the bar really low, which is why I'm asking the question here. Too often, I question my own judgement when it comes to my M, given that whatever choices were made got us here. It's nice to get an outsider's perspective.

This is my impression of things now. WW wants to R, but doesn't seem able to. She is intelligent and sensitive about anything incoming, but terrible at understanding the impact of what she sends out.

I would be in more pain if I hadn't been working on detaching for the last few months.

nowiknow23 posted 1/14/2014 15:32 PM

This is my impression of things now. WW wants to R, but doesn't seem able to. She is intelligent and sensitive about anything incoming, but terrible at understanding the impact of what she sends out.
Or, and I say this gently, she wants the issue to go away and everything to remain unaffected. That's a very different thing than wanting R. R requires introspection, commitment, remorse, and hard work. Have you seen any of that from her?

She's been mean, angry and detached 95 per cent of the time. The other five per cent she's been incredibly needy and apologetic about her behaviour.
Needy and apologetic is not remorseful, BTW.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/14/2014 15:34 PM

As far as expressing resentment, to me it seems like an improvement to have her aware of her feelings.

I don't see this as an increase in self-awareness.
I see it as a ramp-up in hostilities because the time for her to quit is drawing nearer and nearer.
I second Brandon's prediction.....

Sal1995 posted 1/14/2014 15:38 PM

She sent out her first job application two nights ago and immediately told me that she resents me for 'making her quit her job.'

I'm sorry you're going through this, Feeling. Your WW's statement strikes me two ways - she isn't remorseful, and irony is lost on her. She treated her own job as a playground, a meat market, and is now resentful that you don't value it as much as she apparently thinks that she does. From what I've read, resentment over having to find another job is fairly common. When you disrespect things - the marriage, the workplace, friends, etc. - you risk losing them. Sometimes you lose all of them. At least she gets to keep her husband, who should be vastly more important to her than any job, if she doesn't blow it. Not a difficult concept really.

Dare2Trust posted 1/14/2014 15:41 PM

You stated:

Either way, my feelings are not even in the picture

I'm sorry - but this is not marriage reconciliation.

Can I ask:
Why do you think she's even staying in this marriage if she's not giving your feelings any consideration?

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