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Calling all BS without kids

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roarlouder posted 1/14/2014 14:23 PM

We have no kids. I've always really wanted a family. WS not so enthused. I am 30-time to start thinking about them is soon. I actually expected to be pregnant now, but DDay blew the doors off of that.

Anyone else in a similar situation? If so, how is it playing into your decisions around D or R?

Right now I have zero desire to have a child with him(we are early in R), but I just wonder if doing so could be the worst decision ever....

DazedWI posted 1/14/2014 14:49 PM


I don't have any kids and ended up filing for divorce less than a week after finding WW at OM's home. Read my story in my profile to get a picture of what I am going through.

Life is to short to hold on to someone that treats us that poorly. We deserve better than that and karma is a bitch. Do I have my ups and downs, not going to lie I do, but they are less frequent and I realize now that my WW is not fit to be the mother of my children or any persons for that matter. Ultimately, the person and marriage that I loved died the moment she spread her legs for another man. You can't go back or try to recover, anything you do from here on out is starting back over from scratch. The more you try to make things the way they were the harder it is going to be and he will do it again.

cayc posted 1/14/2014 15:37 PM

I wasted the last of my childbearing years in a M with an unrelenting cheater, rugsweeing, false R, the whole 9 yards. Now I will never have children.

Get while the getting's good. I should have.

And either way, get some of your eggs frozen. It might come to pass that you need the help.

totalheartbreak posted 1/14/2014 15:50 PM

We were 'trying' to discuss starting a family but WW felt she never she had my agreement.
I was very pragmatic in these discussions, I felt we needed to discuss obstacles in the way first, mainly money but she always heard disagreement.
I kept going forward on my own and we were actually touring a larger home I was considering purchasing so we could start a family while she was still involved in her last A.
I found out later she was texting OM during our tour.
Her jaw hit the floor when I told the agent we were looking to start a family.
She couldn't believe I'd said it and I didn't understand her surprise.
She had no problem discussing starting a family with him though...

As of now, we both agree that kids are off the table.
I don't know what will happen now.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 3:54 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Skan posted 1/14/2014 15:59 PM

We don't have children however that's because I was unable to carry to term. I'm the one that never wanted children until I met my FWH. Go figure.

Frankly, if you want children, you don't have to stay with a cheater to have them. You do have a few more years before physically it becomes crucial. Why not take this year to figure out if you're staying or going, and then make your decision? Either way, you can certainly have children with or without him.

RealityStinks posted 1/14/2014 16:04 PM

I'm in this boat. My WW and I were married young, and the age at which she wanted children kept increasing. I was OK with it because I didn't want kids until I turned 30 or so. Well, that will be later this year, and here I am. I'm to the point where I want to start a family, but I'm dealing with this crap instead. But, as a guy, the "clock" is not as big of a deal for me.

She left. While she was still living in the same house, she said she wanted a D because she wanted children, didn't want them with me, needed time to find someone else, she's getting older, and she needed to "give them a few years" with her before kids. Clock is ticking, so to speak. This was before I knew about he OM, who is 53 flipping years old. He has kids that are almost our age! She is SOL if she thinks he is going to give her kids.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO grateful that we do NOT have kids right now. I'm about ready to hop of the D train, and I wouldn't want to put them through that.

If you R with your WH, I would wait for a long while before trying to have kids. He has to prove himself for awhile, IMO.

In my case, my desire to have a family is one of the reasons I'm considering for D. I don't know if I would actually be able to R with my WW the way we both deserve. Do I want to waste the time to find out? Or, do I want to risk this happening again (not to say that my next W might not do the same thing, but I'll be wiser in spotting it)? Me, right now, I don't think so. But, you have to ask yourself these questions.

Hang in there.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 08:49 AM

I, like cayc, stayed in my relationship for 9 years and wasted the last remaining years of my fertility on the asshat. He's apologized in the past for putting me in the position I'm in, but it doesn't change things. I just broke up with him a few days ago. I wouldn't waste your time. You have plenty of time still, though. You can get your eggs frozen. Cost is high but it's worth it in the end.

I tried to get pregnant through fertility treatments with my assclown and did actually. I miscarried however. My friend told me the other night that things happen for a reason.

Don't end up with regret.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 08:50 AM

Oh and I had always wanted children. That's all I felt like I was meant to do. Here I am and it's too late.

Vulcanized posted 1/15/2014 09:31 AM

We'd discussed it, but it didn't happen. DDay did, and that was that. Now I'm too old to be a first time mother.

Although I'm sad that I didn't have them, it made the D a lot easier. If we had, I'd of probably R'd w/XH, for their sake. So, for that, am glad that we didn't.

I agree w/others. Freeze your eggs, so regardless, you still have that option. You are still young enough that you have 10 - 12 years left, regardless of how your M pans out.

IMO, early in R, I'd not bring a baby into the mix. Too volatile.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 10:39 AM

I guess I should say I waited and waited for him to come around. When I turned 39 I just said, I have to get pregnant. I'm tired of waiting. And that was with his questionable behavior, but I was so anxious to have a family, I looked past it. Now, that was my situation. But had I discovered then what I discovered recently, I would have ended it then.

I guess you could see how things pan out, and in the meantime just start doing what you need to do for your future, which may include egg freezing.

nomoreplease posted 1/15/2014 11:25 AM

XWW wanted to be a SAHM. I was happy to give that to her, but we had to pay off our car and a personal loan before we could afford to live off my salary. As the years ticked by my XWW started to get antsy about having kids, and every time it came up I simply told her, “If you want to be a SAHM, then we have to pay off these debts first” and that was the end of the discussion. This became a big bonding conversation between her and OM, because I was the selfish A-hole that wouldn’t give her kids, even though it wasn’t until after d-day that she finally told me that it was more important to have kids, now (which I would’ve also been cool with, if it hadn’t been for her A) than be a SAHM. But at that point, I wasn’t about to have kids with her until she rebuilt some trust, so again I was the selfish A-hole that wouldn’t give her kids and she used that as part of her justification to D me. Ironically, it was ultimately her spending that prevented us from having kids and her being a SAHM like she wanted several years before her A.

Ultimately, it really worked out in my favor. It made the D much simpler, and I’m still young enough that I can start a family with someone else.

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