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Seeing all the multiple ddays scares the crap outta me

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inthedark14 posted 1/14/2014 17:52 PM

I keep seein all of u who have multiple ddays and it's adding to my paranoia and scaring crap outta me

cl131716 posted 1/14/2014 17:58 PM

It did me too! Unfortunately most people don't catch things the first time or even if they do they don't know how to handle it so it gets rugswept and then happens again (like me). I haven't had a new D-day, as in a discovery of a new A, but I got TT from way back about things I never knew happened after the first time I confronted him with cheating. I hope I never have to add another one.

isadora posted 1/14/2014 18:00 PM

Udouble post

[This message edited by isadora at 6:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

isadora posted 1/14/2014 18:00 PM

Unfortunately its something you can't control. It takes time to come to terms that this is your life. I have had multiple ddays. Including the recent discovery that WH eas using his drug of choice again. validation from another inappropriate relationship after behaving and white knuckling fidelity for almost 3 years.

I survived. And still am surviving. You will get through this

Jesu posted 1/14/2014 18:02 PM

Yep, it's scary...and quite common. Never thought I'd even have one DDay, let alone multiple...yet here I am.

Ostrich80 posted 1/14/2014 18:07 PM

I expected another. I just didn't see how you can talk to someone every day for two yrs, then.just stop. I did have DD2
It was 2 yrs after the first. You can only control what you do I've learned. Cautious optimism is all I can advise. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Yea it sucks

HFSSC posted 1/14/2014 18:08 PM

I'm one with multiple ddays and there are a couple of reasons why.

One of the reasons is that I didn't find SI until I discovered 2 months of false R in the 3rd or 4th A. You are already far ahead in that arena. I had no idea how to deal with or heal from our infidelities. Hell, I didn't even recognize that I had been both an OW and a WW until after I joined SI as a BW.

We rugswept everything. Each time, we were sure that he had "learned his lesson." "Boy, was that close! Whew!"

So we never fixed anything, never truly healed. And all we did was virtually guarantee another trip to Shitville.

Listen to the people who have been here a while. And be prepared to draw a line in the sand for your WH. I am definitely a fan of reconciliation, because it is working for us. But if he hadn't FINALLY believed that I was done and begun doing all of the "heavy lifting" we would have a different story.

First and foremost, ABSOLUTE NC. Total. No. Contact. Ever. With the AP (affair partner) That needs to be non negotiable. A very close second is transparency. He should have no access to any media, computer or communication device that is not open to you, anytime or anywhere. No passwords that you don't know. No email, IM, text or chat. That includes games like candy crush and words with friends.

I balked at all that. I didn't want to be his net nanny. But I did not understand the extent of his attachment or the characteristics of addiction that were there. And it was too easy for him to fall back into texting Whoreible to make himself feel better.

Don't settle. Demand his 100% God's honest best. Know that he will fail sometimes, but don't stop expecting his best.

There is hope. You don't have to go thru another day, but (and this part may really piss you off) you do not have any power over that. You didn't cause the affair. And you can't cure the marriage. It is a scary proposition to realize that there's no magic answer, like "Eureka! He had the A because I did x,y,z. So all I have to do is a,b,c and everything will be fine."

What you CAN do is let your H know your boundaries. And do whatever it takes to protect your boundaries. He may need a good bit of IC before he's even ready for MC. He needs to find out what was broken in him to allow him to choose infidelity, and then do the work to correct that.

Edited because I missed one autocorrect. My kindle does not like my dirty mouth, and apparently can't handle the word "piss".

[This message edited by HFSSC at 6:33 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

steadfast1973 posted 1/14/2014 18:13 PM

Yes. I was so scared of losing him, I settled for less than I should have. I was so happy that he went NC with his EAP, that I led the other stuff slide. I ignored the porn addiction... And did not push him to face his issues with intimacy. And for awhile he did great! Then his stupid mother moved in, with all of her crazy... Which triggered him and all of his foo issues and shame... He told her about her second husband raping him as a child, and she told him it was his fault! (Really, I kicked her at that minute.) he amped up the porn, almost cheated, then didn't. He had a cycle for about two years of almost cheating, then backing out... Until he didn't back out. He immediately confessed, the whole truth, all two years, total remorse... The whore was his rockbottom...

If dday2 had gone the way dday1 had, he'd not have the chance he has. He's owning his shit, this time, as am I. I have ducks in row to leave if i need to, and have very big lines drawn in the sand.

simplydevastated posted 1/14/2014 18:14 PM

Yep, it's scary...and quite common. Never thought I'd even have one DDay, let alone multiple...yet here I am.


Ostrich80 posted 1/15/2014 01:04 AM

What you CAN do is let your H know your boundaries

And this ^^^

shatteredapart posted 1/21/2014 10:15 AM

I hear you. It's scary and sad all tolled into one. For me it was finding out that he never cut off contact. Supposedly his was never a PA but I may never know the truth. First I found a calling card in his company car after he claimed to cut off all non-work relayed contact. Then things still didn't seem right so after another 6 weeks I started checking things again. I ended up discovering voice mails over a 5 day period. I just got "lucky" to hear them before he checked and erased them. That's when the sh!t really hit her fan. I think we're finally in recovery mode but I'll have a hard time believing it for a long time after 2 false starts. I say being prepared for the worst will save you in the long run.

SpotlessMind posted 1/21/2014 10:27 AM

I actually had two DDays as well. The first one, I discovered emails and my WH said it was an online affair only. With one girl.

But the next three weeks, he wasn't acting right. Fought transparency, was defensive and angry. Even though it was pre-SI, I could tell this wasn't right...but he made me feel crazy for thinking that.

Sure enough, 3 weeks later I found out most of the rest. It was traumatic and horrible, but in a small way a relief, bc I'd started wondering if I really was crazy.

TrustGone posted 1/21/2014 10:37 AM

Yes it is scary and sad at the same time. Some get it the first time, but many waywards don't. It just adds to the pain that much more that they could see you hurt and then do it to you again. Even though mine pretended to end the A on DDay#1, he actually just took it underground for another year until she outed him again. I think he did end it for real the last time, but I can't be sure of that. This is all before SI, so I am hoping the last time I made it clear that if he did it again we were done and he knows I mean it. I can only hope for the best, but expect the worst. R is a hard road to go down. Some make it, others don't and get trampled again and again.

norabird posted 1/21/2014 10:52 AM

It is scary, so no wonder you are frightened! I wish I had found this site after the first Dday, so I could have gotten more detachment and tried NC and maybe saved myself from the second....sometimes unfortunately it just takes time to find out who the person you think you love *really* is.

TXBW68 posted 1/21/2014 14:51 PM

It's very scary! But the most important thing for you to remember is that you have 42000+ people to help you thru the mess.

My first DDay was technically Sept 2006 - but I didn't know it was called DDay. Nor did I know about SI. We did in-house separation for about 6 months and he finally said "I want to stay married. I love you." I said "OK" and the magic broom swept everything under the rug. Until 2012...That story is in my profile.

The biggest difference between the two situations is that I can see that we never actually addressed the issues back in 2006-2007. His behavior outside of the house did not change at all! I didn't ask for full disclosure. I told myself that since he hurt me one time and apologized, he would NEVER do that to me again. And I tried to be the best possible wife I could be. What I didn't know then is that it was never about ME.

We have successfully reconciled now after a 10 month physical separation in 2012. We have worked together and individually to address our issues. But most of all, I used the tools and strength I have gained from this site and set very clear boundaries and expectations. If he wasn't willing to put our marriage first on his priority list, then we would have divorced.

Fortunately for you, you can take the wealth of knowledge found on this site and move forward in a healthy way - unlike me in 2006. No doubt it is very scary. But hang in there. You will come out OK on the other side.

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