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Day 3 of knowing

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Whytome posted 1/14/2014 17:56 PM

Good evening fellow broken hearts!! Well today was day 3 of knowing and I feel no better then the last two. I am still so hurt that he would do this. That he would hire a hooker.

I feel like the only thing keeping me going right now is that I am determined for my kids to be okay. I called today to schedule a STD/HIV testing. That was hard. The poor lady on the phone could barely understand me I was crying so hard.

I have read several posts on here that suggest to not take it day by day but rather minute by minute. At this point that is best for me. I can't even handle the thought of what tomorrow will bring

He is doing a really good job of getting himself help through sexaholics anonymous and he is trying to console me. I just can't even begin to explain the emotional roller coaster that I am on. I can't believe how fast and drastically my emotions change from hour to hour.

I don't know if I will ever forgive him for this. I'm really trying to put my best foot forward!!! I hope tomorrow is easier. Hell I hope the next hour is easier!!!! Thank you all so much for being here with me while I try to piece this all together. I don't know any of you but you have already helped me so much!!!!

TheWrongedMan posted 1/14/2014 18:17 PM

Hi, I am something of a comparative veteran now - five days! You need to keep going and it does get better. I am finding that once I get a 'strategy' in place to sort things out, then this whole illogical mess not of my making seems to lighten a little and I can see a way forward.

Stay strong and ride out your feelings. I am accepting that my brain is going through different stages constantly to try and cope and you have to let it do its thing. I find getting out in the open, exercising and coming on here help though.

Also, we seem to be the fortunate ones in that we have repentant partners. Lucky us!

Mr. Kite posted 1/14/2014 18:24 PM

Allow yourself to cry, to get angry, and to feel whatever you need to feel. It's perfectly normal. Your whole world has just been turned upside down. Know that we are all here for you and that you are not alone during this ordeal.

During the first few months after D-day 1 I went from homicidal thoughts to suicidal thoughts and back and forth on a daily basis. I lost and regained 30 pounds. Not everyone reacts in that manner but it does affect some of us that way. Keep posting and reading here. Devour the Healing Library that is on the left of your screen. Know that you will get through this.

outtanowhere posted 1/14/2014 18:34 PM


I'm so sorry you have found yourself holding a ticket for this ride. It's one we never wanted to get on. My world was turned upside down by discovering that my H too paid for sex. I'm 11 months out and many days still feel like my head is on backwards.

It will get better as things become clearer. It takes time to process this painful information and once that begins you will slowly but surely start gaining your footing. There is so much helpful information regarding sex addicts in the I Can Relate forum. Read the first page of the Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts thread. Please feel free to post there as well since there are many of us there trying to work our way out of the insanity that this has brought into our lives.

Peace and hugs being sent your way.

nekorb posted 1/14/2014 20:36 PM


I'm sorry you are here. You're so early on...don't be surprised if it gets worse for a bit. It did for me anyway. But it will get better. Then worse. Then better. You get the idea.

Just keep breathing in and out and drink your water. Come to SI and share your woes, we get it.

2goodannie posted 1/14/2014 22:32 PM

What I have learned 3 months since DDay? It still hurts as much as it did the day I discovered, but the pain has turned from shock and sadness to anger. My problem now is that I am reflecting back on past times and how he wasn't there or would become easily angered with me or the kids over stupid things. He was living a lie and couldn't stand himself, so he took it out on us. So, not only am I dealing with the LTA, but also how he treated us...I can't believe that this is the man I call my husband! He would verbally jump on me for not having groceries bought by a certain time or the house was not picked up, but he was out "jumping" his girlfriend??? WTF! I know that all this anger is not good and I need to let it go, but this is a level of anger that I have never felt before in my 44 years of life and there are sometimes I am literally crawling out of my skin, because I don't know how to handle...UGH! How did others deal with such strong and intense feelings?

Daddo posted 1/14/2014 23:05 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Some quick advice - the "day by day / minute by minute" advice is spot on. It is way to early to know what you want to do, what you think of your marriage, what your future will bring. Right now, all you can do is stop the bleeding. You took a major emotional wound, and you are in shock.

It will get better. You will get through this. Some marriages even get better after this - but that is all in the future. Right now, get some help, find some support - people you can lean on and get through ththis

iamsoblind42 posted 1/14/2014 23:25 PM

So sorry Day3. I am Day4 and it has been the hardest yet. I hope it will not be for you.

One thing I found to help me today was to organize things... Drawers, fridge anything.

Since world is falling apart felt like that was at least something I could control.

Hot showers help too.

Deep breaths!!!!

Truly hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

FoggedIn posted 1/14/2014 23:51 PM

Oh dear, I'm so sorry! I too remember Day 3! I thought I would die! It got better & then it got worse, when I found out there was more. That is not always the case, so please don't get discouraged that you are in for more misery than you are already in! But I do caution you to seek the truth and all of the truth early on!! Don't wait months like I did to begin digging and researching in to anything that your gut tells you (or told you in the past and you ignored, like me) that is off! If it feels off or wrong, it probably is. Dig into it now, ask the questions now. Don't wait!!! I discovered the "window of truth" is very very small an gets closed very quickly.

Take care of yourself and what you need first and foremost! That is paramount!


[This message edited by FoggedIn at 11:53 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Whytome posted 1/15/2014 06:33 AM

Thank you all so much for telling me your stories as well. It means a lot. And it helps IMMENSLY. I'm getting ready to head to the school for an iep meeting for my son and I just want to focus on that and on him for that hour that we will be there. I have said the serenity prayer about 25 times already this morning and yes it is only 7:30 am. Lol.

The worst part of all of this. I know my husband like the back of my hand. I know he has an addiction problem with sex. I know that this isn't really him. I am 100% confident that this is just as hard on him as it is me. I have always been able to tell when he is hurting. I almost want to say he is hurting worse then me.

But with all of that. He planned this over a two week period. He knew what he was doing. He knew he could have stopped himself from this. Ughhhh I hate life right now. I'm going to smile today. I am determined that somehow if only for a split second I am going to feel myself smile. It will not be at him but I will do it. I AM STRONG!!! I CAN DO THIS!!! Love you all and thanks again!!!!

totallyconfused1 posted 1/15/2014 07:05 AM

I'm on day 7 and like you lots of ups and downs. Hope you are able to concentrate on your meeting for your son. I find that the hardest - dealing with all the other issues (like work, my mom's dr's appointments, kids stuff) when in your head you are screaming "I don't care ---- you have know idea what's going on in my life right now .." But you have to put on that brave face and deal with all the other stuff.

Interesting what someone said about cleaning out stuff. When I first found out that's what I had the urge to do - to purge. Threw stuff out, donated stuff. (Maybe to curb the urge to throw dh out right away, I had to get rid of some garbage. :).

My dh seems remorseful. His back is sore from sleeping in the basement. He has an app't for IC today that he made himself. So we shall see. Some people hear told me about the 180 and that's what I'm working on.

Good luck.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 10:53 AM

I cleaned/put stuff away in the minutes before I broke up with him. I think it was just a mental way to get the house in order b/c I worried that I wouldn't have the strength to move or clean after doing it.

Whytome posted 1/16/2014 07:38 AM

That is interesting about wanting to throw stuff out. I haven't had that urge yet. I have been laying in bed with him for 3 days straight other than a quick trip to the dr or the grocery and when he has gone to work and of course when the kids get home from school. Which he works (7p-3a) I keep having these urges of needing him to show me affection.
Which he has been doing a really good job of. I think he has cried as much as I have. I know that he is a wonderful man. I know that he feels terrible. He is a sex addict no doubt about it.

Then, I start to think to myself "maybe I'm just trying to brush it under a rug" I sure as hell am not really doing that but I just don't understand my feelings right now. Which is VERY SCARY!!

I agree with you it seems like nothing else is of any importance. I could care less about anything right now. I also agree with the statement that I just want to say to other people "you have no idea what I'm really thinking. My husband banged a hooker 8 months ago"!!!! And went back for more while we were trying to have baby number 4. He didn't go back but he did reach out to her!!! Which is the same as going back in my eyes!!

I wish everyone on here a day of heeling today. I hope everyone has something positive happen to them today!! I will be thinking of you all!!

painfulpast posted 1/16/2014 09:03 AM

I hate to be the one to say this - but what makes you believe him that it was just one time? If there is one thing we know, it's that WSs lie - a lot - when first caught. Have you checked his Ipad records? Phone records?

You said he paid with a payday loan. Those companies direct debit bank accounts. If that isn't happening, then he's lying about that. Also, the interest is insane. Generally, if you borrow $1000, you will pay $300 twice a month for interest. If you do the bills, is that amount of money missing?

I would be very skeptical of his story. I would also insist that he call OW that was emailing and tell her to tell you everything, and then put you on the phone. His story, to me, is so suspicious I would be very hard pressed to believe he's told you everything.

I'm so sorry he's done this and that you've hurting. Why people need to destroy a person that loves them I'll never understand.

Dawn58 posted 1/16/2014 10:06 AM

I had to take it a breath at a time. There were times when the pain was so overwhelming, all I could do was just breath through it. I did a lot of crying, sobbing and stomping around. I lost my appetite and lost a lot of weight in alarmingly short period of time. My sleep went down to a couple hours a night. I felt like I was in a fog and was in a state of shock for a while.

Take good care of yourself. I drank a lot of hot tea and took a lot of hot baths. I talked to my family and friends. I started to see therapist. I went in for the STD testing and balled like a baby. I felt all this shame when it was him that cheated. It was not a reflection on me and had nothing to do with me, but with him.

Please read the healing library, post here often and know that you are not going through this alone. You have a lot of support here.

Katz13 posted 1/16/2014 19:49 PM

Whytome-Wow it is like you are living my life. So sorry that we are now part of this sad club. Just know that you are not alone.

norabird posted 1/16/2014 19:54 PM

I have to say, for day three you sound like you are doing great--it hurts like anything, and just keeping your head up and moving yourself forward by sheer will or inertia or stubbornness or even in total occasional breakdown is something to be proud of yourself for. And it will get easier (even if it might get harder after it gets easier). In the meantime take a few seconds when you can to appreciate your strength, even when you worry that you are being weak.

Mhiimg65 posted 1/16/2014 20:04 PM

I'm in day 10 of knowing: a ten month long affair and encounters with prostitutes. He was very remorseful, until tonight when I asked more questions. Turns out he did have an extra cell phone. I thought I had one of the strongest marriages I know, and what I've found is a man I never knew. He was extremely defensive tonight, and I'm sure it's because I keep finding things. I have not bombarded him with a lot of questions and I always brace him for when I have one. But tonight, he was really angry because I looked at his contact list in his phone.

Don't break down here and give in. He's got to really prove his remorse, and what I'm discovering is that my man, although I truly believe wants to R, is putting up the best of front to show remorse. I want the real thing, just like all of us deserve. Give this more time and don't let your guard down. There's gonna be more bumps and bruises along the line.

Whytome posted 1/16/2014 21:01 PM

Thank you all so much for your advice. Maybe I sound better on here then I really am. Please don't misunderstand me I am a total emotional mess. I haven't eaten much for days, haven't slept for days and am barely moving along.

I do believe my husband when he tells me that he only did it once. He has explained every last question without anger. He has explained how he went about paying the check place fees and it does all add up. But don't get me wrong. ONCE IS WAY TO OFTEN IN MY BOOK. It is the same as several times if you ask me. He has reached out to 4-5 different women but claims that he only had intercourse with one. According to him he didn't have the money for the others (which also makes sense) he says he even did have money for one of them and pulled in the parking lot of the hotel went to take off his wedding ring and couldn't do it so he pulled out.

I think he is being honest with me but I'm not 100% sure as I thought we had a great marriage. I just today starting doing a little snooping and didn't find anything that he hadn't already told me. I plan to do some more tomorrow while he is asleep. I hope he is being honest with me. Today was a pretty shitty day and I'm hopeful tomorrow is better. I just don't understand how a spouse can do this to another. They are suppose to love, protect and care about us. Why and how can they do these things if they care about us. It just doesn't make sence to me at all. And to be totally honest I have started feeling down right pissed!!! Can't wait to see what the next hour brings. God knows it will change. I hate him for putting me through this. And our family through this!!! Good night all. Please try to get some sleep and take a deep breath!!

Mhiimg65 posted 1/16/2014 21:45 PM

My pissed off time is 11:00 p.m. to 3 a.m. I thought I could trust too, keep snooping, and take a deep breath when you find more. I hope you don't, but please be prepared. I'm day 10, and much of what I found earlier on is just sinking in. I couldn't go "balls to the walls " with all of it in a confrontation, because I'd be blamed for a bad temper (which I do have now, and I'm damn cranky from lack of sleep and food). Do confront him, but don't give up how you found it. Save that and document it. Hang in there. I'd tell you to get plenty of rest like everyone else, but the reality is, you won't. So nap during the down times. And stay strong.

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