[This message edited by shatteredapart at 8:08 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.
I really do think that it's time to 180 him so that you can gain clarity for yourself. I also think that it's time to see a lawyer and find out exactly what your rights are for spousal/child support. He is not heading down the R pathway. He's plunging headfirst into the refusal to face reality path and the rugsweeping and minimizing path as well.
You deserve better. Your children deserve better. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
There's no such thing as trust for any WS, they screwed up and can't have it. If they can't take it, then I'd suggest they go with the OP and live a happy life, two cheaters and at least one home-wrecker.
I seriously don't know how any WS can live with themselves. My WS used to bug me to delete my cheating friends from Facebook. This was before I knew what it was like to be a BS. But once she did it, I took out the trash. All WS, and non-remorseful fWS were deleted, and that included my WS.
Heartbroken303 the reason I've done these things is accountability and trust building. Yes he could do all those things you mentioned but with me seeing all the finances it would be hard for him to buy a burner phone. Plus he has nowhere to hide the phone except his company car since he doesn't have an office and his work locations are so spread out. I'll start checking the car. I just need him to face it. He's delusional. It's going to take kicking him put for the sh!t to totally hit the fan. When I took the kids and left for a few days before New Year's it hurt him. And that's with me letting him see the kids and us meeting to talk. Sigh... I don't think he'll ever wake up so I'm stuck in this nightmare.
Sigh... I don't think he'll ever wake up so I'm stuck in this nightmare.
I should know - I've done it more than once.
Good luck to you.
[This message edited by shatteredapart at 8:29 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
No you're not. Unless you're chained to the floor, you're not stuck. There's always a way to get to a better place if you want it bad enough.
NeverAgain2013, you are so right! Today is only day 5 for me but I made my WH move out on day 2. I am getting stronger and realizing it would be better to be single than to be with a man like that.
I have 2 beautiful kids and it breaks my heart to see them hurting but we will all get through this.
shatteredapart, suggest you pull his credit report today. I am going to pull my WH's as well. Keep me posted. Prayers of strength coming your way!
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
Please implement the 180D on him. Its more for you. It will get you out of this horrible limbo state by either pushing him away into her arms, or it will defog him.
Do not sit there like a puppy waiting on him to choose you. Read through all the "just found out" threads. WS all do the same things and say the same things as if from a common script. Its rediculous what we put ip with.
Read through the healing library, and 180D him.
Good luck to you
Its too late now. I gave here 7 months to R with me, but she kept fucking him. Even during false R.
Trust absolutly nothing he says. Look after yourself. Eat plenty and sleep plenty.
We are here for you.
I'm happy that you can watch the finances and what he's up to. Good job! I do keep somewhat of an eye on my WS, but it's more stealthily. I want her guard down as much as possible.
<Discovery> On Sunday he finally allowed me access again. Ironic that this was something he was going to give me after our first (of only 2) counseling session and I said no. Why did I say no...because MC said I got to choose 2 trust things for him to commit to and if he didn't agree we would discuss it and I would choose something else. I chose password/access to his phone and access to his company car. He granted me access to car but I never really got it and denied the phone. He offered the bill up and I figured no because if he was offering it then he was still using phone card or something. I discovered I can access old bills. Something I wish I had known in September when i had access. Before digging into that I tracked our current (active billing cycle) bill that shows lots of 999999 (blocked/unavailable) numbers. No wonder he suddenly didn't want me to see the bill. I'm not stupid. They didn't stop calls after Dday2...but obviously I knew that with dday3. I then discovered that the old billing statements show where all calls originated from. Bingo. He was still meeting her almost every Monday and an occasional 2nd day during the week. He has no work locations in that area an hour from our home. That's where they were meeting before...Discovered by bank statements (met up with her and bought her lunch once or twice a week) I also discovered a 999999 call the Tuesday following my first dday. So she he broke off contact that Friday via text and she contacted him that Tuesday. If he had just hung up maybe we wouldn't be here now. After the 2nd is when the 99999 numbers started showing up. I'm not telling him I discovered any of this. I'm going to sit on it and wait. It sucks though that I can't access where the calls originate from until after that month's statement has been processed. I was going to block unavailable numbers on his phone but then that'll put them on alert. <<end discovery>>
Possible good news...He seemed to seriously hear me this time. I'm crying, freaking out and everything on the phone. Sobbing my heart out. He doesn't know what it stems from (Phone records) but it's obvious I've lost it and I'm close to done. This is what he going to do...These things came out of my melt down. Things he heard and addressed. He's committed to me that he will allow me to talk about this daily. We will set aside up to an hour a day (less only if I want) until I don't need it anymore. He will try harder not to say "I don't know" (he has always been bad with dates and details) and figure out the answers to my questions. We will re-visit I don't knows until I'm ok with the answers. He will control his voice, negative actions and filter what he says (eliminate negative, hurtful and unnecessary things). He will start being active in the running of our household. He won't argue about me seeing money, receipts and phone. He will finish reading "How to Help my Spouse Heal from my Affair" (he's almost done...I think he's missing the BS points...ugh) and we will discuss it. We will continue on to other books and discuss weekly.
On his drive home he called me back and let me talk and talk (that was our hour this time). He then came home and without me asking and no complaints handed me his receipts and showed me the cash he had leftover. He hugged me tight. He followed through looking into an issue I had with the dryer (avoided this for a week). We had a good family evening and he held me tight all night.
Question I have...I'm not buying into it all. Only long term actions will tell. Him not fighting what he's offered up will show true colors. He hates having little privacy but that's his fault. I guess what I'd like to know from SI veterans is it common to have 2 or 3 ddays due to WS not bring able to commit to NC? It's truly an addiction and I said as much to him. He just can't stop reconnecting. Trouble is they work together. She mentored him after one of his locations opened. It grew from there. They only have to see each other at quarterly meetings. I told him if they need to communicate I'd like as much as possible done through work email and he is to show me. Any calls must be quick and professional. If she asks about us he is to say it's none of her business and steer the conversation back to work. If she turns it personal in anyway not to answer and either steer it back to work or hang up. And of course show me. Last time he was suppose to show me any calls and he said she never called. That's what set off my radar among other things. So...now its wait and see.
[This message edited by shatteredapart at 3:39 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]
Though our circumstances are different in ways (as are everyone's) I wanted to say that the name of your thread really resonated with me.
To use a bad metaphor (and I seem to have been using and hearing a lot of those recently), I feel like I'm trapped and there are two exits in front of me, but both are blocked. I have to decide which one to take, but the effort required to remove the obstacles is going to be really hard work and painful either way.
I know that doesn't solve anything, but I feel the same hopelessness as you do. Sometimes it's almost like one of us wants the other to end it for them to get the whole thing over with, but neither of us can do it.
[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 12:45 AM, January 17th (Friday)]
Read my profile, you may see what I did right, and what I didn't do right that got us through it.
Eventually we found our way out. But it did take me being done for that to happen.
Demand the respect you deserve. If he truly loves you he will work his ass off to make it happen.
MC said I got to choose 2 trust things for him to commit to and if he didn't agree we would discuss it and I would choose something else. I chose password/access to his phone and access to his company car.
You need a new MC. You should have access to anything and everything. Privacy and secrecy are two totally different things. Privacy is closing the bathroom door when you go. Secrecy is hiding your cell phone and financial records and passwords.
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.