"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

shatteredapart posted 1/14/2014 20:05 PM

It seems like getting my husband to follow through 100% on our agreed "trust" things is impossible. I'm frustrated, angry, hurt and ready to give up. I heard myself say several times in the last hour to "just leave then". His answer...yell, silent treatment and to say it's not that easy. I really get the feeling he's not here for our marriage. I think it's convenient and let's be honest, cheaper than moving put and divorcing.
The things on our trust agreement are: passwords to phone, voicemail (I have email). I have the passwords but asking to see the phone gets attitude. Financial verification...I see all receipts and all cash is accounted for. Access to phone bill...finally got this after him agreeing several times then blowing me off (huge fight during). He is to call when he gets to the location hes working at and when he leaves. And checking work email...still haven't seen.
Today's fight...money. He finally got me the receipt. I snooped in his wallet to verify cash. He got pissed. It was short. He flipped on me, stomped out to the car and came back with $5 more dollars and threw it on the bed. It's now my fault because I'm controlling, up his butt all day and can't give it a rest. He says it's 24/7 with me and he can't take it. He doesn't get that he agreed to these things. The only thing he's followed through with is calling from work. And it's only been the last few days that I don't get an attitude about it. I'm giving all I can but I can't make it work by myself. He's definitely a rug sweeper and stonewaller. I'm ready to throw in the towel.
There's more but I'll post that tomorrow after he's at work. Please send prayers of strength my way...

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 8:08 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

PurpleLilac posted 1/14/2014 20:25 PM

I'm sorry. I'm just new to all this as well, so I can't offer help. But I can tell you I'm sure this is frustrating as hell. Hugs to you.

focusupward posted 1/14/2014 20:50 PM

Shattered, hang in there, so very sorry for your pain. My WW acted very similar after both A's. Many hugs and prayers sent.

Skan posted 1/14/2014 21:05 PM

Detatch from him tonight, and tomorrow, when he goes to work, you need to sit down and really figure out if this is worth it. He is not remorseful. He's backsliding, lying, throwing up walls, and treating you with the utmost disrespect.

I really do think that it's time to 180 him so that you can gain clarity for yourself. I also think that it's time to see a lawyer and find out exactly what your rights are for spousal/child support. He is not heading down the R pathway. He's plunging headfirst into the refusal to face reality path and the rugsweeping and minimizing path as well.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better. (((hugs)))

heartbroken303 posted 1/14/2014 21:17 PM

I'm running into that too. And to some extent it confuses me why people want access to that stuff when the WS can simply get another email address and disposable phone. So for that reason I didn't push that with my WS because she may go underground instead of being so honest. Instead I keep an eye out covertly.

There's no such thing as trust for any WS, they screwed up and can't have it. If they can't take it, then I'd suggest they go with the OP and live a happy life, two cheaters and at least one home-wrecker.

I seriously don't know how any WS can live with themselves. My WS used to bug me to delete my cheating friends from Facebook. This was before I knew what it was like to be a BS. But once she did it, I took out the trash. All WS, and non-remorseful fWS were deleted, and that included my WS.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 05:31 AM

Yes my xBF did that. He agreed to be transparent but it didn't really happen. When I asked to see something he would get angry. I took that as one of the signs he wasn't willing to move forward.

shatteredapart posted 1/15/2014 07:11 AM

Thanks everyone for the support. This is killing me. He talks a good smooth game when he wants to then flips out when I try to hold him accountable. He's like a child. I'm attempting 180 right now. He ignored me the rest of the night. This morning in bed he pulls me into his arms. Never says sorry or anything. This is typical. I wasn't having it. I just laid there and I could tell he wasn't happy. I can't keep following the same path anymore. It has to change with or without him. I deserve better as do our kids.

Heartbroken303 the reason I've done these things is accountability and trust building. Yes he could do all those things you mentioned but with me seeing all the finances it would be hard for him to buy a burner phone. Plus he has nowhere to hide the phone except his company car since he doesn't have an office and his work locations are so spread out. I'll start checking the car. I just need him to face it. He's delusional. It's going to take kicking him put for the sh!t to totally hit the fan. When I took the kids and left for a few days before New Year's it hurt him. And that's with me letting him see the kids and us meeting to talk. Sigh... I don't think he'll ever wake up so I'm stuck in this nightmare.

cbrum84 posted 1/15/2014 07:59 AM

I am only 3 days into this, but someone here told me (and he was a man) that it is better to let the other person set the boundaries. As crazy as that may be I kind of agree. you cant change someone unless they are willing to change. So maybe try that. It is really hard, but maybe if he sees you backing off, he will be more responsive. I know that sounds so stupid when I say (type) it. Everyone reacts differently, with me I am just trying not to push it under the rug, but to get back some sort of normalsy in my life.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/15/2014 07:59 AM

Sigh... I don't think he'll ever wake up so I'm stuck in this nightmare.

No you're not. Unless you're chained to the floor, you're not stuck. There's always a way to get to a better place if you want it bad enough.

I should know - I've done it more than once.

Good luck to you.

shatteredapart posted 1/15/2014 08:27 AM

This morning he had to do some running around before work. When he came back he approached me and gave me a hug. He said he was trying to move forward but couldn't if I wasn't in it too. How funny. I said it's hard to try when all you do is fight me and don't apologize. He said he thought he did when he said earlier...we needed to ride the wave. I said that's not an apology. He then said he was sorry for how he acted that he should've handled it differently. It was wrong. He did say he's not sorry for how he feels (about being treated like a child) though. He doesn't have to like it I told him. I wouldn't like it either. But if you're going to be accountable then you need to follow through. Then I don't need to follow up and we can try to progress. Unfortunately I know this will happen again so now I'm not all in and waiting for the shoe to drop again.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 8:29 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

iamsoblind42 posted 1/15/2014 10:52 AM

No you're not. Unless you're chained to the floor, you're not stuck. There's always a way to get to a better place if you want it bad enough.

NeverAgain2013, you are so right! Today is only day 5 for me but I made my WH move out on day 2. I am getting stronger and realizing it would be better to be single than to be with a man like that.

I have 2 beautiful kids and it breaks my heart to see them hurting but we will all get through this.

shatteredapart, suggest you pull his credit report today. I am going to pull my WH's as well. Keep me posted. Prayers of strength coming your way!

PRNDL posted 1/15/2014 11:15 AM

Im so sorry you are here. Im so sorry you are hurting. You are still fresh to this and your WH is still in the fog.

Please implement the 180D on him. Its more for you. It will get you out of this horrible limbo state by either pushing him away into her arms, or it will defog him.

Do not sit there like a puppy waiting on him to choose you. Read through all the "just found out" threads. WS all do the same things and say the same things as if from a common script. Its rediculous what we put ip with.

Read through the healing library, and 180D him.

Good luck to you

PRNDL posted 1/15/2014 11:19 AM

In case you need a time frame, in my case, 9 months from D-day and my WW just now is starting to defog. Thats only now after I left her ass and moved out. Even then she still blame shifts.

Its too late now. I gave here 7 months to R with me, but she kept fucking him. Even during false R.

Trust absolutly nothing he says. Look after yourself. Eat plenty and sleep plenty.

We are here for you.

heartbroken303 posted 1/15/2014 15:53 PM

He's delusional.

shatteredapart,
I've said that to my WS many times. Sometimes all I can do is laugh at the WS at how pathetic they've let themselves get. They're the talk of the town. "Ladies, don't leave your husbands alone in a room with my wife for even 5 minutes!"

I'm happy that you can watch the finances and what he's up to. Good job! I do keep somewhat of an eye on my WS, but it's more stealthily. I want her guard down as much as possible.

shatteredapart posted 1/16/2014 12:29 PM

We had a long phone conversation yesterday while he was working. It seems the only time I can really talk to him (on the phone while he's working, normally during commute). I was going over old phone records at the time.

<Discovery> On Sunday he finally allowed me access again. Ironic that this was something he was going to give me after our first (of only 2) counseling session and I said no. Why did I say no...because MC said I got to choose 2 trust things for him to commit to and if he didn't agree we would discuss it and I would choose something else. I chose password/access to his phone and access to his company car. He granted me access to car but I never really got it and denied the phone. He offered the bill up and I figured no because if he was offering it then he was still using phone card or something. I discovered I can access old bills. Something I wish I had known in September when i had access. Before digging into that I tracked our current (active billing cycle) bill that shows lots of 999999 (blocked/unavailable) numbers. No wonder he suddenly didn't want me to see the bill. I'm not stupid. They didn't stop calls after Dday2...but obviously I knew that with dday3. I then discovered that the old billing statements show where all calls originated from. Bingo. He was still meeting her almost every Monday and an occasional 2nd day during the week. He has no work locations in that area an hour from our home. That's where they were meeting before...Discovered by bank statements (met up with her and bought her lunch once or twice a week) I also discovered a 999999 call the Tuesday following my first dday. So she he broke off contact that Friday via text and she contacted him that Tuesday. If he had just hung up maybe we wouldn't be here now. After the 2nd is when the 99999 numbers started showing up. I'm not telling him I discovered any of this. I'm going to sit on it and wait. It sucks though that I can't access where the calls originate from until after that month's statement has been processed. I was going to block unavailable numbers on his phone but then that'll put them on alert. <<end discovery>>

Possible good news...He seemed to seriously hear me this time. I'm crying, freaking out and everything on the phone. Sobbing my heart out. He doesn't know what it stems from (Phone records) but it's obvious I've lost it and I'm close to done. This is what he going to do...These things came out of my melt down. Things he heard and addressed. He's committed to me that he will allow me to talk about this daily. We will set aside up to an hour a day (less only if I want) until I don't need it anymore. He will try harder not to say "I don't know" (he has always been bad with dates and details) and figure out the answers to my questions. We will re-visit I don't knows until I'm ok with the answers. He will control his voice, negative actions and filter what he says (eliminate negative, hurtful and unnecessary things). He will start being active in the running of our household. He won't argue about me seeing money, receipts and phone. He will finish reading "How to Help my Spouse Heal from my Affair" (he's almost done...I think he's missing the BS points...ugh) and we will discuss it. We will continue on to other books and discuss weekly.

On his drive home he called me back and let me talk and talk (that was our hour this time). He then came home and without me asking and no complaints handed me his receipts and showed me the cash he had leftover. He hugged me tight. He followed through looking into an issue I had with the dryer (avoided this for a week). We had a good family evening and he held me tight all night.

Question I have...I'm not buying into it all. Only long term actions will tell. Him not fighting what he's offered up will show true colors. He hates having little privacy but that's his fault. I guess what I'd like to know from SI veterans is it common to have 2 or 3 ddays due to WS not bring able to commit to NC? It's truly an addiction and I said as much to him. He just can't stop reconnecting. Trouble is they work together. She mentored him after one of his locations opened. It grew from there. They only have to see each other at quarterly meetings. I told him if they need to communicate I'd like as much as possible done through work email and he is to show me. Any calls must be quick and professional. If she asks about us he is to say it's none of her business and steer the conversation back to work. If she turns it personal in anyway not to answer and either steer it back to work or hang up. And of course show me. Last time he was suppose to show me any calls and he said she never called. That's what set off my radar among other things. So...now its wait and see.

[This message edited by shatteredapart at 3:39 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

TheWrongedMan posted 1/17/2014 00:42 AM

Hi,

Though our circumstances are different in ways (as are everyone's) I wanted to say that the name of your thread really resonated with me.

To use a bad metaphor (and I seem to have been using and hearing a lot of those recently), I feel like I'm trapped and there are two exits in front of me, but both are blocked. I have to decide which one to take, but the effort required to remove the obstacles is going to be really hard work and painful either way.

I know that doesn't solve anything, but I feel the same hopelessness as you do. Sometimes it's almost like one of us wants the other to end it for them to get the whole thing over with, but neither of us can do it.

[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 12:45 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

shatteredapart posted 1/17/2014 14:13 PM

Thewrongedman sorry your here and feeling the same. I just a roller coaster of emotions most days. Some days I have hope others I don't. It's so hard for me because he's claimed to cut off contact twice now only to discover it never truly ended. And I keep hearing, "It's really done. I haven't had any contact with her". Unfortunately he doesn't get that I heard this line off and on from Dday #1 in Sept to Dday #3 in Dec. I can't remotely trust what he says. I'll start to possibly trust a little the first time he admits one of them had to email or call the other about something work related. He denied the whole 4 months he ever talked to her which I knew was bull. So time and constant investigating and followup will tell.

tushnurse posted 1/17/2014 14:40 PM

Shattered - your story resonates with me. I had a very similar rough start to R. He kept breaking NC, it was like and addiction, or not being able to break a bad habit.

Read my profile, you may see what I did right, and what I didn't do right that got us through it.

Eventually we found our way out. But it did take me being done for that to happen.

Demand the respect you deserve. If he truly loves you he will work his ass off to make it happen.

(((and strength))))

sudra posted 1/17/2014 14:52 PM

MC said I got to choose 2 trust things for him to commit to and if he didn't agree we would discuss it and I would choose something else. I chose password/access to his phone and access to his company car.

You need a new MC. You should have access to anything and everything. Privacy and secrecy are two totally different things. Privacy is closing the bathroom door when you go. Secrecy is hiding your cell phone and financial records and passwords.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

shatteredapart posted 1/17/2014 15:07 PM

tushnurse thank you for your response. It really helps to hear from someone who's been through something similar. I'm going to go read your profile. I took the kids and left for a few days on the last Dday but we kept in touch and met a few times to talk. That die wake him up some but not enough. Our conversation Wednesday seemed to help some too but he backslides because he hates giving up his "freedom/privacy" and he hates me talking about it every day. Yes, every day throughout the day. I think I have to set up a time and just talk about it then. I think he can't handle thus and everything going on at his job. He does need some mental break and I don't give him much space. I've almost left and told him to leave several times in the last few weeks. And you're right...I think it may come to that for everything to come to a head so we can finally address everything and move through it. He just wants to pack it up and put it away like it never happened. Avoidance is making it worse. I asked him last night why he continued contact with her after he swore it was done. I said he continuously lied to my face. All he could say was he didn't know. He didn't think about it. That hurt and angered me. I kept saying...I told him of I found put they were in touch that it would shatter me and I may not survive. I told him it would do devastating, possibly permanent damage to our marriage. Yet he blocked that out and continued. It still passes me off and makes me want to cracked him over the head with a frying pan. Good thing for him that I won't.