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datura222 posted 1/14/2014 22:46 PM

I gave my WH a list of 4 "deal breakers". If any one of these were to occur, I would file for D.

1. No lies of any sort. No secrets of any kind
2. No sexual contact with another woman other than myself; no emotional relationship with another woman either
3. No porn (he had a ONS with a hooker)
4. Do not ever put your mother's feelings/needs over my own (he is a mother-enmenshed man)

Dday was 7 months ago. I found him in one lie by omission. When I found out he had slept with a prostitute, I slapped him across the face. It was a backhanded slap, and my knuckles got him good on the nose, which bled. He went to the doctors about this and never told me. His excuse was because he thought I would think he would use it against me if we were to D (which I did think actually)...not my finest moment I will admit

Then a month ago, I asked him a question about a scenario to which he admitted happened the week after dday. It was something uncomfortable for him to talk about regarding his past and some sexual activity that he and another boy engaged in when he was 6 years old. He admitted that this act had occurred near dday, but when I asked him another question about it, he actually looked me in the eye and completely denied that anything had happened and that he didn't know what I was talking about.

I called him on this...and said, "well either you were lying that it happened the first time you told me, or you are lying now and it DID happen...which one is it??"...he again admitted that it did happen.

I questioned him about this, as there are questions of whether or not he is a sex addict, and sex addicts usually have childhood sexual abuse, or some sort of severe abuse be it physical or verbal...I guess I was pathologizing him, he admitted he was uncomfortable talking about it, and that is why he lied.

BUT, lying is a dealbreaker to me. I told him I would divorce him over any of the above 4 items.

Now he is minimizing it, saying he cannot believe I would file over something like this.

I am going crazy here....I cannot believe this is my life :(

devasted30 posted 1/15/2014 04:14 AM

Why do they not get it. It is the lies that ruin the marriage. The lies to the BS and the lies they tell themselves. Why can they not just "man up" and tell the truth. The truth is so easy. You never have to think before formulating an answer. It's already there. It is the TRUTH!!!!!

cl131716 posted 1/15/2014 07:10 AM

I think because it's uncomfortable to tell the truth when you have lied for so long. Many times they lie to themselves especially about things like sexual abuse. As an adult that was sexually abused as a child I understand this. If your WH is a sex addict then chances are he is filled with a lot of shame. He has to become fully honest with himself before he can become fully honest with you.

I'm in a similar situation with my WH. I know there was sexual abuse but I don't bring it up unless he wants to talk about it. I also expect a lot of truths to come out as he gets treatment. My deal with him is as long as he is open and honest I will not use anything he tells me against him. I want him to feel comfortable telling the truth. I haven't made lying a deal breaker yet because I believe we aren't in the place where he is being 100% honest with himself yet. I think we are getting there but it takes time. This may sound strange but I think most people lie to protect themselves and often others so they best thing to do is make the liar feel safe when it comes to telling the truth. Maybe take away the consequences for lying and explain that you know how hard it may be to be honest but when he's ready you are there to listen. Of course this goes more for things in the past. Lying about where he was last night when he saw another OW would be unacceptable.