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One long trigger

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lucy17 posted 1/14/2014 23:14 PM

Ever since AP showed up to social event she had agreed not to go, was there with the friends H and I were supposed to hang out with, and wouldn't leave when I asked her to...I am struggling--giving her too much real estate in my head. I am bitter, angry, obsessive. I want to tell these friends all the horrible things she's done. I want to tell them I had originally defended her, and then even after finding about A had thought she was a good person who made a bad mistake (like I think of my husband)...then I found out otherwise. I have no respect for her, so why am I obsessing? Right after this event H, little girl, and I went on a 2-week vacation. H didn't want to talk about A after I asked twice, saying, "I would rather wait until we get home. Unless you have something you have to tell me." I should have said YES! I have all of THIS to tell you. We ended up not talking about my feelings for 3 weeks---too long, especially after a painful event like that. Now my feelings are all bottled up and hard to talk about. What is the point of going through the pain of reconciliation if I have to go through this alone? I need to get her out of my head--she doesn't deserve the space.

Trying2Survive1 posted 1/14/2014 23:30 PM

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I need to get her out of my head--she doesn't deserve the space.

My DDay was just a couple of days before yours and I have the same thoughts! Feeling that I could not discuss it would have set me back tremendously and I haven't even had to face the OW...I would imagine that being incredibly traumatic.

You should not feel you are alone during this. Have you discussed it since returning from your trip?

lucy17 posted 1/14/2014 23:56 PM

Yes. We talked last Friday (exactly 3 weeks). It was such a relief, just letting some of that go instead of holding it in. We talked and cried for 3 hours. I feel like I am still experiencing some regression however. I was getting so much better. The good days were increasing in number, and now.... Still, I look back to where I was personally in July and August and there is growth (a lot of growth). I need to find a strategy to get past this set-back before I go crazy. Really, I should feel sorry for her. She lives at home with her parents, her family walks on egg-shells around her or avoids her, her 5-year old daughter cries when it's the weekend and "mommy's days", she's divorced in September, she's dating a player who also lives at home with his mom, she's not a nice person. Aaaag! Time for me to move on from giving her these extra thoughts.
Just recently, as in last week, I separated myself from anyone associated with her including e-mailing her sister (my friend for 4-years)and telling her I needed time away and asked her to hold space for me. I don't want to know any more about AP. All of it is bad and it makes me crazy.

Trying2Survive1 posted 1/15/2014 01:55 AM

It's a crazy time honey...hang on!For me...still a roller-coaster, just a bit less intense ( very little )and it is so hard to not give her space (it got boring) yuk

sisoon posted 1/15/2014 09:54 AM

Be gentle with yourself. Maybe for you obsessing about ow is a stage you need to go through. If so, the thing to do is to let yourself obsess a bit. Maybe tell yourself, 'I know she's not the problem, but I'm going to think about her a bit, and then the true problem will reveal itself, and I'll attend to that.'

Or maybe, 'I'm in a lot of pain over ow. I'm just going to let myself feel it and let it go.'

Yeah, I think self-talk is like magic. If you don't, forget I wrote this.

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