It's as though I don't have a right to share any of my thoughts or opinions. The minute I do, I'm shot down for being negative and instantly dismissed. I don't feel heard or valued, I never have. Admittedly, we are under a lot of strain right now as his brother has just undergone surgery for Cancer and is still in ICU. My H has practically stopped work right now to care for his brother and has even slept at the hospital for 4 nights following the surgery.
My H wants a wife who will not say much and just be positive all the time. A wife who will walk around all smiles, each day, every day and never discuss anything negative. As some of you may know, my H is a rugsweeper and any hint of discomfort, he'd rather sweep away. We still don't speak of the A and as far as my H is concerned, it never happened.
Everytime I bring up the topic of a separation, in his usual style, he dismisses me or just ignores me. He doesn't take me seriously and never has.
I'm really having a tough time right now. I know a lot of advice will be to just be supportive right now and keep proving myself etc, but I do this, I do this on a daily basis. He's not a teamplayer and has very little to do with me and my life. He throws money at most problems as long as he doesn't have to get involved and when he does get involved it's like he's doing me a favour.
I know I'm not stupid. I know I have rights. I know that a separation won't solve things necessarily but I'm just tired and so alone. He's bringing nothing to the table for me, or that's at least how I feel.
There is no togetherness. I feel so sad.
Just a thought, it sounds like he may have known about your affair a lot longer then you think.
I get the sense that you feel he doesn't love you because he isn't raging about the A.
Warning: if you leave or suggest a seperation it maybe the end for good. Be sure its what you want.
Keep focusing on you. You mentioned in your profile you overreact and are aggressive and shouty. (Paraphrasing, posting from phone). Do you still do this? Maybe not all the time. My WH hates repetition especially when he knows he is wrong. He gets defensive and loud to shut down the conversation. And inevitably he shuts down all conversation. It's hard to share. Even if you have it in check most of the time, it takes time to undo the damage.
You are coming up on 1 year. Patience. Anger didn't really set in until year 2. I was too busy year 1 living in fear that OW would return and he would restart the A.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." Ernie Banks
By him not talking about the A, is counterproductive to R. How can we move on if he won't discuss such a trauma in our M? Even our MC hasn't brought it up despite me mentioning it in one of our sessions. It's like every one wants me to forget about it and move on but I can't.
I want him to take me seriously. I want him to listen to what my needs are. He's not telling me what his needs are, only to not talk about or discuss anything negative.. how is that even possible? How can you live life only focussing on the positives. At some point, people have to address issues no??
If our son was being bullied at school, his reaction would be to say, well at least the bullies didn't break any bones.. it could've been worse.. look at the bright side...aaaagggggghhhhhhhh
I agree that its hard to R if you don't discuss the A and from what you have said, he has never discussed it with you.
As a WW it is your responsibility to fix the damage your A caused....we all know that the A was our own bad choices...but a marriage needs to be bw both of you....each needs to give and take and work together. It doesn't sound like he is meeting your needs.
Well, so be it.. rather that, than living life with no connection or emotional intimacy.
I've been patient with him. I've tried to be as positive as I can BUT there's a limit. I cannot bury my head in the sand like he does.
I wish I could articulate better how I'm feeling and what's going on but it's so hard to express in words.
I know many women stay married for financial reasons as they are financially dependent on their husbands. I'm one of those women. I know many women who stay married for security reasons and for the kids. I'm one of those women too. BUT, sometimes, it all just gets TOO much and I feel suffocated, never really at peace.
He hates me but can't say it. He's trying not to hate me but it's obvious.
I get what others are saying but there is something many waywards here forget as well. You can walk away too. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage perhaps your A was an unhealthy way to admit thag to yourself. I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship and figure out what is really going on with you. Is it a dip, is it how you truly feel, are you seeing more then what is going on? Someone has already said it, asking for separation and going through with it is pretty final, there is rarely any going back after that...
He's as good as said that if he allows himself to absorb what I've done then that will be the end of our M.
Will S help YOU move forward? Don't S if you are doing it because you think it will wake up your BH. That isn't the point, although it may force him to deal with those feelings. The point is will it help you to heal and keep moving forward. Not a decision to make lightly but it is a decision you are entitled to make if you choose. Just my 2 cents, I wish you and your BH the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:44 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
Also, a P/A spouse manipulates their partner to express anger on their behalf. The spouses often end up feeling like they are the awful shouty ones in their relationship, that it's all their fault. (Well they do choose to react, but don't often realise they're being manipulated too)
None of that would excuse your A, but it might explain the dynamics of your relationship pre-A and why your BS is reacting the way he is.
Of course I might be barking up completely the wrong tree, so feel free to ignore.
Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him
It's very hard living with someone who doesn't see you as a priority.
But more than anything, it's the lack of togetherness that affects me. Like 2yrsblind said.. it's two different relationships. I'm tired of living alone like this and I keep thinking I'm already alone so what difference would it make to formalise it?
I just want some peace and not constant turmoil.
I hear you. I didn't care if my husband left on DDay. Half of me wanted him to. We seriously talked separation and in the end he couldn't go through with it.
I have a young child so that factors a lot in my decision. I read something that resonated with me the other day...It said you are ready to walk away from a marriage when you are okay with going to your child's graduation or soccer game or wedding and you are fine that you don't have your spouses hand to hold and share the memory with. I think about that on my tough days.
Married 8 years.
DDay: March 2012
I feel like unless I take a pro-active stance it could quite happily go on like this for years and years.