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I have "her" number

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cbrum84 posted 1/15/2014 07:38 AM

Mt Dday was only 3 days ago. He was honest with me and told me everything that happened, but that doesnt make it better. I told him I wanted her number. At first he did not want to give it to me because he said it would only cause more hurt. No sexual relationship happened, only text. And when I say that I am not trying to make light of what he did. He knew the line was crossed for me. But he gave me her number last night, and now I dont know what to do. I want to make her feel the pain that I feel. I want her to know that she did not break me. Is that wrong? But a part of me just wanted to know that he would give me her number. I want to call her or text her because he doesnt want me to...but I dont want to because I dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how empty I feel.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/15/2014 07:52 AM

cbrum, if you're hoping she'll maybe tell you something more than he has admitted to, the chances are slim to none. It's a pretty sure bet that he's already warned her about giving you her number and has probably asked her to keep her mouth shut and not say anything if you contact her. That's pretty much a given.

Does the OW have a boyfriend? Significant other? Husband? If so, he needs to be told. It's the right thing to do but more importantly, the more light you shine on a cockroach, the more it scurries away. That usually keeps the affair partner away when their spouse is also keeping an eye on them.

spond posted 1/15/2014 07:57 AM

My WW claimed there was nothing more then texting/EA for 3 months. Then I keep looking and discovered more. She finally came clean about everything, which included meeting the AP at a hotel 6 times(which ended 3 months ago), when part of the truth came out.

If you gut is telling you there is more... there probably is. Don't fall for the lies. They ALWAYS LIE and LIE more to protect themselves. Get phone records and texting records. Look for things that don't look right. Make him be 100% open and transparent... all passwords.. all access to everything... NO EXCEPTIONS!!!

spond posted 1/15/2014 08:00 AM

NeverAgain2013, I love that line.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.


cbrum84 posted 1/15/2014 08:10 AM

I have all his passwords and records...that is what gets me. We have never had a trust issue. I have had those from the time he got his phone, his email or whatever, and he has mine. We have always been open and honest with each other. She does not have a significant other, but she does have an ex husband, and from what she has texted she is scared that he will hurt her if he finds out she was texting. Everything he has told me so far has been the truth. Her messages to him were disgusting. Some were just daily hellos, but others were not. His return text to her were short, usually a hi, or a response to some of her questions. He did admit that his was sexually attracted to her, but promises that it did not go that far. I know it sounds crazy because I am on here asking what to do, but not all cases the person is lieing. OR am I just in denial? Is it possible that he is telling the truth?

RealityStinks posted 1/15/2014 08:11 AM

cbrum84 -
I have the OM's number too. I've had it since I discovered the texts and phone calls in August last year. I've wanted to call, but I have not.

Calling the OW won't do any good. If you have to "run her off" to keep your husband, you don't need your husband. That's how I feel about my WW.

While the OW definitely lacks some morals, she didn't cheat on you, your WH did. She didn't make a vow to you, your WH did.

I'll also caution you on what others have eluded to. My WW swore to me on the Bible (if you knew her, that would mean a lot more) that it was just texting and they were "just friends". Enter November, and I find out she's been to one of his properties 1-2 a week since July culminating in an afternoon/evening at an Inn. Where there's smoke, there's fire. I'm not saying your WH is not telling you the truth, but if I were you I would take everything he says and verify for yourself.

Hang in there. Time helps.

cbrum84 posted 1/15/2014 08:15 AM

Then am I just stupid for wanting to believe him. Everyone says find the do you do that when the only people who know is my husband and her? The truth is I will never know the "Truth".

confused615 posted 1/15/2014 08:17 AM

OW is his coworker and they were sexting each other. The chances that nothing physical happens between two people sending texts like these, when they are in close proximity of each other is very slim. Please get tested for STD's and insist he do the same. You say you trust him. But you shouldn't. Cheaters lie. And he cheated. He gets credit for confessing..but even those who confess usually don't confess everything off the bat. Im sorry, Im not trying to be harsh at all. I am worried about you..and you must protect yourself. STD testing is a good start.

OW's SO needs to be told. He deserves to know what has happened in his relationship. And, since OW still works with your WH, the more people who know about this, the better. Affairs thrive in secrecy.

You say you have access to all of his accounts. Does this include work email/phone?

Please take care of yourself. Right now, nothing he says matters. Watch his actions.

How do you find the truth? Put a keylogger on the computer and spyware on his phone. Don't tell him. If he contacts her, you will know. Put a VAR in his car and make sure they're not meeting on break in his car. Also, if he has another cell that you don't know about, the VAR will let you know. And you can tell him he has to take a polygraph. This is very common. If he says no..he is hiding something. If he says yes..follow through. Even if he admits to something else before the test.

And no, you are NOT stupid. You are a wife who has been traumatized by her WH's affair. Of course you want to believe him..he is your husband and,as you said, you have always had a relationship where there is trust. it is your instinct to want to believe him. The thing is, he has changed the dynamics of your marriage. He has shown you he is capable of deception, and abusing your trust.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:22 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

sparkle09 posted 1/15/2014 08:47 AM

We were in the same situation until a week ago and I wore down my husband until he confessed to sleeping with the OW. I believed mine to at first but a women's intuition is never wrong. I knew. In my heart there was more.

KatieG posted 1/15/2014 09:14 AM

I would call her, and I only say that because I did. And when I did it helped me see her as human and I stopped imagining so much.

You may not know all the facts yet, so maybe hold off. But I think I would call and say something like, "He's just told me everything that happened, I wanted to hear your side". Key word is 'just' so she can forget any story they may have come up with together.

I agree with the others, this early there may be more to come.

spond posted 1/15/2014 09:22 AM

Inspect all credit cards and bank cards...

Look for the loadable credit cards as well. If you find one, typically you can go online and look at the history as well.

Look for anything suspicious. Does he work travel? Is there a chance that she went as well?

cbrum84 posted 1/15/2014 09:55 AM

OK thats the thing...I have the credit cards all in my name..he has reloadable in the wallet nothing! Our bank account says nothing. But sadly I just tried to buy some spyware so maybe I will give it a little while and see. I feel so horrible for doing that. I feel no better than him.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 09:56 AM

Yeah this is a tough one. I would join the club in thinking there might be more. My ex was very tight lipped and made light of my discoveries. The fact that he is/was emotionally "stunted" showed through in his communications. Could be your husband is the same way. I don't know. Just trust your gut.

confused615 posted 1/15/2014 09:59 AM

It's very common for the OW to buy their OM a phone to use so they can take it underground.

Im sorry you feel bad about the spyware. None of us like living like this. But none of us were given a choice. You are taking steps to protect yourself.

Kitty70 posted 1/15/2014 09:59 AM

Oh and I had several of the numbers too. I only called one of them once. She put my fears to rest and said I had nothing to worry about. She acknowledged my man sent her a couple of weird emails (I knew which ones she was talking about). It helped but I don't know. I've also come across one woman who claimed she was dating my boyfriend, in person, and she was kinda nasty to me. You just don't know who you'll get.

I know how tempting it is...

million tears posted 1/15/2014 10:12 AM

Don't assume you know everything just because he says so. Maybe he has told you everything. Chances are he hasn't.

My WH insisted he was only texting. This went on for 6 months until I tricked him into admitting it was a PA.

spond posted 1/15/2014 10:13 AM

Did you inspect his bookbag/briefcase for cards as well?

Look in his vehicle as well... for a phone, credit card, etc. that you don't know about.

A voice activated recorded in his vehicle is a good way of seeing if he is having convo's with a AP.

cbrum84 posted 1/15/2014 10:32 AM

If I want to move past this how can I keep telling him he is a liar. Doesnt there come to a point where you agree to disagree

PurpleLilac posted 1/15/2014 10:38 AM

There isn't a rush to make a decision today as to his truth. Of course you can, if all you want is to move past this.

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 12:27 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

confused615 posted 1/15/2014 10:45 AM

You don't move past this. You work through it. This is a process.Moving past it, without doing the hard work involved to repair the damage WH has caused, is rugsweeping. And rugsweeping almost guarantees another dday.

I know we all sound terribly negative. Im sorry for that. But you have a WH who was sexting a that he works with every day. WHY were they sexing? How did it start? There had to be some lead up to the sexting. Flirting? What kind? Did they take breaks together at work? Usually when there is sexting involved and both people are in close proximity, the sexting happens because something sexual happened first.

I know it may not seem that way, but we are all trying to support YOU and give you the best advice we can.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:46 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

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