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At MC last night, she told us that her clients that worked through affairs seem to have much happier marriages than before the affair.

It makes sense to me because it's really brought forward a lot of things we've needed to work through and has been sort of an awakening as to the importance of it all. I'm definitely optimistic that if we get past this we will have a much more fulfilling marriage.

Do you see yourself being happier on the other side of it?

My hope is for a happier and more authentic marriage once my wife and I have worked through things. We are slowly getting there.

The way I see it is that affairs were designed to end marriages, and in many cases they do exactly that. If it doesn't end the marriage, it takes a tremendous amount of work for a couple to reconcile after infidelity has taken place. Work on the part of the BS, and work on the part of the WS. And work with each other, with lots of love, support, and communication through the roller coaster of emotions that takes place through this years long process.

For a couple to not only survive infidelity, but to work through one of their biggest and most painful obstacles, and at the same time to support and to love each other... I think you can come out of the other end in a happier and more fulfilling marriage. Not because of the affair, but in spite of the affair. The 'because' is because of the work the couple is willing to do on themselves and with each other.

I look at couples on this site like Deeply Scared and MangledHeart, or WH5 and BrokenRoad (as just a couple of examples), as inspiration and hope for exactly what your MC is talking about.

Best of luck to you, and here's to hope!

BH here.

Yes I can see a future where I am happier. Your definition of happiness needs to be modified at times to get there, but happiness is a relative term.

For a lot of BH I have talked with it serves most best to create their own individual identity within the M. Essentially being part of the M because they want to as it enhances their life, but not because they have to due to fear, external validation or insecurity.

Key for me was transferring ownership of another's actions completely to them. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do that caused it. It was their choice and their consequences. I cannot control them except to decide how much influence I give other people (even people close to me) over my life. I had to become comfortable with the fact that my M is optional in my future. It always was, but I refused to admit that truth to myself. I have things that I need from the M. I have to be aware enough to ask for them and strong enough to question my M validity if the M cannot provide them. Looking to the future helps. My gift of R to my W showed her how committed I am and how much I love her. She has a much harder time showing that as she just can't simply say it any longer if she wants me to believe it. The loss of trust drives this most often for me.

I used to be a M individual. Now I am an Individual that happens to be M. I am not discounting my M, but unless the M is made up of two solid individuals it will not be as great as it could be.

FWIW- Tread carefully with your BH on M issues at this early stage of the game. Anything that is brought up is likely going to be perceived as justifications or blame shifting. My guess is he is not strong enough right now to handle this and most of the emotions related take awhile to sink in. Chances are there are things that he needs in the M that were not A related too. He just doesn't have the ability yet to discuss this as the A is requiring too much head space.

Shock-Denial-Anger-Depression not always in that order have to be addressed and processed before acceptance. Acceptance is key to forgiveness. He says he forgives you, but I would bet my last dollar he does not understand yet what he is forgiving.

His anger toward AP is protecting the love he feels for you right now. His anger is misplaced. It won't get processed until he focus towards the two of you. AP did not make any commitments to him. It may take a little while (months) before he sees that clearly. You can help by not playing a victim in your choices.

Best of luck in your journey. Counseling is one of the best tools to navigate this mess.

This is a wonderful question and I wanted to offer a newbie POV. Just after DDay I worked up with my priest the words to properly describe what I had done. This was a horrible and painful session but needed as the first step on my remorseful journey.

The words started "I have destroyed the marriage that used to be. It is gone forever and impossible to retrieve."

I carry these words with me as a reminder of what I've done to both of us BUT in our MC session last week, the therapist brought up that these words might not be all bad.

Her point to my wife and I was that the marriage we had wasn't so great after all, and IF we want it (we're nowhere near that stage), the process to R can result in a stronger union.

Powerful thoughts from some of the worst words I have ever written in my life. And I know my wife and I know myself...if we choose to R, we will be stronger that ever before.

No stop sign, so...

I'm a BS, and I've heard these words before. They make me cringe. Are some aspects of our marriage better? Sure. Would I go through this pain again? No, I wouldn't.

Please understand, I'm only adding my comments in the hopes to help some of the WSs understand - as a BS, the A is not a good thing. Good things don't come from it. We view the things that improve as things that could have improved anyway, without the pain, if other efforts were made.

I know you are looking for any sign of hope, and I applaud you for making such an effort, I truly do. I think you'll be ok in the end because you are remorseful, and you want to heal.

But please don't only look forward to the 'better' marriage, because the earthquake it took to get there, if it happens, was not, to at least one party, worth it - at least that's my experience and that of many others as well.

Here is the problem - if the WS seems too happy about the 'new, better' marriage, then there is a possibility to the BS - probably unfounded, but it's there - that the WS walks away rewarded with a 'better' marriage. It's a very painful thought for a BS, or at least for many.

again, I applaud your efforts and I think you are really working hard to figure this out and help your H heal. I just wanted to caution against discussing any 'silver lining' because for almost all BSs, there isn't one. It's a touchy subject for a great many BSs.

I really wish you luck, and look forward to seeing your progress :)

I hope I haven't offended you. I certainly did not mean to if I did.

((((hugs))))

I think we will be happier on the other side of it, but only because we are working so hard on our marriage. H took a sledgehammer to a marriage that he could have approached far more delicately. We could have put in a fraction of the effort before the affair and gotten a similar result.

But, I guess I am a bit of a fatalist. There is no way to undo it, the cow is out of the barn so to speak, so I will do the best with what I have.

I echo Painful's comments and want to add that MC have to frame things in such a way to motivate you, to lessen the WS's guilt, to make the BS see the silver lining in all of the wreckage. I feel like it's another way the WS gets to rationalize what happened. "We would not be in this wonderful place in our marriage if this hadn't happened." I'm sorry, but that is honestly how I feel. WS don't get to take credit for getting to a better place when WS damn well could have arrived there without the collateral damage in the first place if WS would have put the work in at the front end.

Yes, our marriage is better in the context of, as Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." And obviously, it's better to KNOW than not know that something is terribly wrong.

But I would not recommend the path taken to get there. The damage is far reaching. No one deserves what BSs go through. Yes I will be stronger and wiser for this…but I have paid a steep price and so have my children and family and friends because they had to witness and live the devastation. I am forever changed. I am now an absent minded person - my mind is always in a million other places yet thinking of nothing in particular. I forget things constantly - where my kids are supposed to be at what time, etc. I was not like this before. I am NUMB in many respects. Yes, I am getting a little better as time goes on but what I have been through is a trauma. I will never be able to forget what has happened. I will never be able to completely get rid of the empty feeling I have had from being in a lonely marriage even before the affair started because my husband did not want to acknowledge his role in the marriage.

Honestly, if someone today were to tell me I must choose - stay or go - I would pick go. Because what I feel, what I know, what I've been through is NO way to live life even if it's "better" on the other side.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 3:12 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Those are important comments from the BS here. From my state of despair, I can only assure you that I'm not trying to put a silver lining on the A or somehow celebrate the devastation I caused.

This is more about trying to find a doorway out of hell and looking in every corner I can for hope.

From my state of despair, I can only assure you that I''m not trying to put a silver lining on the A or somehow celebrate the devastation I caused.
This is more about trying to find a doorway out of hell and looking in every corner I can for hope.

It is easy to perceive it differently but I feel I know what you mean.
We find our way out of the darkness in our live by focusing intently upon the light. We focus upon it until in our eyes it is the very sun itself. It may be a small light, a candle in the darkness, but it is like the sun because even the smallest hope can yield the biggest change.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 2:33 AM, January 16th, 2014 (Thursday)]