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A little afraid to read "Not Just Friends"

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heartbroken2012 posted 1/15/2014 09:31 AM

I was thinking of starting to read "Not Just Friends" and I am a little nervous. There was another post about this book and some of the responses were that it made the BS trigger during the first part of the book. I know other people on here (BS and WS alike) have suggested this book for me. My WH will NOT read this book, he isnt open to reading anything.

I am TRYING to heal myself, and Im afraid, without my WH reading it with me and supporting me, it would cause more harm than help.

Bikingguy posted 1/15/2014 09:41 AM

Well of course it is going to make you trigger. WW's A was with a coworker - like many, and the book talks about the whole process from the start of a "friendly" relationship and how it evolves. It was very hard to read at the start. I have read several A books and most are hard at first while discussing the A. But this like most eventually get to steps on how to work through it. I really think this book should be required reading for every married couple. Hell I am a BS, however am guilty of crossing some boundaries with our M that I didn't ever realize. I spend money without telling WW, I have written things online (this site does not count ) that I would be embarrassed if she read. Your spouse needs to read this also.

Tred posted 1/15/2014 09:45 AM

My only perspective was that there was a lot of good information in there - that I would of loved to have had before my wife had her A. It was very triggery for me, but I read it just a few weeks after DDay. I would recommend you and your H reading it. If your H isn't open to reading it, what is his plan?

WhatsRight posted 1/15/2014 09:52 AM

I have wanted to read it - but since my husband's infidelity was with a prostitute - it doesn't seem to fit my situation.

Sorry if this is a t/j - but is there a book equally helpful that does not necessarily focus on overstepping boundaries with someone you know?

heartbroken2012 posted 1/15/2014 09:59 AM

Tred- my Wh's plan is to rugsweep. He thinks SI is stupid, he wont agree to MC, and he wont agree to read anything.

He has changed work areas, multiple times to avoid the OW. He has maintained NC, gives me complete transparency, claims to have indifference to OW. But he will not seek his WHY, and claims it will never happen again.

I still bring things up, and recently when I asked tons of more questions he answered them Sometimes I get defensiveness other times not.

Ascendant posted 1/15/2014 10:02 AM

I agree with what Tred said. I think that it would have ridiculously helpful BEFORE the affair. A lot of good, practical advice on boundaries and all that jazz.

Tred posted 1/15/2014 10:06 AM

If your H plans on rugsweeping, I would advise you to change your name to heartbroken201X, because it's probably going to happen again down the line. You just don't know when. I'd hate to live like that.

seenow posted 1/15/2014 10:14 AM

I am reading it a second time. The first was within 2 months of Dday and my WH was not in the house so it was basically for me. It helped with a lot of understanding. Yep, triggered but I got through it and out the other side and it did help me.

The second time is with WH and other parts are resonating with me and him. Different triggers now but I feel when something is upsetting you need to inspect it.

Lovedyoumore posted 1/15/2014 10:38 AM

Regarding NJF...

Although I cried all the way through it, it helped me understand what the IC had told my H about the progression of the slippery slope. Literally, my H was textbook. While maddening and frustrating to me when I read how easy it is to move from friends to lovers, it helped show me the A was not really all that special or unique in its characteristics.

The book helped my H see how stupid he had been believing it was special and he and OW were not forging some unknown territory together. Their special love was really quite common. Most importantly the book showed him boundaries that are necessary for the rest of his life. Not just until we are R, for the rest of his life. Reading the scenarios helped him see that each stage of their special friendship had consequences that contributed to moving on to the next stage.

I do not know if you can reach a potential cheater before the A. I wish all of the studying and reading would keep marriages on the fidelity track. Over the years we did Love Languages, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage etc. Obviously neither worked for us. I do know this is a good book for both WS and BS after an A, especially if you can sit and discuss it.

sisoon posted 1/15/2014 13:45 PM

It's a tough read. I skimmed it at the late, lamented Borders a couple of times. I still haven't been able to really read it.

You really need to keep telling yourself this, though:

You heal yourself. You can't heal your M without your WS's help, but you certainly can recover from being betrayed yourself.

I urge you:

Don't let your H's holding himself back from healing hold you back from healing.

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