I am TRYING to heal myself, and Im afraid, without my WH reading it with me and supporting me, it would cause more harm than help.
Sorry if this is a t/j - but is there a book equally helpful that does not necessarily focus on overstepping boundaries with someone you know?
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
He has changed work areas, multiple times to avoid the OW. He has maintained NC, gives me complete transparency, claims to have indifference to OW. But he will not seek his WHY, and claims it will never happen again.
I still bring things up, and recently when I asked tons of more questions he answered them Sometimes I get defensiveness other times not.
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."
The second time is with WH and other parts are resonating with me and him. Different triggers now but I feel when something is upsetting you need to inspect it.
Although I cried all the way through it, it helped me understand what the IC had told my H about the progression of the slippery slope. Literally, my H was textbook. While maddening and frustrating to me when I read how easy it is to move from friends to lovers, it helped show me the A was not really all that special or unique in its characteristics.
The book helped my H see how stupid he had been believing it was special and he and OW were not forging some unknown territory together. Their special love was really quite common. Most importantly the book showed him boundaries that are necessary for the rest of his life. Not just until we are R, for the rest of his life. Reading the scenarios helped him see that each stage of their special friendship had consequences that contributed to moving on to the next stage.
I do not know if you can reach a potential cheater before the A. I wish all of the studying and reading would keep marriages on the fidelity track. Over the years we did Love Languages, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage etc. Obviously neither worked for us. I do know this is a good book for both WS and BS after an A, especially if you can sit and discuss it.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
You really need to keep telling yourself this, though:
You heal yourself. You can't heal your M without your WS's help, but you certainly can recover from being betrayed yourself.
I urge you:
Don't let your H's holding himself back from healing hold you back from healing.