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Prayingforhope posted 1/15/2014 10:21 AM

I was in a LTA from Jan ’08 until Oct. ’13 that I’m not even sure I wanted to be in. It was on and off over 6 years and was outside the city I live in. In the early days it was “something I deserved” because how hard I worked and later it just became “better than being alone on the road” – whatever it took to justify it to myself.

I’ve been married to my wife for 14 years and we’ve been together for 18 years – almost half my life. Never once in that time, even more today, did I ever consider leaving her. She is such a deep part of who I am – she is in my soul – that I can’t imagine not being married to her. It never occurred to me that I would act in a way to hurt her.

And yet here I am. I’ve lost my wife, I no longer live in the same home as my children, and I’m lost in an emotional roller-coaster as I try to figure out: who the hell I am? How and why I did this? And if there is any chance of saving my marriage and my children’s’ future?

And so I am doing the work. And it’s hard, and it hurts and it upsets me, but it is my only path forward because I NEED TO UNDERSTAND why I sacrificed EVERYTHING that was important to me. I love my wife, I love my family but I still destroyed everything in a blink for an OW that I didn’t care for.

Job 1 – Protect my wife. Everything she has asked for I have done. I moved out, changed phones, turned over the pc, email accounts, put a GPS tracker on myself, gave her the finances, ended the enabling friendships, am quitting my job and have had NC with the OW. I did a timeline, I answered every horrific question with equally horrific answers, I took beatings and I listened to her cry (before we separated). I’m learning to be a partner – doing the shopping, chores, taking care of the kids on the weekend, cooking for them, caring for them (haircuts, clothes shopping, etc.). I set up a “to-do” list in the kitchen so my wife know if she needs something done, its gets done.

Job 2 – Sort out myself. Answering the question “why?” is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even harder for me personally as I know how deeply I care for my wife and how little I cared for the OW. I’m in IC and spend time every week with my minister. The combination of them are powerful – one very pragmatic and the other very emotional. We’re talking and digging and it’s not fun. I don’t WANT to go back to my childhood. I don’t WANT to talk about how useless my parents were. I don’t WANT to FEEL IT and in saying that I’m starting to realize I’ve been running away from emotions and intimacy for a very long time. My A was one more way for me to run…away from my life…away from my wife…away from feeling anything. I could say I’m committed to continuing IC despite the pain, but the reality is I’m in SO MUCH PAIN from watching my A destroy my family, that the IC is my only hope at staying sane. What comes out the other side will be a better man, of that I have no doubt. If there is anyone waiting for me when I get there is unfortunately out of my hands.

This is my story 3 months after DDay and where it goes from here is anyone’s guess…

flayed posted 1/15/2014 12:46 PM

BS here.

I am praying for you and your wife to R and be a family once more in time. I have been following your posts because your DDay was the day before ours, you are similar ages, have been together a similar length of time and have several children like we do.

We had a great marriage leading up to the A (my husband agrees) and so we struggle with the same question you asked:

I NEED TO UNDERSTAND why I sacrificed EVERYTHING that was important to me. I love my wife, I love my family but I still destroyed everything in a blink for an OW that I didn’t care for.

I don't have any advice to offer you other than don't give up. Know that there are others out there pulling for the two of you.

May God help us and guide us all on this tough road to R.

Prayingforhope posted 1/15/2014 15:06 PM

Thanks for your comments flayed. Every bit of good wishes helps.

We had a great marriage leading up to the A

Your words struck me because we were the same way. The people that know about my A (my wife's closet friend, my brother in law) said things "you guys were the LAST couple I thought this would happen to. You had such a strong marriage..."

It's true BTW and the worst part is those comments hurt my wife even more. Somehow the fact that our relationship was strong makes my lies even worse for her. It's so painful to go through this and watch her (when I could) suffer.

When I'm down I try to remember that "things you focus on grow". I read that earlier today and really liked it...what I am focusing on now is my wife, my kids and our family and hoping there is another chance to grow.

confused43 posted 1/15/2014 15:25 PM

So sorry Praying....I think somehow this other world is created and we allow ourselves to enter into it as an escape. I am still uncovering the reasons I cheated. I know my surface reasons but trying to get to the "real" reasons is much harder.

Like you and your wife people would be shocked that know us to even hear that I had cheated on my husband. Just not something that would ever cross anyone's mind. We seem happy, act happy, very involved with kids, school, sports etc. We were actually pretty happy but we became almost partners in a business of marriage. We get along great but just lost that deep intimacy. I think many people that are in affairs would say the same thing about their marriage. It looked and felt great but yet we still found a reason to stray.

My hope for both of us is that we can look back a year or two from now and know that our marriage is stronger than it would have been without the affair. Sometimes bad things draw people in closer. You never know though and that is the risk we took when we strayed.

Even though I'm a WS I feel for the pain that your wife has. I know I would have a hard time accepting these details as well. I have a lot of details to go through with my husband here soon and am scared to death because I know I couldn't deal with it yet I lived it and am now going to give it to him to absorb. Seems so cruel. Just hoping that in the end we can find a more secure fulfilling marriage for us.

I am a big believer in things happen for a reason. As hard as it is right now just keep hope that there will be a reason for the pain and while it might take a long time that you will find peace in the outcome. At least that's what I try to tell myself but I'm a mess too : (

scream posted 1/15/2014 15:28 PM

Hey. I know your story. And I understand your feeling. And you have had some very good posts for me. I want to say something that will help and make things better for all of us. Wish that were possible. SI is here and it does help. Take what you need and leave the rest. Grab onto your kids. They are yours always. What are conversations like when you and your wife are together? Are you able to spend time together just the 2 of you?