Not really sure what I hope to accomplish with this post, I just need to vent I guess.
Since dday 5/26/13 I have definitely gone through a roller coaster of emotions. I definitely didn't think I'd be ok by now (nor did my WH) but I wasn't expecting to feel worse as time went on. I am back to having that "pit" in my stomach and I can't focus on anything for more than 5 minutes without the thoughts intruding.
PA season started 12/27 and 1/12 was the "anniversary" of the 2nd time they had sex (at her house). Since Sunday I have been a mess. I cannot stop thinking about it. When I say it, I mean EVERYTHING. The majority of my day is spent thinking about one aspect of the A or another; whether it's the sex, the EA/sexting they did before, that they thought they were in love, WH's lack of effort in digging into his own issues, or just the OW in general.
Today I woke up composing letters to OW in my head. They aren't really mean/nasty but I am filled with so much rage for her. WH still works with her and we didn't out the A to her BBF because I was honestly afraid of what she would do. I don't care about myself, I'm a big girl and can handle it but we can't afford for WH to lose his job and I don't want to bring crazy down on my family. I still find myself stalking her FB page (I blocked her private page but she has a public "photography" page I can't block) and her website because I feel the need to check up on her in order to feel "safe". Every now and then she posts some shit that I know is a passive-agressive stab at me or WH and it just fuels the rage. You see, she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She actually threatened me not to contact her after I texted her (very politely) to tell her what I thought of what her and WH did.
Anyway, this part is getting long. We know WH needs a new job but it isn't happening yet and I HAVE no idea how to get to a place where I don't want to destroy her for her part in what they did and resent her for not having any real consequences for her actions other then losing her BFF (WH).
I'm also feeling much worse about the nature of the betrayal. It sets in more every day how little my WH thought of me or what his actions would do to me. We were going through IVF and had multiple miscarriages when the EA/sexting was going on. It's like he didn't see me as a person at all! DS was only 7 months old when the PA started. He said he had started pulling away in Sep when he was feeling overwhelmed, neglected and disconnected from me. Then in Nov he realized he had "feelings" for OW and it's like all thoughts of me vanished. I became a complete non-entity.
I recently posted about asking more details, but really want I want is a better picture of what he was thinking, where his mind was and how he thinks he got to be the type of person who could do something so horrible.
If you've read this far God bless you...I'm a jumbled mess. I probably should have journaled this but figured I'd post here. I'm so overwhelmed right now and am not sure how to get myself out of it. My heart is just completely broken.
[This message edited by AML04 at 7:58 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]
It is a horrible betrayal. You do need to know how he got there. Feeling neglected and disconnected isn't enough of a "why", IMO--why didn't he come to you!
I know that I started feeling better after my H wrote a pages long letter of his whys, 6 months into R. It didn't fix everything obviously, but I started to have some peace.
He's still in IC
Hugs to you.
Everything you are thinking/feeling are, in my experience, part of the process.
PA season started 12/27 and 1/16 was the "anniversary" of the 2nd time they had sex (at her house)
Well, no wonder you are a mess right now. It's "normal" to feel like you are better and than to trigger for awhile during or because of different "reminders" and dates like the above.
I had to continue to ask my H for details and explanations for quite awhile. And he would do his best to explain his thought process at the time of the A...as crazy as it was...over and over again. The story never really changed but I will tell you that his eyes were "opened" and the fog cleared with each re-telling.
Then in Nov he realized he had "feelings" for OW and it's like all thoughts of me vanished. I became a complete non-entity.
This is all a lot of nonsense, and when your H realizes this and expresses that to you, it will help you heal. A's are nothing but ego boosters to the selfish people involved in them. They have nothing to do with real "feelings" for the OP.
Yes, I believe you and I became "non-entities" and the way my H explains that is to say that it was the only way he could "justify" in his head what he was doing at the time of the A. He had to make me the "bad" guy and then not even think of me to carry out this disgusting behavior.
And I will also tell you that it was after 14 months that my H REALLY stopped justifying his actions, faced them, and firmly committed himself in our M and our R'ing.
And when that happened I was able to slowly start to let go of the anger.
But it is a long process and even I, at 20 months, am still dealing with triggers, anger etc...But I am dealing with them in a much better state of mind than I was at 8 months from dday..where you are right now. It's still pretty fresh for you, Dear.
I wish you strength and your H clarity.
PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!
DDay 4-25-12 Reconciling
This is key, in my opinion. My H read the book Sexual Detours, which started him on the path to his "why." He also listened to my repeated questions of "what were you thinking?" and tried to answer what he was feeling and thinking as accurately and honestly as possible. It took him a couple of months, and a lot of soul searching, but he wrote me a letter that gave me a pretty good picture into what he was thinking at the time, what his motivations were, and what sense he has made of it. It is quite a letter -- painful to read, but full of honesty and remorse.
So, you have a right to know how he got there, and IMHO he has an obligation to figure that out for you as best as he can; IC can help with that as well. For me, it was the only way I could start to trust my H again; to see that he is giving maximum effort to not going "back there" again. Ever.
Keep the faith - I haven't hit A-season yet. . . not looking forward to it.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:54 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
Catlover-we are both in IC but not MC yet. We had one early on in the process but she wasn't very good. We do have one in mind but we're waiting for our insurance to go through.
I think him taking the time to sit down, think and write about it would do me a world of good. At least I would feel he was making the effort to dig into his issues. He does know this is a problem I have and has the best intentions; I just have yet to see a lot of action.
Searching-thank you for making me feel normal. He does understand now that his "feelings" weren't real I think it's more that I have a hard time understanding how we thought they were real in the first place. Part of it was probably to justify the fact that he wanted to have sex with her :( it just seems so easy for him to bring it to the PA/luuuurve level without a thought given to me.
How does someone actually get past a betrayal like this? Right now it feels like I will always hurt and always have pain about it. It does give me hope that so many people on these boards have successfully reconciled. I love my husband very much and I want this to work more than anything in the world.
I really wasn't prepared for how hard PA season would be. I mean I knew it would be bad but this is crazy. Hopefully your H will do whatever he can to support you through it. I know I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in April.
