Some of you are so much further down the R path and have done so much work on your marriages I'm hoping I could get some insight. Something WH and I are finally trying to work on (with our MC) is "dealing" with his family, basically. I think because of the betrayal, false R, etc. it's like I've lost my sense of what I am right to be angry about, what I'm not right to be angry about - my perspective, I guess, I don't trust my own perspective anymore, and need guidance.
In many ways, I think WH fits the description of the "Mother Enmeshed Man" though not in the traditional sense where he worships his mother and thinks everything she does is right. Far from it. But he's 38 years old and seems controlled, far too much, by his mothers emotions. And because of that, more often than not, he resents her, all the while trying to please and appease her. I guess that's probably the best way to sum it up. His mom is a master manipulator - guilt being her most powerful weapon.
Rather than trying to give examples of all of the ways we struggle with this, here is the most recent situation where I struggle. Where I don't know if I am in the right or wrong to have an issue with this.
His sister is 33 and single. His parents live within a couple of hours from her, but in the winter they live in Florida and are nowhere near her. When the winter comes, they've come to kind of expect WH to take over for them, in regards to her (we still live several hour away from her, not like we're in the same town either). Without fail, every winter, she has at least one crisis or disaster befall her, almost always her own fault, getting fired from a job, being arrested for drunk driving, and the never ending breakups with boyfriends. In the meantime she also has at least one but usually several bouts of "depression." I put that in quotes because really, 90% of the time she gets dumped, arrested, or fired and declares herself "depressed" and goes to the doctor for antidepressants. WH and I really don't believe she has clinical depression - it's just her way of coping with sadness and it brings her lots of attention from her parents and WH.
I can't take this anymore. She's 33. It is a huge disruption to our lives. We have two small children, jobs, WH has health issues, and now dealing with betrayal. It's the same story every time. MIL sends all kinds of emails to WH telling him how depressed his sister is and he should really talk to her, have her come stay with us, and so on. And WH obliges. Doesn't sound like the worst thing, right? It's his sister.
This same sister patted WH on the back last year when he told her he was cheating on me after 18 years of marriage. She said she just wanted him to be happy, and then went on to befriend OW. WH and I never had a problem in our marriage, I was home with a newborn and a toddler, I had always been gracious with SIL. This was yet another incredible betrayal I had to swallow. MIL knows this went down and still is pressuring WH to be supporting SIL this winter, because yet again, she got dumped and she's depressed. WH explained to MIL that we need time right now as a couple, as this is the first antiversary of A season and I'm struggling. Her response is that she supports us and we can arrange to have his sister over next week. (because we all know I'll be all set by next week, right?!) SIL is also aware that this is a sensitive time for us but it's not stopping her from calling and emailing talking about how sad she is that her boyfriend of 4 months dumped her. They both just think about themselves, right?
Everything, for the past 18 years, has felt like it's been about them. Visits are a nightmare of this guilt/pressure thing, if he doesn't abide by MIL's plans then it's silent treatment until he caves. He hates it, he sees it, but he doesn't know how to break it without causing world war III. And he knows he can't change her, but wants a relationship with her, wants her to be able to be a grandmother to our sons. And because I have been cornered into this, and felt like my own needs have been trampled by their little triangle, I'm having a hard time deciphering if my own demands are reasonable or if I'm just trying to "control" WH and the situation. I feel like I'm babbling, but if anyone can make any sense of this, please share your insight.