"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ShatteredHeart13 posted 1/15/2014 15:57 PM

I met him in 1998...we were together 4 years... We split up.. I know for me I needed to grow up and figure out what I really wanted in my life, for myself.. took 8 years.. I was getting ready to leave Alska when he found me.. fate! Right? April 2009.. He told me he never wanted to lose me that being given a second chance at this he would follow me to the ends of the earth...June 11, 2011 we were finally married...both of us having been divorced over 15 years, decided to marry.. Discussing that after 2 years we'd move to the lower 48 to be closer to our children and grandchildren.. He's 44, I'm 45.. I felt confident, alive, in love, trusting, and absolutely beautiful. After many long nights of crying and heated discussions, we finally decided...well, I decided, he grudgingly agreed, that it was time to move. I was tired of being cold and so far away from my kids... The winter last year lasted 9 months... long enough for a pregnancy, some would say..last summer was beautiful..I packed up all our belongings...he worked, I resigned..my son flew to town to help me drive out..he stayed..said he needed to close his business and pay some bills and.... we talked, not as often as we should have maybe, but we talked..he always seemed busy..and I took that for granted and just kept myself busy.. feeling the space and miles between..I started calling more, as did he and yet the distance... He said he was coming in October..I had left in July..I had rented us a place, found a job, and was on the 'right track' of getting us situated, our agreement, when all of a sudden I didn't hear from him.. always busy, always working... It was a couple of weeks..I finally demanded he and I call more..He called mid October and said he doubted he was going to make it, maybe over the holidays... I called and texted..and heard nothing from him..My fault, I shouldn't have left..I ruined our marriage because I wanted to be closer to our kids..grandson..and soon to be grand daughter...we were in touch through Nov 2 and then nothing...nada...then all of a sudden he was calling me, sounding desperate, scared, full of love and yet I felt hiding something.. I let it go.. I hadn't been there and well.. my mind could play tricks on me. He loved me and there was no way in HELL he would ever cheat on me..we waited for soo long. December 14th I received a gift in the mail, a coin... a celebration for something huge for me...Dec 18th I celebrated 5 years clean.. Such a miracle and such a wonderful feeling.. December 19th that evening my world crashed...my heart shattered into a million little pieces..I can remember feeling the blood rush to my face, hearing the blood in my ears, my hands shaking and this cold feeling coming over me..I felt dead...I felt like a part of me died..as he told me this I thought.. this happens to others, 'not me'.. well, not true..I am not special or unique... A man whom I trusted... whom I gave my heart that nobody else could ever have..never have I looked at another since he and I married..Never have I had wayward thoughts of another.. I was all about him...towards the end of his tearful admittance of infidelity he shared with me that she is also pregnant! Can things get any worse? Oh..it means unsafe sex with a girl whom has slept with multiple others..they didnt' discuss std's..nothing . No thought of us..me..our marriage..just his need... Living in a pretend world playing house because I wasn't there, this 25 year old made herself available and he took it.. he made a conscious decision..
My world has been torn apart.. a cheating husband, loss of a job - marry Christmas to me(yes, lost it the next day..)
He flew here to see me... spent 12 days.. it was weird.. I hated him, I loved him, I forgave him, but I didn't forgive him of his misdeads, only for myself..I needed to say the words.. I thought it would help..that was on the day he was flying back to Alaska. Before he left we took a trip to see his kids.. our granddaughter had been born around the time of his infidelity..ironic...as I watched him pick this baby up, I couldn't be happy for him as a grandpa because all I could do was fast forward to the month of August, when he becomes a daddy to a baby that will be born when his grand daughter is 9 months old.
I soo want to work things out with him, but I can't trust him, or believe.. he says he's going to make the move here .. leave Alaska, but I don't think he will. Yet he promised me.. I've become obsessed with what he says to me or what he does on Face book... I demanded access to be able to see his site when ever I chose.. a step in the 'trust' direction right? No... it doesn't help..doesn't work.. You know, I made him tell me everything.. my mind was already there..why not? I feel soo ugly and ashamed and inadequate.. I feel empty, lost, alone and totally dead...paralyzed. Watching and hearing others go through their WS cheating, I couldn't imagine going through it and thought, "if that ever happened to me, I'll leave" And now that I am in that position, I cry every nite not knowing what to do...not knowing what I want to do.. the week he got here my cat died.. My life truly sucks! I want to run away! ha! but I have no job or income, no money... or I think I would have been.. So now I am thinking of moving back to Alaska..the great outdoors..blah,, blah, blah.. to save our marriage, or to at least see if we can..All of our stuff is still there..never had the money to ship our packed boxes.. just me, catless and a car.. My life is depressing.. I feel like I've typed too much.. probably.. sorry. This seems to have helped stall the tears for a moment..
I am at a loss and I don't know in what direction I can go.. I have no money or medical so I can't afford counseling.. I guess I am looking for something from here..not sure what. I need help because I am afraid I am going to lose my mind..I haven't used.. and suicides out..I just hate feeling the feelings of uncertainty.. I have no answers and I don't know how to fix this.. Please someone, help me..

PurpleLilac posted 1/15/2014 16:37 PM

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 12:25 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

ShatteredHeart13 posted 1/15/2014 18:08 PM

He flew here for the new year saying he wants to reconcile. Says he is not seeing her but Anchorage is a small town, and we would run into her eventually. He says he would be willing to move here although it may take months.. It may be easier for me to move back. . although it seems I'm the one always compromising. I may have to set my ego aside and just go..make him pay for my ticket back. His plans are vague.. I don't know what rules to set down or questions to ask.. Boundaries to set? I can only take him at his word, which doesn't say much right now.

tushnurse posted 1/15/2014 19:41 PM

He is not sorry for anything. You need to assume that he is a list cause and move forward from that standpoint.
I understand that you are in pain and life is difficult right now however you would be guaranteeing a life of misery if you go rushin back to him.

You need to protect yourself. You need to take control of this situation and make some demands. He joins you, he leaves ow, he gives you 100% transparency, he makes you his priority. Should he balk at this in any way shape or form go to an attorney and file.

You are bein abused, and at 43 it's time to take control and get some joy out of life. Contact your kids continue your sobriety and take control of the things you can. You. Your life and your happiness are all in your control.

((( and strength)))

ShatteredHeart13 posted 1/16/2014 13:13 PM

Wow... I thought I'd get better support on here... Thanks anyways.. if the only thing I'm being told is "he's a lost cause" then what? I asked a question... or stated I was willing to go back to alaska because none of my stuff is here.. I wouldn't be living with him right away.. being closer to at least put an EFFORT in the marriage that shows I am willing, to be closer so that I CAN set boundaries .. I need to see if he is willing.. financially we are not able to do a lot because of the first move.. but to put it off as a "Lost cause?" Guess I'll go find a counselor who is better equipped to tell me. I appreciate the 180 and will use it and a few of the other items I found in the healing library.. thanks..... :-(

MovingUpward posted 1/16/2014 13:51 PM

(((hugs)))

I know that this situation has been gut wrenching for you.

I feel soo ugly and ashamed and inadequate.. I feel empty, lost, alone and totally dead...paralyzed.

The first thing that you need to accept is that is choice to stray falls in his inadequacy and not yours. Please don't internalize it. I know that it is so easy to do that.

I couldn't imagine going through it and thought, "if that ever happened to me, I'll leave"

I said that same thing too, but when it was my turn to deal with it I changed my mind.

I have no money or medical so I can't afford counseling

Do you belong to a church? You might find resources there to help you. Please read up on depression and check yourself against it. Don't let it rise up and consume you.

At moment things are still very fresh and highly emotional. This is quite normal and you must know that it takes time and effort to sort through this.

Please keep reading and posting. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum where you might find some targeted advice about OC (other children, ie child of the affair). The folks that do post in there might have some better targeted advice for you.

nowiknow23 posted 1/16/2014 14:14 PM

Shattered heart - Welcome to SI. I'm sorry for all you are going through. ((((hugs))))

The pain is evident in your posts. So much on your plate right now between your H, your new granchild, the loss of your cat and your job... It can all seem so very overwhelming. And yet you are maintaining your sobriety in the face of all that stress and unwelcome change, and reaching out for help. All that speaks volumes about your strength and resiliency.

There's no doubt that the pregnancy complicates things exponentially. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for betrayed spouses who are faced with an OC (other child = child conceived from infidelity). The community on that thread has walked that path, some while reconciling with their spouses and others while divorcing. Regardless of where you want to head with your marriage, they will understand and help you find your way through that particular piece of the puzzle.

I hope you will continue to post and read here. There are so many people eager to help you. You may not always get an answer or advice that you like, but you will always get it from people who sincerely care and want to share their perspectives. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

((((shatteredheart))))

BrooklynLove posted 1/16/2014 14:15 PM

Shattered,

If you feel in your heart that moving back will help save your marriage then get on the next plane. I would be there like yesterday. Please don't tell him you are coming just show up there. Going there might even get you closure as he might even be living with her and know you would never know. This is gonna sound harsh but by you going back up to Alaska she might even get an abortion because now she can't have him. She probably got pregnant to keep him so you showing up might screw her plans up. I would go unannounced and make sure all our electronic devices are not pointing your location so when he doesn't hear from you he doesn't figure out you are on your way to Alaksa. I'm wishing you the best of luck.

Tred posted 1/16/2014 19:22 PM

Shattered,

Hope you are still reading - please don't go away. Every now and then we get advice we don't like. It happens - and it is a bit harder when you are still so raw. No matter the delivery though, the intent is always in your best interests from their experience. A lot of BTDT on this site (BTDT = Been There Done That ). Some people on here are really scary. Sometimes they are really accurate. Nothing is 100% though, and every opinion is based on the information you provide, and how it relates to their experience. It's all good . Stick around - you'll be glad you did. I am. It saved my marriage.

ShatteredHeart13 posted 1/19/2014 22:21 PM

Thank you for those of you whom have helped me. I have been reading up on all the information posted. Its definitely obvious that no one has the answer but me. Today I know I have boundaries.. Today I choose to live for me.. I have talked with my kids and support group and they support my decision to go back Alaska to at least see if he's willing to try.. I plan on talking with an attorney to find out what our options are pertaining to this baby conceived.. I have a lot to think about, and WE have a lot to discuss.. We will be getting counseling and I will be getting some IC.. I do not know what the future holds, but today I know that I am done crying... It's been one month to the day today since finding out/being told...whatever... Definitely A Heart Crushing Day.. I have been moving around more and getting out more. Getting ready to take a long drive from here in Missouri to California.. Stopping along the way..to visit family and to do some soul searching.. I will be getting some much needed hugs from mom and spending a couple of weeks with her before flying to the great AK. Thanks again. I will be checking in as often as I can.. Hugs all..

MovingUpward posted 1/20/2014 07:43 AM

(((hugs))) back

Please keep us updated.

nowiknow23 posted 1/20/2014 08:46 AM

((((ShatteredHeart)))) It's so good to see you back and to read your update.

Today I know I have boundaries.. Today I choose to live for me.

I see a lot of strength in your words and your plans. You are right - you are the only one who can decide your path. Please be safe on your trip. We're all pulling for you.

Tred posted 1/20/2014 08:48 AM

Good luck Shattered. Please chime in from time to time to let us know how things are going.