I met him in 1998...we were together 4 years... We split up.. I know for me I needed to grow up and figure out what I really wanted in my life, for myself.. took 8 years.. I was getting ready to leave Alska when he found me.. fate! Right? April 2009.. He told me he never wanted to lose me that being given a second chance at this he would follow me to the ends of the earth...June 11, 2011 we were finally married...both of us having been divorced over 15 years, decided to marry.. Discussing that after 2 years we'd move to the lower 48 to be closer to our children and grandchildren.. He's 44, I'm 45.. I felt confident, alive, in love, trusting, and absolutely beautiful. After many long nights of crying and heated discussions, we finally decided...well, I decided, he grudgingly agreed, that it was time to move. I was tired of being cold and so far away from my kids... The winter last year lasted 9 months... long enough for a pregnancy, some would say..last summer was beautiful..I packed up all our belongings...he worked, I resigned..my son flew to town to help me drive out..he stayed..said he needed to close his business and pay some bills and.... we talked, not as often as we should have maybe, but we talked..he always seemed busy..and I took that for granted and just kept myself busy.. feeling the space and miles between..I started calling more, as did he and yet the distance... He said he was coming in October..I had left in July..I had rented us a place, found a job, and was on the 'right track' of getting us situated, our agreement, when all of a sudden I didn't hear from him.. always busy, always working... It was a couple of weeks..I finally demanded he and I call more..He called mid October and said he doubted he was going to make it, maybe over the holidays... I called and texted..and heard nothing from him..My fault, I shouldn't have left..I ruined our marriage because I wanted to be closer to our kids..grandson..and soon to be grand daughter...we were in touch through Nov 2 and then nothing...nada...then all of a sudden he was calling me, sounding desperate, scared, full of love and yet I felt hiding something.. I let it go.. I hadn't been there and well.. my mind could play tricks on me. He loved me and there was no way in HELL he would ever cheat on me..we waited for soo long. December 14th I received a gift in the mail, a coin... a celebration for something huge for me...Dec 18th I celebrated 5 years clean.. Such a miracle and such a wonderful feeling.. December 19th that evening my world crashed...my heart shattered into a million little pieces..I can remember feeling the blood rush to my face, hearing the blood in my ears, my hands shaking and this cold feeling coming over me..I felt dead...I felt like a part of me died..as he told me this I thought.. this happens to others, 'not me'.. well, not true..I am not special or unique... A man whom I trusted... whom I gave my heart that nobody else could ever have..never have I looked at another since he and I married..Never have I had wayward thoughts of another.. I was all about him...towards the end of his tearful admittance of infidelity he shared with me that she is also pregnant! Can things get any worse? Oh..it means unsafe sex with a girl whom has slept with multiple others..they didnt' discuss std's..nothing . No thought of us..me..our marriage..just his need... Living in a pretend world playing house because I wasn't there, this 25 year old made herself available and he took it.. he made a conscious decision..
My world has been torn apart.. a cheating husband, loss of a job - marry Christmas to me(yes, lost it the next day..)
He flew here to see me... spent 12 days.. it was weird.. I hated him, I loved him, I forgave him, but I didn't forgive him of his misdeads, only for myself..I needed to say the words.. I thought it would help..that was on the day he was flying back to Alaska. Before he left we took a trip to see his kids.. our granddaughter had been born around the time of his infidelity..ironic...as I watched him pick this baby up, I couldn't be happy for him as a grandpa because all I could do was fast forward to the month of August, when he becomes a daddy to a baby that will be born when his grand daughter is 9 months old.
I soo want to work things out with him, but I can't trust him, or believe.. he says he's going to make the move here .. leave Alaska, but I don't think he will. Yet he promised me.. I've become obsessed with what he says to me or what he does on Face book... I demanded access to be able to see his site when ever I chose.. a step in the 'trust' direction right? No... it doesn't help..doesn't work.. You know, I made him tell me everything.. my mind was already there..why not? I feel soo ugly and ashamed and inadequate.. I feel empty, lost, alone and totally dead...paralyzed. Watching and hearing others go through their WS cheating, I couldn't imagine going through it and thought, "if that ever happened to me, I'll leave" And now that I am in that position, I cry every nite not knowing what to do...not knowing what I want to do.. the week he got here my cat died.. My life truly sucks! I want to run away! ha! but I have no job or income, no money... or I think I would have been.. So now I am thinking of moving back to Alaska..the great outdoors..blah,, blah, blah.. to save our marriage, or to at least see if we can..All of our stuff is still there..never had the money to ship our packed boxes.. just me, catless and a car.. My life is depressing.. I feel like I've typed too much.. probably.. sorry. This seems to have helped stall the tears for a moment..
I am at a loss and I don't know in what direction I can go.. I have no money or medical so I can't afford counseling.. I guess I am looking for something from here..not sure what. I need help because I am afraid I am going to lose my mind..I haven't used.. and suicides out..I just hate feeling the feelings of uncertainty.. I have no answers and I don't know how to fix this.. Please someone, help me..