However, since then I feel as though he has pulled away even more and now we are barely speaking. I am out of town for a conference this week. I couldn't get out of going, it was prepaid and I work in nonprofit. My H felt that I would actually be a really good thing for us to be apart and have time to "get used to being alone" if that's the way this goes. He had not agreed to consider R or MC and says he may not get there.
Since I've been out of town (I left on Monday), we haven't spoken on the phone. I've texted him a few times, but I get a response several hours later, often after midnight. I continue to try to text him, just to let him know I'm safe, back in my room, good morning/night, even if he doesn't respond. I told him he could call me last night if he wanted but I didn't want to bother him if he still wanted distance. He never called and only texted me a pic of our pet late last night (I always tell him to give him a kiss for me).
The thing is, I felt better when I was blaming him for part of the marital problems that helped lead to my A. Now I'm facing the thought of losing my H, my life, my home and extended family all because of my actions and choices. I know, I know...that's part of it. Actions have consequences, you reap what you sow, I made my bed and now....etc. But now I feel like I can't breath! I'm having extremely dark thoughts and feel like I would rather just die today than have to live like this or worse, without the love of my life. How can I go on knowing that ruined it all!? I know I need to see an IC, but I even have a problem with that bc my H brought up the fact that 1) he doesn't really believe in IC/MC and 2) we're going to spend money to fix something that should have never been broken to begin with.
I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. And I have no Idea where to turn. I'm out of town and alone, trying to fake my way through a conference. And back home my life is ripped to shreds. And with every word I type or speak about this, all I can hear is myself saying "and you did this" or "and it's your fault" after every sentence.
Let your BS process what you shared. He may be taking a step back, taking a moment to breathe without having to face his biggest trigger (you). Even if he doesn't want to talk now, he did take a moment to text you something that was important to you. That in its self is a gesture of kindness.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
The thing is, I felt better when I was blaming him for part of the marital problems that helped lead to my A.
I know I need to see an IC, but I even have a problem with that bc my H brought up the fact that 1) he doesn't really believe in IC/MC and 2) we're going to spend money to fix something that should have never been broken to begin with.
He doesn't really believe in IC/MC
Marriage counseling is so tricky because couples usually wait until they have serious problems... and it is sometimes just not possible to reconcile enough of them to call it a success. If marriage counseling doesn't always result in the couple becoming harmonious, it might be hard to "believe in" marriage counseling.
But in individual counseling is fundamentally different, because it aims to help one person figure out what he or she wants, and how to change his/her life to head in that direction. I'm a big "believer", because it really was essential for me. (I'm the wandering spouse, by the way.)
I don't mean to disparage or discourage marriage counseling. I am suggesting that maybe you can make some headway with your husband for him to consider individual counseling if you "concede" that this is not the right time to consider marriage counseling for you as a couple.
Here's wishing you calm so you can get some rest. You won't be able to make any headway at all if you are exhausted and beating yourself up indefinitely.
So nothing you didn't know, but I just wanted say keep it up, you are growing.
I had a very good conversation this evening with a dear friend I used to work with who lives close to where I'm visiting right now. I needed that higher level of thinking and self awareness perspective to help me breath some right now. I don't want to sound selfish here. I know that my H is not off having the time of his life, loving the fact that his W cheated on him and now he gets some hall pass. He's hurting and trying to heal. For me, when I'm alone with my thoughts, that's what hurts me the most in terms of feeling lost and hopeless. I've scarred this person I love most in the world...deeply...forever. Hard pill. If I lose him...it'll be due to my actions. Again, gulp.
Isadora, thank you. I'm hoping that that is what he's doing. Taking a breather. I just hope that whenever that is over, he still wants to be with me and work on us.
Brandon808, I did go through IC about 8 years ago, for nearly 3 yrs. It was very helpful and all I can say is that I wish I had done that kind of independent work on myself years ago. And probably wouldn't be on here if I had. I'm trying to see how things go when I get home.
And then DanteJace, maybe he'll want to do MC or just be ok with me doing IC. I really do believe that we have a lot of issues that we need to discuss in the presence of a neutral third party. Slater13 thank you for taking the time to read my story. So as you know, my H has been unfaithful at times, no actual sex, but sexual and emotional. So if our discussion escalates, we can both get mad and defensive and start pointing fingers.
Thank you all, again. I'm feeling a little better. Just trying to find patience and compassion and breath. :)