Last weekend I had several really deep realizations about my A and my true role in it, my active choice to react to problems in my marriage by having an A and the ramifications of that decision. I spoke to my H and he really appreciated my honest evaluation and I admitted that I had placed the primary blame on him and apologized sincerely. Again, he was really appreciative.
However, since then I feel as though he has pulled away even more and now we are barely speaking. I am out of town for a conference this week. I couldn't get out of going, it was prepaid and I work in nonprofit. My H felt that I would actually be a really good thing for us to be apart and have time to "get used to being alone" if that's the way this goes. He had not agreed to consider R or MC and says he may not get there.
Since I've been out of town (I left on Monday), we haven't spoken on the phone. I've texted him a few times, but I get a response several hours later, often after midnight. I continue to try to text him, just to let him know I'm safe, back in my room, good morning/night, even if he doesn't respond. I told him he could call me last night if he wanted but I didn't want to bother him if he still wanted distance. He never called and only texted me a pic of our pet late last night (I always tell him to give him a kiss for me).
The thing is, I felt better when I was blaming him for part of the marital problems that helped lead to my A. Now I'm facing the thought of losing my H, my life, my home and extended family all because of my actions and choices. I know, I know...that's part of it. Actions have consequences, you reap what you sow, I made my bed and now....etc. But now I feel like I can't breath! I'm having extremely dark thoughts and feel like I would rather just die today than have to live like this or worse, without the love of my life. How can I go on knowing that ruined it all!? I know I need to see an IC, but I even have a problem with that bc my H brought up the fact that 1) he doesn't really believe in IC/MC and 2) we're going to spend money to fix something that should have never been broken to begin with.
I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. And I have no Idea where to turn. I'm out of town and alone, trying to fake my way through a conference. And back home my life is ripped to shreds. And with every word I type or speak about this, all I can hear is myself saying "and you did this" or "and it's your fault" after every sentence.