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OnlyOne posted 1/15/2014 20:06 PM

Hello friends!

My DH is currently studying for the bar exam and I consider it my job to be a supportive wife, not only with words of encouragement, but in major part by making our home a comfortable one to come home to at the end of a long day studying and the stress that comes with studying for the bar.

I've found lots of help at flylady.net as far as motivation to keep the house clean and a way to actually do it. I love having a clean house. It relaxes me. A lot of what I do, I do for myself as well.

So here is my question. I love having a clean house for ME. But I also love feeling appreciated for my efforts. At what point is the need for appreciation trumped by your personal motivation do do something?

If I lived alone, I wouldn't be looking to anyone to appreciate my efforts. So why is having my husband's appreciation so important - and lets face it - not getting it can become a source of friction.

What do you think?

fireproof posted 1/15/2014 21:19 PM

My 2 cents and I don't know your background but I think it is healthy to want to be appreciated.

The issue is if someone is going through a stressful time is it the best time to be irritated. I would either hire someone to clean it until he has time to hear you or I would figure it is helping the household and figure out something to do for you.

I think especially married to people who are involved in professions that require studying etc you have to be clear what is important to you and to him. My guess is if you cleaned less he wouldn't care and just happy to not fall asleep on his books.

The other thing is maybe you are feeling left out - he is studying to move on and where are you with your goals and he is most likely ultra busy so less time.

I don't know I use to enjoy my time alone and went out with friends. I kept the house neat but I also if I needed to be appreciated about anything like grocery shopping then I would stop and surprise we ordered out or he went after work. He never noticed.

It is a partnership - if both are busy hire or have a discussion of a rotating schedule.

Good luck!

cannibal posted 1/16/2014 02:43 AM

I think it can definitely be a major source of friction. Talk to your husband about it or just point out all the hard work you have been doing. He maybe just so into his studies that he isn't aware of all the work you're doing.

Amazonia posted 1/16/2014 07:58 AM

I guess for me, it depends on what your motivation is. If you are doing it because you like a clean house, then it's for your own sake, and only you are required to appreciate your hard work. But if you're doing it because he wants a clean house, then he should appreciate what you're doing for him.

And if you're cleaning for his sake but he really doesn't give a flip whether the house is clean, then you need to reevaluate your motivation.

Undefinabl3 posted 1/16/2014 12:17 PM

If I lived alone, I wouldn't be looking to anyone to appreciate my efforts. So why is having my husband's appreciation so important - and lets face it - not getting it can become a source of friction.

But you would be appreciated, but from yourself.

I think the other ingredient is respect.

When you live alone, you are only cleaning up your own messes. When you live with someone (i find especially with a spouse), you will start to have to clean up their messes too.

You are not the only one in the shower, the tub, on the toilet. You are not the only one eating, drinking, and making food. You are no longer the only one in the living room and bedroom - and you have more then just your clothes to clean.

The bar is a beast - i mean, beyond a beast. If you were in his shoes, you wouldn't want to clean or anything either. The bar is pretty much a life changing test.

If his habits don't change after he takes the test, then i would have a chat. Otherwise, don't overwork yourself.

truthsetmefree posted 1/16/2014 20:44 PM

I don't work outside of the home and consider my job description to be similar to yours. It's a tough position because even if you have a "boss" that doesn't recognize you and what you contribute, you also don't get a paycheck at the end of the week either. Imagine how many people would continue with a job under those conditions! Society doesn't help either because no matter how much we have evolved there's still the "oh, you don't work?" response. Or having to explain on a credit app how you have an income on one line but no employer listed on the next. I am now CEO of "TSMF" Enterprises because, well, it's just easier on so many levels.

So, all this to say, I would guess that this may be at the heart of some of what you are experiencing. It's not just needing the recognition of your H. - though that certainly helps and he should be doing that. It also helps to not have all the work that you do to not be dismissed as "oh, you don't work".