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roarlouder posted 1/15/2014 21:00 PM

I have been monitoring WH social media, as well as OW. I believe OW is posting many things about love, waiting, etc. directed at my spouse. I believe she's also monitoring his (she's blocked but there's ways around it) and posting things in response. For example, lets say he posted a quote from a certain person or a sing by an artist, she posts another one by same person with generic love, miss you comments.

At the end of the day I have no control over what OW does and it has no bearing on my M. My spouse has not posted anything that seems like secret communicating or responsive to her. He seems to be complete on the up and up.

The only reason I keep checking hers is to make sure this is one sided and my spouse isn't doing anything. But it's triggering me. How do I handle? I feel like I need to keep checking hers so I can verify his is ok and fill the trust bucket, but what's a reasonable amount of time and how do I keep it from making crazy?

Lovedyoumore posted 1/15/2014 21:57 PM

For many reasons, including her continued attempt to make contact after DDay and other strange happenings, I make it my business to know where OW is coming and going. It is not hard because she is a media diva.

If you feel she is really trying contact, I would keep watch but stay quiet and stealth. Watch from afar and if she comes in too close warn your H. Try to make this as impersonal as possible and keep a broad view.

Morhurt posted 1/15/2014 22:35 PM

Have you and your H considered him dropping FB? That's one sure way!

1Emptyglass posted 1/15/2014 22:46 PM

In the same boat. I check OW FB because she continues to try to contact WH almost 22 months after Dday (have finally blocked her from his work cell) now I see that after leaving his sister company a year and a half ago (because employer wouldn't allow her on his work site) she was just rehired. I now work in my husbands office, but have to keep one eye open to watch for stalking to continue. I have no idea why they would rehire this woman? Only a couple of the bosses knew of the A when H asked that she not be located to his site. Guess she still wants my life. I check for my own safety.

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 00:08 AM

If it was outright contact I'd handle differently (no accounts) but it is more posting quotes, etc. I think are meant to let him (or maybe even me) know she's thinking of him, etc if we were to look...either to mess with my head, lure him into reaching out, etc. it isn't direct some of it is just a bit suspect

Jrazz posted 1/16/2014 00:14 AM

Another vote for "ditch the FB."

It's not worth the hassle. Many FWS's gave up social media, especially if it was involved in their cheating.

AmberDust posted 1/16/2014 02:02 AM

As the affair was re-started, our OW started posting about it. Very “read between the lines”, at first. but had I known then what I know now, I would’ve known it was about my FWH.
I told him she was back to “hunting” again. Like I said, little did I know my husband was the one she was hunting for, because of course he lied to my face and pretended to have no idea what I was talking about.

Something “magical” happened to her today, she posted, and life was good again. Now I know that was the day NC was broken. Reading back I can sort of make my own timeline; when the “I love you’s” started and how she has now lost hope since DD2, when I found out and all contact stopped.

Since then, she posts how life is unbearable for her and she misses him because they are soulmates and he is settling now that he is with me. She is still waiting for him. For a year now, she is whining about her broken heart and encouraging him to contact her, in her posts. She will "never stop loving him and since real love has no regret, she will keep on dreaming about his returning to her for a life happily ever after”, blah blah blah.

Weird thing is, I think she is still married. If I were her BS, I don’t think I would like reading how she feels about another man being her number one and me being unimportant.

Nailinmyforehead posted 1/16/2014 04:49 AM

My FWW ditched FB and it helped our R. That led me to ditch it as well, and I haven't looked back. I vote for getting rid of it. I fell for it and ended up driving myself nuts with it.

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 11:22 AM

I've thought about it. But WS is very social...he already feels like he's lost a lot of his social life. He's used to spending a lot if time with friends, but hasn't been as we work through this a d the trust/security gets built back.
I think the social media is helping him fill that void. And yes, he did this, but if we are going to R I don't feel it's helpful to take everything away. I feel like successful R will be built on us both being respectful, but something's also got to give. I can't lock him in the basement forever. And I don't want him to resent me either. Ah, what fun.

LoveActually posted 1/16/2014 11:42 AM


I see your d-day is only about 4 months ago. That's super fresh. By being unfaithful your husband created the mess. Too bad so sad if he has been isolated from his social life--that's what happens when you betray the one you love. If your husband won't ditch FB he can make his page private so no one but friends can see what he is posting on his wall--this shouldn't be a problem--it takes the click of a button to secure your timeline from any of your posts being public. You can't be afraid of your husband resenting you--if he resents you for making certain demands because of what he has done to you then how can you ever move forward. You get to feel anyway you feel right now and he should be all in supporting you in that. I'm 4.5 years down the road I can tell you that it takes a LONG time to build any sort of trust back. If my husband was bummed that he had given up so much of his social life four months out from causing me the greatest hurt in my life I would be so f***ing ANGRY. Reconciliation is hard work and it usually takes a lot of sacrifice for both partners to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Giving up a FB page is a drop in the bucket for what he needs to do to make this right and help you and your marriage heal. Stay strong for you and what you need. Hugs!

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 11:59 AM

True. He's not being or expressing resentment or anger or being bummed out. But I know him, I know he is feeling lonely from his friends, but he gets why it has to be this way.

I think it is more me... I am used to being the one to always agree and make sacrifices for him, for "us" to not rock the boat even if I wasn't ok with it. I am not doing that any more, not is he pushing me to. I guess it's just letting go of my old habits in our relationship.

Mama58 posted 1/16/2014 12:09 PM

A 5 year LTA? And you feel bad for him? What about you? You do know there are secret ways of communicating on FB? It's probably just more underground now. I say lose the FB, ASAP. Oh well, poor hubby, he can't post stupid crap on there anymore. Poor guy. Trust me, she's not your problem.

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 12:10 PM

Ugh so WH pinned some love quote he liked...fine but now I see she's pinned something I think is in response. Again, he seems to be being above board-as far as I can tell he hasn't looked at hers. But no doubt she's looking at his.

I want to tell WH this and say we suspect she's watching us, please don't post anything that could be misinterpreted as being to/for her. Post a recipe, whatever, or make it clear it is for me. If it was direct contact from her I'd call her and tell her to F off, but I don't want to give satisfaction of knowing I am watching.

I also hesitate to mention this to WS because if he isn't looking, it's going to make him want to look to see what I am talking about and I just want her as far away as possible.

What should I do?

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 12:10 PM

How do you communicate secretly on FB?

Mama58 posted 1/16/2014 12:12 PM

And on this subject, we are going to have a whole new generation of broken relationships, families,and marriages due to social media, it's just Wayyy to easy!

Mama58 posted 1/16/2014 12:20 PM

Why hasn't he blocked her? Delete the whole fing thing, both of you, stop feeding her kibbles, how much time is spent looking/thinking about this crap in one day? Time could be spent doing constructive things! You're giving her Wayyy to much space in your head!

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 12:23 PM

She's blocked. Has been since DDay. But there's ways around it.

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 12:29 PM

My options are:
-say something to WH now. Then he knows how closely I am monitoring...
-watch quietly for another week or so and make sure he doesn't start posting strange things that would indicate he's playing games too
-if he is behaving, then at some point won't she give up? And if he is t doing anything, then why does it matter what she does?

struggling3 posted 1/16/2014 12:30 PM

Yes, she can access his page even if blocked. But if you have the correct privacy settings...she will see nothing that he posts. She will not see any pictures. Stay on top of can be done.

roarlouder posted 1/16/2014 12:33 PM

Not on Pinterest. Anyone can look even without an account. She's blocked so you just don't sign in and then you can see.

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