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Is this a fog?

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peoplepleaser posted 1/15/2014 21:23 PM

I've read a about this fog that happens after an A is discovered. The descriptions I've read seem to imply that it's related to the fantasy of the affair, but what I'm seeing is a fierce justification of the As by comparing the relaationship issues beforehand as a reason why WS was feeling so bad about herself that she chose to cheat to feel better. And that she couldn't say "no" to anyone, me and her APs. In this justification she's claiming responsibility for the relationship issues for "not standing up to me." She's dumping the rest of the issues, and claiming she was miserable in our reltionship all 8 years on me--I wasn't appreciative, I was critical, I wasn't attentive enough, etc. I recently read a post on the Wayside about co-dependency, and this describes WS clearly. It helped me understand how this all happened, including the behavior in our relationship; of course, she's not anywhere near that realization. Anyway, I know that this is blameshifting, but her narrative of the story and her anger about our relationship seem to be some sort of "fog" that is justifying her behavior. I think that because after the first DDay, as she trickled the truth, we talked about the relationship and she had quite a few insights into how her behavior and assumptions led to her belief that I was such a horrible person that took her for granted. But as I pulled back from discussing relationship issues the more her outight lies were uncovered over five months, she started to make more accusations. This culminated on DDay 2 when I unearthed an EA from two years prior. At that time she was "too tired" to continue to try to meet my needs as a result of her As because she'd put so much into the relationship for 8 years. Ugh. So is this a fog? How long do they last?

sunsetslost posted 1/15/2014 21:30 PM

My understanding of "the fog" is a justification, by any means possible in the wayward partner's brain. In most cases I think they know they have done something terrible and need to justify it by romanticizing the A, villainizing the partner, or sabotaging the relationship in some way. I got so sick of the personal attacks I finally said "If this is what you need to think of me to justify your bullshit actions, then that's fine with me. You know you are wrong." Mine is still in the fog. If she comes out of it great for her. I'll be long gone.

mepe27 posted 1/16/2014 13:41 PM

Yes I think it sounds like some fog is there. My H was crazy foggy in the beginning, I was a horrible person for 10 years, our marriage was miserable, the OW was his friend, she understood him, the A was my fault, on and on. It was very difficult to hear b/c it sounds so crazy but you can't argue back, if you try they twist it all around b/c they don't want to hear the truth,they will do anything to not face the truth.

I tried to argue at first, "how could our marriage be horrible for 10 years, I was there and there was a lot of good" he didn't want to hear it, I was wrong wrong wrong. Then I started not arguing and just saying,"that's not how I remember it" or "I disagree with what you are saying" and leave it alone. And ultimately I 180'd without knowing what it was, I just pretty much detached emotionally b/c I couldn't take it anymore. He'd want to explain something crazy and I'd just say I wasn't interested in hearing his version.

And finally I had to leave b/c the fog was so great, he couldn't see anything real. It was like he was trapped in this fog where he had to cling to the image of me that was horrible, that our marriage was horrible or face the truth which was almost to painful to face. He'd have to admit he did a really shitty thing that wasn't justified in any way and he'd have to start answering all those questions WS struggle with, does having an A make me a bad person? what kind of person does this, who am I? etc etc. He didn't want to open that up. So I left for a few weeks and he finally called and was much less foggy. He admitted that I wasn't as bad as he'd said, that our marriage had good parts and that he'd done something wrong. That was the start.

later he told me he would have never changed if I hadn't left, he felt like I was wrong, I deserved everything I was getting and he wouldn't have changed b/c he never thought I leave.

Then several months after that it really started to fade,he actually would revisit the tings he'd said and tell me how he couldn't believe he felt that way. It seriously is like a fog for the WS too, they are so engulfed in lies and justifications they can't remember what's true anymore.

That all being said, our marriage had serious problems, I had horrible communication skills and I wasn't responsive to his concerns. That was totally wrong on my part, he was doing things ( besides A's ) that weren't helping our marriage so it was both of us making our marriage bad not just me. But ultimately having sex with someone wasn't a way to fix our marriage, so that argument isn't logical. Yes I contributed to him being sad and I can work hard to work on those issues now, to listen now, to talk about stuff now. Thats how I can validate his real concerns about our marriage but him having an because I made him, isn't an argument I'll have, that is squarely on his shoulders. If you listen to your wife's concerns about the marriage prior to the A and you see some validity to her concerns, address them with her, take them seriously b/c they are issues in the marriage but as soon as she starts down the path of "and that's when you drove me to an A..." no. That is where her full responsibilty starts and she's going to need to deal with that. Don't argue or get mad,just reinforce that choosing to have an A was her choice alone, you'll work on the marriage issues but that's all you can do and should do.

Sorry that was long.
The fog is tricky, just stick to the truth, stand behind the reality and don't get sucked into her foggy ideas hopefully that will be a beacon for her to come out and work thru true R with you.

peoplepleaser posted 1/16/2014 14:27 PM

Thanks for the support. Yes, I have validated her concerns in the relationship over and over again. Since before the most recent EA, actually. I still do, but I quit talking when she starts attacking me for the times she was in the A. At this point she "can't" show remorse because she out too much into the relationship and she's too tired. She actually implied that I should be able to look back at all the good she did in the relationship and be able to move forward after the A without her having to put so much in. Amazing. So I'm adopting the 180. I have seen who she truly is at this point and it's not what I want or deserve. Given the information I found about codependency that are clearly what she was doing in our relationship, I know that it will take her a long time to adapt her behaviors to a healthy relationship. I'm not sure I will still be around when she's out of the fog. What makes the 180 difficult is that we are in the same house while separated. So it's difficult not to fall into chummy conversations at the very least. But I'm not feeling much respect for myself by engaging in them. So I'm not demanding respect from her with that either. It's such a mess. I probably just need to cut my losses.

Kitty70 posted 1/17/2014 21:08 PM

Yeah, I think that's the situation you're in. I'm not so familiar with it myself, but I'm wondering too. I just ended things with my BF on Monday, and he's come back full force after leaving me alone a few days.

I bring up that I know he was cheating, and he doesn't say anything or reply. I'm crying my eyes out in front of him, and nothing. Then he brings up how all the years together that I made him feel like a 2nd class citizen and that I hurt him, etc. Yes, I admit to the times I pushed him to get a normal job, pointed out how I paid for everything, etc. But I was frustrated that he was unmotivated and I was being the responsible one.

I'm guessing this is his fog to me. I feel him hoovering me back in (ugh). But I'm trying to tell myself that a) I didn't deserve to be cheated on anyway, and b) he's still not admitting to any cheating despite evidence.

Amazing stuff. Good luck figuring it out.

ConfusednAfraid posted 1/17/2014 22:30 PM

Yep it is. My WW is behaving similarly. It is also called the rationalizing hamster. They always justify the A because of things you did or didn't do. Aka My having an A is all your fault.

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