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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: BS wants out after year of reconciling
LuckyinLove
♀ 41566
Member # 41566
Sad  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, this is my first post on here. My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years, and we have 3 daughters 7, 4, and 2. Last year our stress and his staying at work for long hours and my not understanding what was happening in my brain and feeling neglected led to me having an A with another married man. H found us kissing in a bathroom while on a double date, then I continued to lie and see him for two months. There was some physical but no sex, mostly talking on the phone and in person and becoming emotionally attached. A couple days after Christmas last year H confronted me and I confessed. We went through months of rage and constant anger, we separated for two months and then he told me he wanted to reconcile. We've been seeing a counselor since then, but he is up and down constantly. Battling depression over losing his job when he couldn't handle finding out about the A, trying to not look at me with hate. He has days where he looks at me like he used to, and days where he can't look at me at all. Tonight he is really depressed, and told me he thinks it's pointless to keep trying. Says he's tried for too long and he'll never forgive me so there's no reason to stay together. I feel lost, helpless, angry, scared. I don't want to lose him after all we've gone through and all that we've improved and made better about our relationship. The worst part is that when he feels bad and down he says things to the girls. He told our 7 year old "the truth about why we were fighting last week", and I don't think it's right to talk about an affair to a child. I'm furious and I hate him for that. This post is obnoxious, I'm sorry. I guess I just need to rant and to see if there's anyone out there in a similar situation. :(


- LuckyinLove
"...people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2013
cannibal
♂ 40560
Member # 40560
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here,

I struggle everyday not to throw in the towel. We are going on a year from d-day. There have been a lot of good changes it's just hard to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I'm still hopeful it will get better.


Me: BF 35 Her: FWF 35 dss: 17
D-day: 06/06/04. Ons
D-day: 02/28/13. length of A: 4+ months
Seperation after dday
Moved back in 6/20/13
Broke n/c: 07/24/13
Together since: 02/05/02

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: cannibal
regret12
♀ 41902
Member # 41902
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LiL, I can relate to parts of this. I'm sorry you are going through this and I can empathize with what you are feeling. As hard as it is, give him some space again but I do think that him talking to the children is not fair. A possible attempt to plant the idea to the kids that it is "mommys fault" that we aren't together anymore. Not fair. I don't have children though, so I can't speak to that. I am a child of divorce though and will say that when you know too much about your parents and who did what to who, you end growing up wishing you hadn't and didn't and kind of resenting them both for it.


Me: WW (PA for 2 1/2 mos. 2001) - DDay 12/8/13
Him: WH (multiple EAs throughout dating and marriage) and two revenge PAs - DDay 1: 1/27/14 DDay 2: 2/20/14
Together 22, married 14
No children

Posts: 51 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest US
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lil,

It seems that most people around here find that year 2 after d-day is harder than year 1, the worst actually.

We are 17 months out and my BH and I agree that year 2 sucks.

Is your BH on SI? He might find some hope and encouragement here. The party line is that it takes 2-5 years to heal and there are many couples on here who have successfully R'd.

Don't give up.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1525 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Prayingforhope
♂ 41801
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With regards to the kids, they need to be told something - it's only fair to your BS and it's only fair to the kids. I struggled with this for the first month after DDay and fought it as much as I could - and then I got educated.

We put it in front of the MC and a child therapist and the answer was simple - if the kids are asking questions, they need to be told something about what's going on. To not do is to leave them wondering, and a child with unanswered questions about why mommy and daddy are fighting will think THEY are the problem. Those thoughts are a lot more damaging to kids than knowing. We told our kids two things:

"Daddy had a girlfriend when he wasn't supposed to and it makes Mommy very upset"

"This has NOTHING to do with the three of you. Mommy and Daddy love you endlessly and this has NOTHING to do with you" (we tell them this as often as we can on the advice of a children's therapist).

The good news is the kids are okay. Once their questions are answered they go back to being kids and hope we sort ourselves out. There weren't any follow-up questions and obviously, we never told them any of the horrific details of the A.

There is also a BIG benefit to the BS which I only understood after the fact. It relieves some of the stress of them always being the "angry crazy one" in front of the kids. I didn't see it at the time, but our first month after DDay I had so much regret I was the "perfect dad" - I made their breakfast every morning, dinner at night, tucked them in, read to them, etc. at the same time my BS was raging.

Without explanation to the kids this was unfair, i.e. I'm the one who did this YET she was the one who had to lose her mind in front of the kids.

One of the many reasons I agreed to move out in order to protect my BS. Their space is priceless to their healing process...


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
TOMTEFAR
♂ 39257
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true what Prayingforhope writes.

In what way is it fair to your husband to lie to your kids? Your A has damaged your husband badly and he is struggeling to cope with it. This effects his relationship with the kids in a very negative way. You need to take that of him. The way is to tell the kids so that they understand why and don't start to blame their dad. That would be a double wammy you hit him with. He hurts enough already.

However, you don't give any details. It's enought saing that Mommy hurt dady very badly and it has nothing to do with the kids and that you both love them very much.


Posts: 107 | Registered: May 2013
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LuckyinLove,

BW here.
First of all, kudos for coming on here. I know it took a lot of courage. There are some really wonderful people here who will help you a lot.
I agree with Prayingforhope.
I asked WH to leave on Dday & we were separated for several months because he would not stop contact with coworker OW. We sat down with our 4 kids together, early on, & WH told them that we are separating because "Mom & Dad are working out some problems." Our kids were 20,18, 14 & 12 at that time. Guess what? I lost 40 lbs in 2 months because I was sick to my stomach,cried all the time, & sobbed myself to sleep every night. When WH came over to visit, we would go out & sit in the car, & I would scream at him "You say you want to come back home, why wont you stop calling/texting/seeing her?". When WH came over, he acted arrogant. The kids saw it all, & quickly guessed ON THEIR OWN exactly what had happened (in part because our 12 year old daughter had gone to work with WH & saw OW throwing herself all over him inappropriately.)
As far as

he thinks it's pointless to keep trying

Every day for a long long time, I had to consciously choose to stay with WH. I still love him, & I wanted more than anything to keep our family together, but now I know that he is capable of betraying me---that he did not care about what it would do to us.
R is going well for us now, @ 2 1/2 years out, but it took a lot of work to get here. (Also, the kids do not seem to have any severe damage from what happened---they get along great with their Dad.) Once in awhile, I still have doubts, but WH & I are closer than we have ever been. This site was a lifesaver for us. Is your WH on here? It will give you both a lot of comfort, support, & wisdom.
Best of luck to you, LuckyinLove, & to your BH & kids.
Sending you strength.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LiL, welcome. No stop sign so I too am a BS chiming in. Make sure you check out the healing library on the left, lots of great stuff in there and this forum has GREAT people on here to help.

Few observations:

Last year our stress and his staying at work for long hours and my not understanding what was happening in my brain and feeling neglected led to me having an A with another married man.

Have you figured out WHY you felt it was okay to become involved in an affair with another married man rather than going to your husband to discuss your stress and your feelings of neglect? Why was it okay to south yourself with another man vs. trying to fix this issues in your marriage?

Does the OM's wife know about the affair? I assume since you were on a double date, she was a friend? Is the OM out of your life? Are you NC?

Battling depression over losing his job when he couldn't handle finding out about the A, trying to not look at me with hate. He has days where he looks at me like he used to, and days where he can't look at me at all. Tonight he is really depressed, and told me he thinks it's pointless to keep trying.

This is hard and I can related. My husband was fired for sexual harassment after DDay2 and was unemployed for 4 months. It made our R so much more difficult. The stress of money, finding a job, the fact that he blew up my world, the anxiety, the fear of how are we going to survive with no income (I'm a SAHM), the depression, anger, rage, etc.

The job loss compounds SO much. Is your H still unemployed? This may be just too much for him to handle right now.

Also, someone stated up thread, year 2 is fucking hard. REALLY hard.

The worst part is that when he feels bad and down he says things to the girls. He told our 7 year old "the truth about why we were fighting last week", and I don't think it's right to talk about an affair to a child. I'm furious and I hate him for that.

This is ENTIRELY unfair to your husband.

You should be furious at YOURSELF. YOU had an affair, YOU blew up your marriage. If you didn't want your children to know, you shouldn't have had an affair. This is a consequence of YOUR actions. They would never had to know had you not made the choice to self-sooth with another man.

Our two oldest kids know. In fact our oldest, who was 14 at DDay1, she guessed it. I could not lie to her. While I do think your kids are young, I still don't think you should lie to them, just be age appropriate.

You betrayed your children just as much as your husband. You have to repair the damage you inflicted on them too. Right now? They are SCARED. They are worried about losing their family! You have to apologize and then prove your actions to your children too!


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Decimated
♂ 31656
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LuckyinLove,

I felt like your BH does for quite a while. My thoughts would change from day to day, sometimes from moment to moment. One minute I loved her more than life itself and couldn't stand the thought of losing her, the next minute I hated her and wanted her out of my life. Sometimes I was overcome with deep sadness and despair and within minutes…deep anger and rage. It was the emotional roller-coaster from hell. For him, this could take years to recover from. All you can do is be patient with him.

My situation was different than yours. My XWW had a full blown EA/PA for almost two years. If that wasn't tough enough to deal with, she also stonewalled, TT’d, and just plain lied for years afterward. I experienced many D days. She still claimed that she didn't want a divorce so I decided to focus on R. The R I thought we were in was very one sided…false. She did the bare minimum…just enough to keep me from calling it quits. This was emotional abuse although I didn't see it at the time.

Finally one day she admitted that she still didn't know what she wanted. That was it for me…I filed for divorce. I just couldn't live like that anymore. Even one year after the divorce was final, I am still on the roller coaster but the highs and lows are not nearly as extreme.

For me to have stayed, I needed her to fight for me and our marriage…real effort. I needed her to earn the trust back that she destroyed with her choices and actions. I needed her to make me feel a lot more special than she made OM feel. I needed to know I wasn't wasting my time and that was #1. I also needed her to accept that I was now broken and she was responsible and that she needed to help fix me and understand my mood swings. If she was doing these things I could have stayed. I would still be on a roller coaster, with my thinking changing all the time, but I wouldn't have jumped off.

Are you doing all these things?

When it came time to tell the kids 19, 14, and 11, at the time, my first reaction was to tell them the truth. I was angry and wanted them to know who XWW had become. I wanted to hurt her as bad as she hurt me. After some careful thought, I decided not to tell them about the cheating...but I wasn't going to take the blame either. The oldest had already figured it out so I asked that he keep what he knew to himself. I told the younger children that mommy wasn't happy and didn't love daddy anymore. I have to divorce her so she could be happy. This way, she got the blame without the negative infidelity side effects to the kids. I made sure they knew that we both loved them and it was in no way, their fault. Honestly though, the kids will find out sooner or later anyway. Both of our families and all of our friends know…it’s just a matter of time. After they turn 18, if they ask me for the truth…I will tell them. I do not agree with your husbands choice to be brutally honest with your child with details. I do believe in honesty but in this case the negatives out way the positives.

[This message edited by Decimated at 1:07 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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