SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I'm so confused and hurt. I made a list of all the carnage I caused with my one night stand and came up with 18 pretty bad things. My H was being supportive and almost sweet:) We had booked a weekend at a resort to try and reconnect.
Then I woke up this morning and H was being cruel and mean. It has gone down here from there. He says he will give the therapists 4 weeks to fix this or he wants a divorce. We have been married 23 years! He wanted me out this weekend but my friends talked some sense into him on that one. I am a stay at home mom and have no resources. But beyond that, I love my H. I really really love my H. I don't know how I was stupid enough to get myself into this situation and now I'm going to lose everything. My 13 year old will not speak to me. Her father made sure all 3 of the kids knew what I had done.
I have been an open book with him,prayed, wrote scripture and prayer and left it on the side of his bed every single night. I have gotten on my knees and begged for a second chance. He just looks a me with a cold dare stare and makes sure he calls me a slut whenever possible. I have always been overly dependent on him and I don't know how to literally start my life over. I'm scared to death.

It sounds like the roller coaster took a big dive. Just hang on.

I'm so sorry that your children know. Are you and your BH in IC? It might be good to take your children to C as well to help them cope with this.

Is your BH on here? I think the BSes here would advise him to try not to make any decisions yet. As long as you are remorseful, transparent, and NC with the AP he would be encouraged to wait and watch your actions.

Read in the healing library for a lot of great advice for you helping your BH to recover and helping you to heal yourself from this.

I'm sorry you have to be here but stick around, this is the best place anywhere for support and straight, no holds barred advice on getting through this mess.

I'm sorry for your pain even more so because I'm going through the same thing. I would say if he is asking you to leave, you need to give him some space.

Nothing is more important to their healing process than space in the early days - even more so if he is asking for it.

I tried your approach for a month and it made the situation even WORSE for my BS. Then I moved out when she asked me - it was the only option.

If you have nowhere to go you may want to try an in-home separation. Just the offer and your willingness to go this route will show your BS you care more about him than yourself...

Good luck.

This is a tough one because it appears your BH warned, and talked to you about OM before hand and you did it anyways.

The thing that sticks out is you first listed not being able to support yourself. Then in almost a by the way, way you say I love him. I going from both your post and profile. Make me think your more scared to be without him then excited to be with him.

Yep. Consequences suck big time.

lovemyfam,

Your BH is obviously very, very angry and hurt. You can only control what you do. Keep doing what you're doing. Do the work on yourself.

Sometimes when a BS is acting in anger, what they say is not truly what they mean, they're lashing out in pain. It's a rollercoaster, the feelings go up and down in the blink of an eye.

I'm sorry you're so scared. Keep being authentic and honest with yourself and with your H.

No stop sign so...

Your BH is hitting the rage stage. This is NORMAL. I said a lot of things during this stage, especially about wanting to throw the towel in, wanting to separate, etc. Why? Because I wanted my husband to start digging deep and really put all his effort into fixing HIMSELF, our marriage and helping me heal and also? Because I was just so damn angry.

Your husband warned you about the OM. And you disregarded him. You then rejected your BH for the OM. The OM "convinced" you that the safest place was to meet in a hotel room? Seriously? I think you REALLY REALLY need to dig deeper in to this. How does a man convince a woman that it's safe to meet in a hotel room? Did part of you go in hopes of hooking up? You need to really find out what your intentions were. I mean be honest with yourself. If my husband told me what you said in your profile, I'd tell him "bullshit" because no one would be that naive going to a hotel room without an inkling that there was going to be some action going on.

Also, your husband may have triggered, hard. You said you were at a resort. Well, was the last time you were at a hotel with the OM? For me, as a BW? That would be a HUGE trigger. Even if it wasn't the same hotel, it would still trigger me, so look at it from his perspective in regards to that.

A few observations:

H was being cruel and mean.

Again, he's angry. However, your affair was cruel and mean and much much worse. Let him feel this anger. Support him through it. When he gets upset, apologize for specific actions. For example, "Mr. Lovemyfam, I am so sorry I disregarded your warnings about the OM. I should have trusted your instincts when you told me to."

He wanted me out this weekend but my friends talked some sense into him on that one.

Get your friends OUT of your marriage immediately. They have no business in it. Your therapist yes. Your pastor, maybe. But your friends? Absolutely not. This is bad on so many levels. Do not involve third parties in your relationship and pit people against each other, use them to convince the other, etc. I would be LIVID if my husband did that.

I'm going to lose everything.

This is an "all about you" statement. Your husband? Has already lost everything. You blew up his world and then some. And NOW your worried about losing everything? If he decides to divorce, no one would blame the guy. This may be a deal breaker. It is a consequence of your actions. This is why affairs are so dangerous, no one thinks about the repercussions unfortunately.

HOWEVER...he is giving it 4 weeks at the moment. He's not ending it now. So for the next 4 weeks, but your ass. Read everything you can. Go to MC, try IC. Read here, participate. DIG DEEP.

Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and "Not "just Friends""

Those are two excellent books to begin with. Read them, absorb them, implement them. SUPPORT him. Comfort him if he will let you. Journal. Be proactive. Shut your facebook down, transparency.

Do not beg, right now? He doesn't give a shit. Don't write and leave him things, it may look like manipulation. Rather ACTIONS speak louder.

My 13 year old will not speak to me. Her father made sure all 3 of the kids knew what I had done.

Yep, it's a consequence of your actions. Our two oldest kids know. In fact our oldest, who was 14 at DDay1, she guessed it. I could not lie to her.

Plus? Kids are smart, they know something is up. It is utterly unfair to them to not explain to them at least that something is wrong and why, on their level.

Of course your daughter is angry! You betrayed your children just as much as your husband. You have to repair the damage you inflicted on them too. Right now? They are SCARED. They are worried about losing their family! You have to apologize and then prove your actions to your children too!

I have always been overly dependent on him and I don't know how to literally start my life over. I'm scared to death.

Regardless if you divorce or not, you need to become more independent. You need to become strong because the aftermath of an affair is not for the weak. So pull on your big girl pants, strap in and get ready for the roller coaster ride.

When was DDay? When did your H find out about your affair? Also, you describe it as a one night stand, but you said he figured it out through texts and emails. To me, that sounds like you were also involved in an emotional affair. Is that the case? Affairs are far more than just sex.

When was the ONS and what did your H find that told him you cheated?

Regarding the horrible day - there will be so many of these, this is just the start apparently. Most BSs have a 'shock' stage, and then become angry. Very angry. When the realization that this really happened, that the WS really cheated, and all of the underlying emotions tied to that hit, it's hard. Very, very hard. Lashing out is just one side effect.

I am sorry that you are hurting, but as others have mentioned, you sound far more afraid that you will lose things than anything else, including hurting your H. There is not one comment in your post about his hurt, his pain, his feelings.

And I agree that your friends have no place in your marriage, at all. I feel for you that you believe you have no resources, but right now the focus needs to be on your H, or the reconciliation will fail in all likelihood.

I do hope you're able to work through this, but you may be expecting too much too soon. Making a list shows you realize the damage your actions caused, and your H seemed to appreciate that. However, the damage is still there. Listing it doesn't make it go away. Those things on that list and more rolled through his head all night, and he woke up (if he slept) angry that this is now his life. For 23 years he had someone he trusted, depended on, and loved. In the blink of an eye, that was shattered. Please try to remember that, and if he needs space, please give it to him. I know it's scary, but if it's what he needs, then please be willing to give it to him.

I'm sorry that the world is upside down for you right now. I really suggest reading 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair'. It will give you a little insight into how your H feels, and also some ideas on how you can help.

Again - I hope you and your BH are able to find your way out of this situation.

Yep ^^^^ Everything above.

It's hard and its so easy to fall down the pity party and let the fears and the guilt and the shame take over and keep you from facing your truths.

You made the bed.

I am 15 months out, and my BH is having an extremely hard time. The anger is almost a controlling factor for him, and he wants it to stop. If it doesn't he is afraid he can't have what he wants. Think how frustrating that is how depressing and the person that caused it , is me,

The emotions your BH is feeling is extreme, and they roll through him over and over and over again. And they are very hard to stop.

Yes you are a sahm. Now , I am in the same spot, No source of true support financially if my BH decides to leave, it would require schooling etc. Change of life. And I am good with that, It's something I know I can do. I had to get there though, to make sure I was here for the right reasons. Do some soul searching there, If your there cause you don't want to give up the lifestyle, well chances are the focus on me not him, and your healing will be based on fear not love. Be honest, this is the time to do it.

And if its love and to build your family back up and to build yourself, you will have more incentive to be open , honest and want to do the searching.

He may leave one day, That is a consequence of our affairs, It is right. Realize he is giving up his pride and his integrity and he feels like a complete fool . So yes he may be angry and cruel with his words, but nothing like what you(I) have done. We spit in their face

Good luck and hope for you the days and weeks get better

How you doing now, Has this day been any better? Have you found your grounding yet?

If he is going to bring up the ONS for discussion then he should keep a civil tongue in his head. No slut, whore, harlot etc. that is said with an attempt to degrade and could lead to further damage to your mental health. What if the kids overhear?

He has turned your children against you, just what is he trying to accomplish with the hateful invective? A complete nervous breakdown?

I would remind him that insults are unacceptable and walk away if he persists. He has to respect you through all of his anger, or he will destroy any possibility of reconciliation. In turn you need to come to a consensus with the therapists on why you had the ONS in the first place. It certainly was a poor decision; to risk losing what you value the most for precious little gain

He has to respect you through all of his anger

A better statement is: he shouldn't hurl insults and treat you like crap through all his anger.

But after DDay, he doesn't have to respect her. She needs to earn that back. I certainly didn't respect my fww after she betrayed me and I know she certainly didn't respect me when she was with OM.

Respect?

In principal verbal abuse is wrong. I don't think it should be promoted.

At the same time, a person can understand some of it happening due to the degree of betrayal.

Am a BS, when you learn of what was done and you actually can grasp it, a person generally isn't in a polite state to their betrayer.

As for the kids? I think it is wrong to draw them in like that. As a weapon and son on. Sooner or later they will know, but not like that. Just because you are a BS doesn't mean you should try and get support from your kids.

Its a matter of semantics. I meant respect in reference to the basic dignity of a person and how cheap insults debase that dignity. I agree with tooanalytical that the act of adultery causes one to lose respect for that person as a moral individual, but you should still have enough regard for the WS to refrain from verbal violence. No use attempting reconciliation if you don't.

Agree. I only pointed out the semantics because if she told me that I had to "respect" her after d-day I would have laughed in her face after what she did to me and I would have been extremely pissed off. Definite trigger.