No stop sign so...
Your BH is hitting the rage stage. This is NORMAL. I said a lot of things during this stage, especially about wanting to throw the towel in, wanting to separate, etc. Why? Because I wanted my husband to start digging deep and really put all his effort into fixing HIMSELF, our marriage and helping me heal and also? Because I was just so damn angry.
Your husband warned you about the OM. And you disregarded him. You then rejected your BH for the OM. The OM "convinced" you that the safest place was to meet in a hotel room? Seriously? I think you REALLY REALLY need to dig deeper in to this. How does a man convince a woman that it's safe to meet in a hotel room? Did part of you go in hopes of hooking up? You need to really find out what your intentions were. I mean be honest with yourself. If my husband told me what you said in your profile, I'd tell him "bullshit" because no one would be that naive going to a hotel room without an inkling that there was going to be some action going on.
Also, your husband may have triggered, hard. You said you were at a resort. Well, was the last time you were at a hotel with the OM? For me, as a BW? That would be a HUGE trigger. Even if it wasn't the same hotel, it would still trigger me, so look at it from his perspective in regards to that.
A few observations:
H was being cruel and mean.
Again, he's angry. However, your affair was cruel and mean and much much worse. Let him feel this anger. Support him through it. When he gets upset, apologize for specific actions. For example, "Mr. Lovemyfam, I am so sorry I disregarded your warnings about the OM. I should have trusted your instincts when you told me to."
He wanted me out this weekend but my friends talked some sense into him on that one.
Get your friends OUT of your marriage immediately. They have no business in it. Your therapist yes. Your pastor, maybe. But your friends? Absolutely not. This is bad on so many levels. Do not involve third parties in your relationship and pit people against each other, use them to convince the other, etc. I would be LIVID if my husband did that.
I'm going to lose everything.
This is an "all about you" statement. Your husband? Has already lost everything. You blew up his world and then some. And NOW your worried about losing everything? If he decides to divorce, no one would blame the guy. This may be a deal breaker. It is a consequence of your actions. This is why affairs are so dangerous, no one thinks about the repercussions unfortunately.
HOWEVER...he is giving it 4 weeks at the moment. He's not ending it now. So for the next 4 weeks, but your ass. Read everything you can. Go to MC, try IC. Read here, participate. DIG DEEP.
Read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and "Not "just Friends""
Those are two excellent books to begin with. Read them, absorb them, implement them. SUPPORT him. Comfort him if he will let you. Journal. Be proactive. Shut your facebook down, transparency.
Do not beg, right now? He doesn't give a shit. Don't write and leave him things, it may look like manipulation. Rather ACTIONS speak louder.
My 13 year old will not speak to me. Her father made sure all 3 of the kids knew what I had done.
Yep, it's a consequence of your actions. Our two oldest kids know. In fact our oldest, who was 14 at DDay1, she guessed it. I could not lie to her.
Plus? Kids are smart, they know something is up. It is utterly unfair to them to not explain to them at least that something is wrong and why, on their level.
Of course your daughter is angry! You betrayed your children just as much as your husband. You have to repair the damage you inflicted on them too. Right now? They are SCARED. They are worried about losing their family! You have to apologize and then prove your actions to your children too!
I have always been overly dependent on him and I don't know how to literally start my life over. I'm scared to death.
Regardless if you divorce or not, you need to become more independent. You need to become strong because the aftermath of an affair is not for the weak. So pull on your big girl pants, strap in and get ready for the roller coaster ride.