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WS Went to IC yesterday

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totallyconfused1 posted 1/16/2014 07:27 AM

Day 2 after confronting my ws and telling him we are done, he called and made an app't for himself.

He had it yesterday (day 7)and seemed very emotionally drained. About 1.5 hrs. We talked a bit about it, but I didn't want to ask too much. I think it was a positive step. I don't want to be the one driving this - it needs to be him. I did ask him if the counsellor set any boundaries for him to gain my trust back, and he said they didn't really get into that, but he is fine with whatever I want. He's willing to do anything to gain that back. He's not been one to talk about things, and always balked about going to a counsellor before, I think afraid of someone digging too deep into him. So this is a good step for him.

I've been doing the 180 (had a slip up and followed him around and screamed at him one day) but he's still in the basement and I think really missing me.

Of course, my head is on straight enough to know not to feel too encouraged by this - it could be all bs, and I could end up hearing more. Even though he still insists it wasn't. (Admits to just meeting her in Dec, few racy texts and a meeting in our van which included her giving him oral. No emotional att'd, I don't think.) OW collaborated his story, and I don't think he warned her as I took his phone when I confronted him and then called her from mine right after and waited to see if she would text him, which she didn't. But like I said, my head is in the space where anything is possible and I'm preparing for the worst, if more is to come out. Although I feel in my gut that I really do not need to worry about this OW.

Did you let your ws sleep back in your bed? Mine hasn't asked, but I want to be prepared for when the question is asked. Just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing, which I know is different for everyone's different situations, but would like opinions.

brohl5 posted 1/16/2014 08:27 AM

Totally you sound so strong and I'm so proud of you. I read your other posts and you seem to be doing everything right. Please make sure you read as much here as you possibly can. There are several posts in JFO that I have bumped for you. (They have a target sign on the yellow circle). My advice is to read, read, read. As much as you can.

One thing I remember learning when I JFO, is don't make any major decisions for at least 6 months. During the first few months there are so many ups and downs and emotions and you need to give yourself time for your head to begin to clear. Your WS making the IC apt himself and going so quickly is a positive step. You as a BS can do all the right things, but unless the WS puts 1000% of effort into reconciliation, it isn't going to work.

2 things.
First - It is very important that you tell the OW's H. It is imperative that he knows. A's thrive in secrecy and I would not believe anything she says or consider her no longer a threat. Whatever the fallout in her M is because of your telling her H is her problem to take care of.
Second - I would explore more deeply the text messages that you found a year ago from another woman. Yes, he said he was married and that he loved his wife, but how did he get himself into that environment in the first place? Was there flirting going on at work which made her feel comfortable enough to send him those messages in the first place. "Innocent flirting" and "fishing for compliments" is not appropriate behavior and he needs to get to the heart of this. I hope I am making sense.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I think you are doing great. Read and inform yourself as much as you can. Whether you let him back in your bedroom or not is up to you. There is a thing called Hysterical Bonding that is normal after Dday.

Skan posted 1/16/2014 12:13 PM

This IS a good 1st step for him, but remember, a journey is made up of far more than first steps. Time and consistent actions are what you need. But every journey is made up of a first step as well.

What your sleeping arrangements are is completely up to you. There were times when my FWH slept with me. There were times when I couldn't have him in my bed. The two times that I discovered that he was lying to me, I booted him out of my bed the last occasion I booted him out of the room altogether. It was only when *I* felt comfortable with him being there, that he remained in the room. And he was completely supportive of that. The one thing that I would recommend is to make him earn the right to be closer to you. Remember, he tried to fire you as his wife, no matter how much he insists that he didn't. You only owe him what YOU are comfortable with, intimacy-wise.

totallyconfused1 posted 1/16/2014 18:01 PM

Thanks you two, and thanks brohl5 for bumping up those posts. Very informative. Hard to read stuff right now as I don't know all the lingo yet and I keep going back to see what the shortforms mean. LOL

He knows he has a lot of work to do. I told him he needs to find out why he did it and what he needs to do so he isn't that person that is swayed by a pretty face or a nice body. I said maybe the counsellor will determine you can never be faithful, and you need to let me know that so I can move on.

As for those other texts - yes, you are totally making sense. Although last year when I was going for a walk I ran into one of my kids friends' dad (divorced), outside his house. We chatted for about 10 min, then when I was ready to be on my way he told me if I ever wanted to cheat on my dh, to give him a call. WTF?? So, I know you can get offers even if you don't think you are sending out a vibe! The difference is, what's wrong with the person that thinks, oh, ok, maybe... kwim? Wasn't hard for me to say f off creep, why didn't he remember he was married???

We've had some ups and downs the past couple of years, went to counselling once and didn't really follow through with stuff. He said yesterday night that he is such an asshole and he's sorry and that he should have tried harder before when we were having issues. He's got some homework to do from the counsellor and he has another app't scheduled for end of mth. I asked him if they asked about something and he laughed and said, oh, I'm sure we won't get to that until 6 months down the road. Which makes me see that he realizes this isn't a thing he needs to do once or twice to appease me for now. I think rugsweeping was the word I saw to describe what was done previously with all our issues.

I'm still not sure about contacting the OW dh. She told me she found out about her H cheating 2 yrs ago and it still continues. I did some digging and heard that there are rumours about that. So, not sure that will make any changes. Plus, the only way I could contact him is through his work FB. House # is unlisted. But he is a co-owner of the business and she's the secretary. So she may be the one monitoring everything. Also, I don't have the proof. I forwarded the messages to my phone thinking it would show that she was the initial sender, but it didn't. Should have taken pictures. So, if she's full of bs, then she's already covered her tracks in case her h finds out. If she's telling the truth, I don't need to worry about it. Also, I feel like I've still got a card to play if I need it. She knows if she ever contacts my h again, there will be no mercy.

I've worked for a politician for 9 years. I'm fed a lot of bs and I'm very good at weeding out the bad of the lot. I've always had good intuition and am good at reading people. So, I trust my gut .. for now.

Just like I knew something was up in Dec. I just felt it. Which is why I checked the phone. My ws has always left the phone on the kitchen counter and has always let me check it if needed, after that text last year. I've never found anything, and I always count logs too, to see if there is a discrepancy in what's on the counter, compared to the messages. That's how I could tell if some were deleted. And it was always ok, until Dec, when approx. 45 texts in a 4 day period were deleted. Then none missing for about 2 weeks, then those ones I saw.

I do have a co-worker I confided in, who was married to a serial cheater. She read the texts the first day and she was the one to say calm down, this sounds like it's early, it's not gone far.

I do realize the tt can come out, and I did tell him if there was anything else it needs to come out now. I've been wanting him to get counselling for himself for a while. With his job loss, I think he may have a bit of depression. I know it bothers him our roles have changed and that he's not where he expected to be in life, especially when he compares himself to our friends. But it is what it is and he needs to accept that and move on and be happy with what he's accomplished and what he does have. In some weird way I think maybe it was good this happened to snap him into a spot to realize he needs help.

I also realize I could be totally off the wall about this and could be back here saying you were totally right and what an idiot I was. I guess what I'm saying is I'm hopeful, but not stupid, and know that some really bad stuff could come down the pipe. But I know whatever happens I will be ok on my own.

Thanks for the support.

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