Hmmm, fascinating. Thanks for sharing your letters, it's interesting for me to be able to see the communication between two other people addressing similar problems.
My first thought, honestly, was that I wish my H could communicate as clearly and in detail as yours has. My H struggles so greatly with making his words represent his thoughts, that I often miss out on the process, which is what I read in your H's letter back to you.
I will give you my honest thoughts here, but I don't know if you will want to hear any of them - so dismiss if it's off base.
I think that if that letter makes you extremely angry and irritated, that's what it does. For me, I would have that reaction, notice it by myself, and then write about it for a few days to see what happens. For me, the problems I contributed to our M pre-A were, in my opinion, selfishness and self-centeredness. I don't think that ANYTHING I did had ANYTHING to do with the A, and the betrayal of that is something I am still not certain that I can live with.
BUT, what I have taken from this is an immense amount of self-growth. For me, the biggest change I have made is to drop my defensiveness. I might feel like you describe, but then I look at it from a distance, or as I would a friend telling me the story. I actually SEEK out something I'm willing to change about my thought process here, and have been shocked to discover the rewards of such actions. I also tell my H about that process, I let him know that I want to talk about the issue, that I have found some things I can change about my initial reaction, but there are still some concerns for me about his thoughts/words/actions.
For my H, he has never heard me admit wrong like I have been, and it has filtered into every part of my life. Admitting wrong, letting go of a search for feeling vindicated or satisfied with others acknowledging how 'right' I am, has been life changing. I don't want to go back to how I felt after our arguments in the past, it was horrible and I never felt 'finished' with any issue. They always ended with both of us 'needing' to have the other see that we were right, never achieving that, we swallowed our feelings and acted passive aggressively toward each other. It was horrible, and I have no desire to live that way again.
So, when I read your letters, I can see (without knowing him or you, so of course I could be completely wrong) that he is trying to be gentle with his words. He admits in the last sentence that this may be unwanted advice. It appears, to me, like he is trying to communicate and understand. I don't think he quite got it right, but who does always get it right the first time?
I see an opportunity for you to calmly and kindly express your concerns. If I were to discuss this letter with my H, I would begin by thanking him for the parts I appreciate, and let him know about any good feelings they gave me. Then I would let him know that I had some immediate reactions, sat with and (maybe) changed my thoughts on some of them, but that these particular points are still sitting poorly with me,and could he talk more about what he meant.
Hope that something may help in this. I don't know if it's right, but I like who I am right now. A lot. And that is a pretty nice thing to be able to say.