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How soon is too soon?

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Ann124 posted 1/16/2014 08:31 AM

SO and I have been seeing each other for about six months. We live about an hour and a half (one way) away from each other and spend every weekend every day(s) off together, text, email, video chat and talk a great deal on the phone daily.

We've briefly talked about splitting the difference and finding a place in the middle of where we each currently live ... Sometimes I think it is too soon for this conversation and then at other times I think it is prefect timing.

I was just wondering what is the consensus from my SI friends ... I know it all depends on us and our mind set but just curious what others here think?

[This message edited by Ann124 at 8:38 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

damncutekitty posted 1/16/2014 08:35 AM

My SO and I started talking about moving in together when we were at the 6 month mark. But we both had leases on our apartments so we had to wait about 8 more months to actually move.

Dawnie posted 1/16/2014 08:44 AM

My now husband moved in with me 7 months after we met. He lived an hr away and was in a position where he needed to find a new place to live. We were talking marriage and I wanted to live with him to be sure that we were a good fit... that was 3 1/2 years ago and we were married a year later. It worked out wonderfully for both of us.... I have never been happier!

I dont think that there is a "timeline"... follow your gut and if it feels right go for it.

littlefoggy posted 1/16/2014 08:45 AM

In the past, 6 months would have been my "Ok to move in together" point.

Now, when I got a ring on it. Did SO put a ring on it?

PhoenixRisen posted 1/16/2014 09:05 AM

Wow, I must be in the minority because that seems way too fast to move in.
In fact I first interpreted your post as finding a dating spot (restaurant) in the middle rather than apartment -lol!

For me it would be more like dating 1-2 years before thinking about moving in. I'd want to experience a full annual cycle of holidays, birthdays, seasons etc., as a dating couple to really know my partner.
But that's just me (I generally move much slower in relationships than others).

Bottom line: everyone has a different timeline so we each need to do what logically and emotionally feels right for us.

Editted to add: my 1st bf was 1.5 hours away. We dated for 5 yrs that way. 2nd was close for 1 yr then he moved 2,000 miles away & we dated for 2 yrs that way before we moved in.

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 9:08 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

EvenKeel posted 1/16/2014 09:20 AM

I have given up on timelines. I knew my first H a long time and still ended up D'd. My second H was a much quicker timeline with the same results (aka D).

At this point of my life, my driving factors would be the other entities in my life. IE if either (or both) of us have children, etc. Do you have anything like that to factor in?

I am on the other end of the spectrum than littlefoggy.....I might not ever want a ring on it ever again. LOL.


Newlease posted 1/16/2014 10:45 AM

I dated SO for nearly 3 years before moving in with him. We have been living together since October - so far, so good.

I really enjoyed my solo living for 5 years after my D. I had never lived alone before and I found I enjoyed it immensely.

SO and I are currently working on getting me some alone time at home. He is retired so he has every day to himself while I'm at work. He bowls on Sunday nights so I have a 3 hour timeframe to myself every Sunday.

I love being with him, but I was raised an only child and I'm an introvert, so my alone time is very treasured!

NL

heartbroken_kk posted 1/16/2014 13:22 PM

It sounds like you have bonded emotionally and are devoting all your available time for him.

Without commending on actual timing, I would just suggest you consider "what ifs" related to a) moving in together vs b) keeping status quo

How EASY would it be for you to pack up and move? Just the logistical part? Are your possessions compatible with his? Do you have a lifetime's worth of stuff to go through? If you were moving for a job or other life change, how much chaos would it create?

How would this move affect you in other areas of your life? Would you lose connections with friends, family, neighbors, etc. that are important to you? What would it take to adjust your life to the new location?

Ask the same questions for him....

Are you setting yourselves up for chaos, disruption, and stress? Have you tested your relationship with stress yet?

Ann124 posted 1/16/2014 18:33 PM

Thank you all for your posts!

Heartbroken_kk
You pose some very good questions.

"How EASY would it be for you to pack up and move? Just the logistical part? Are your possessions compatible with his? Do you have a lifetime's worth of stuff to go through? If you were moving for a job or other life change, how much chaos would it create?"

It would be "easy" for me to pack up and move. When I first moved back to my home state I thought I would never move from this city again. But I have found after 15 years of being away it has gotten too crowded for my taste. So the location, where we (SO actually suggested) is where I actually grew up and went to HS. So it is like a second home to me. I have already gone through the "life times" worth of stuff before my initial move "home." The only "chaos" will be with my immediate family, my mother mostly, but all my brothers are very supportive in all the decisions I make and I have gotten to the point where I am done with people pleasing and only care to please me. Sounds harsh, but it's time for me to be true to me. As for the answers to these questions from SO ... I will have to ask, as they are very good questions.

As for the rest of your questions: I have to ponder some more and pose these questions to him also ... But I think all will be good.

The reasoning for me to begin this post is I have this "nag" in the back of my mind about "time" more than anything else. I think I can and have been being judgmental of myself. As I have only been D legally since July, physically and mentally for the past three years ... So I sometimes wonder if I haven't given myself enough time.

9.10.11 posted 1/17/2014 07:22 AM

WOW! At the earliest it will be 2 yrs for my SO and I. But we have kids, 2 going to college and I will have one still at home for a couple more years.
Even at the 2yr mark, I don't know if we will live together, I have plenty of time to think about it.

But I am more "old school". There better be a very strong commitment to go to that stage. Or I better have a big enough house so we can get away from each other. lol

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