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The separation boundaries become stricter…and it’s “okay”

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Prayingforhope posted 1/16/2014 08:44 AM

Last MC session for a month and my wife put more boundaries around our separation. Specifically, I am not allowed to write her cards or buy her gifts for the house. For a millisecond I wanted to bitch and moan about more rules or even lay in something like “after all the pain I’ve caused, you won’t even accept a greeting card from me?!?!”

But then I listened to her. I LISTENED TO HER. I LISTENED!!! (I was incapable of listening to her the past 6 years because of the A), and guess what? She’s in an immense amount pain. She is hurting worse than she’s ever hurt in her life and it’s 100% at my hand. I did this and I need to face it.

So guess what? She can’t see me, she can’t talk to me, she can’t receive emails from me, she can barely tolerate one MC session a month with me and NOW, no more greetings cards.

And somehow it’s okay, because if I am honest with myself, I was playing games with the greetings cards. I’m not stupid, she can’t receive emails from me but somehow I think a greeting card is magically different because it involves a ballpoint pen? I was trying to work a loophole as one more example as to how selfish I am and it bit me in the arse. She was hurt by it, I feel stupid doing it, and now we’re set back…

I’m beginning to understand just how many mistakes Waywards make on the insane roller-coaster that follows DDay. Now I don’t see my wife for over a month and the hard work continues on my own…

Kelany posted 1/16/2014 08:51 AM

And somehow it’s okay, because if I am honest with myself, I was playing games with the greetings cards. I’m not stupid, she can’t receive emails from me but somehow I think a greeting card is magically different because it involves a ballpoint pen? I was trying to work a loophole as one more example as to how selfish I am and it bit me in the arse. She was hurt by it, I feel stupid doing it, and now we’re set back…

AWARENESS!!!! Sucks you didn't realize that beforehand, but, at least you do now instead of getting resentful.

My husband tried this tactic on me for a bit too. With flowers. Then wanted a pat on the back every time he brought them to me. I wanted to stomp on them. Flowers weren't going to fix my shattered heart! It was pure manipulation. I resented the hell out of it.

Aren't you glad you didn't bring up sex?

Prayingforhope posted 1/16/2014 09:13 AM

Glad indeed....greeting cards set us back a bit, but a discussion about sex would have derailed the train ALL OVER AGAIN (not that the train is even mildly on the tracks, but you know what I mean...)

Prayingforhope posted 1/16/2014 09:16 AM

OH, and I totally forgot to share something IMPORTANT. She did tell me it was OKAY to make her breakfast in the morning (I get three breakfasts a week with the kids) and to just leave it in the kitchen for her.

This almost made me cry. She actually GAVE me a right to do SOMETHING for her and it will easily be the highlight of my month.

She has every right to simply throw the food I make away, so this was something...and frankly, I've done so much damage I have to take my wins where I can get them...

Kelany posted 1/16/2014 09:33 AM

That is a win!

Scorpio2310 posted 1/17/2014 00:02 AM

Congrats Praying! Sounds like you hit a major milestone. You have helped to really put things in perspective for me. And you also reminded me that I should appreciate the small things that she allows me.

With flowers... I wanted to stomp on them. Flowers weren't going to fix my shattered heart!

My BSO told me something very similar after D-day. I had a hard time understanding why though. I told myself that I had good intentions behind the idea of getting her flowers. That since I knew that she liked flowers and I had hurt her, that if I got her flowers then she might feel a little better.

It was pure manipulation.

^^This^^ was the truth though. I see it now. Clearly. I was still lying at that point... Lying to myself.

Samantha, you are so right. Flower could never undo or fix the pain and broken heart that I had bestowed upon my BSO.

Prayingforhope posted 1/22/2014 10:22 AM

Quick update - I have not broken a single boundary and feel good about that. I stopped myself a least 6 times over the weekend from sending her even text messages. It's amazing how I can convince myself I NEED to send my BS a message (just like I did with the gifts, flowers and cards before) BUT when I ask myself "does this REALLY require contact?" the answer always comes back as "NO". (I actually ask myself now before any contact as a kind of boundary sanity check).

So okay, the toughest month yet is going 'okay' because I'm respecting her boundaries, which means she is safe. This is the goal.

That being said, I wanted to share how sad this situation is. Going through something like this makes me realize (again and again) how much a part of my life my BS was. I used to communicate with her dozens of times a day - little things, big things, work things, stupid things, etc. She's the person I used to share everything with (except the A obviously...) and the loss is noticeable. It's painful. It's sad.

I for one would never have imagined how hard it is to lose someone so special in your life. Not to say they are the same thing, but I now have a glimpse into what a widow must go through when the person closet to you just vanishes from one day to the next. Tough stuff.

standingonmarble posted 1/22/2014 11:37 AM

Its nice to see you are able to put someone else first now in your life.

As unnatural as it feels, it really is a step in the right direction.

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