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Year two

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seenow posted 1/16/2014 10:12 AM

What is it about year 2 that is so hard? I keep reading that it is worse than year one. I am in year one and it is no picnic. What gets worse?

lordhasaplan? posted 1/16/2014 10:28 AM

The marriage starts to settle back in and you deal with the personal fall out more. You move to a place of putting the fire out and realizing you need to start rebuilding the house one brick at a time. You realize that your bleeding out at the same time your trying to put the house together. It was painful, a hard look at the damage done to me personally and starting to really deal with its impacts on me.

blakesteele posted 1/16/2014 10:51 AM

Lordhasaplan appears to be pretty complete in his explanation.....not done with year 2 yet, so I cant say for sure what it was like.

17 months out here.

I dont think I am bleeding out anymore, as lordhasaplan eludes to, but my ribs are sore and I tire more easily....

The storm has passed, the rubble pile is still there. You and your spouse have decided to rebuild in the same neighborhood (NOT get D, which would mean leaving the rubble-filled neighborhood and going your separate ways) and are trying to figure out how to do this.

At times, we have our own wheel barrels and can load and sift through the rubble on our own. Other times, large pieces of debris require both to participate to move. Still other times you need other assistance.....neighbors (marriage friendly folks), professional trades-men like plumbers and electricians (Pastor, therapist) figure out how to rebuild.

The sense of urgency is gone....and I think year 2 can be really different because of this lack of intensity. I am not sure it is more painful so much as this lack of intensity makes you slow down and go "Whoa....this is a LOT of shit to sift through."

Niavely, I thought a couple of months and we would be okay. 17 months, 50 plus therapy sessions, $4k spent on those and counting later....the realization that our house (marriage) was destroyed by the tornado named adultery is no longer anything but reality.

Seenow......"Fear is payment on debt that you have not yet incurred, debt you may NEVER incur." Don't start paying on unacquired debt yet!

If you acquire the debt that you fear you will acquire....address it then....and only then.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:52 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

seenow posted 1/16/2014 11:55 AM

Thanks lordhasaplan? and blakesteele.

I didn't get the opportunity to prepare for Dday and I feel like I need to prepare for what may be down the road in year 2. That may be wrong thinking.

ItsaClimb posted 1/17/2014 00:43 AM

For me Year two has been just as painful as year one so far, only in a completely different way.

Year one the pain was SO intense, SO raw, I felt like my skin was being ripped off. The sense of shock and disbelief were hard to deal with. I lost about a third of my hair and lots and lots of weight. The anger I felt towards WH was violent and quite scary. But then on the other hand, the up-swings on the roller coaster were good, there were a few really good days in amongst all those hideous days. There was the hysterical bonding. There were times I felt genuine, passionate love for my WH. There were days that I felt such hope for us, times I felt very positive about our R.

Year 2 the pain is this constant gnawing ache in my gut, it's relentless, but not as intense as the pain of year 1. It doesn't ebb and flow so much, it's just always there. The reality of my situation is sinking in as the shock and denial of year 1 fades. My hair has grown back (thank goodness!) and the weight is creeping back on (Noooo!) I find I am overly sensitive about everything(I have become a "crier"...movies, TV shows, phone calls..., in the past I NEVER cried), it's like I have been emotionally stripped of my skin and now I am just raw all the time. The saddest thing for me personally is that I don't feel that passionate, genuine, deep, pure love for my WH anymore. I have no doubt I love him, but I don't feelit. I feel sort of meh towards him. As the reality of what he did really takes hold, I find my respect for him has pretty much dried up. It's slowly dawning on me that there is no "magic pill", I am not suddenly going to get over this, the whole sorry mess is not going to miraculously disappear.... THIS is my marriage, THIS is the man I am married to, I can do nothing but deal with it.

HardenMyHeart posted 1/17/2014 02:23 AM

I keep reading that it is worse than year one.

It is different for everyone. For me, year 2 was a breeze compared to year 1.

still-living posted 1/17/2014 04:20 AM

I executed a "flawless" plan for my entire life, one that became more difficult to maintain after Dday, until finally I realized my plan was no longer valid. My history changed me and can never be erased. I needed a new plan with more love and forgiveness, mentoring, learning, accepting, fun, and having new purpose. Accepting this launched me into a zombie state. New purpose, -legacy and protecting the herd, looking forward to grandchildren, work, is bringing me back to life.

Uncertainone the Great made me realize this. Her posts rubbed me hard in the beginning. I miss her posts now.

[This message edited by still-living at 4:21 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

2yrsblind posted 1/17/2014 04:40 AM

For me year 2 marked the end. I didn't like the person I had become in order to stay with her. Most of the anger and dissappointment was gone all that was left was regret, resentment, and oh yeah no love. I had fallen out of love with her a little everyday. I got gaslighted, had TT and at that point I had checked out.

I think part of it is WW's start seeing it as a long time ago and should be more advanced.

seenow posted 1/17/2014 09:25 AM

Thanks everyone. I am just now starting to see this is my life with that heaviness in my gut. With that uncertainty always on the horizon. Knowing no matter what I do or who I am, the world can come crashing down.

It does feel like I am raw. Like the safety bubble (plan) of my life is gone (along with a whole bunch of my hair too Itsa )

My WH is doing the work at least. But I see him with new eyes. I see what I accepted was not a good marriage for years. Like 2yearsblind I didn't like what I was and now have to become something else for me to respect myself.

Calgon.....take me away......

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