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My brothers affair is hurting my marriage .. sort of

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HUFI-PUFI posted 1/16/2014 10:19 AM

I havenít posted anything personal in a while but sometimes things happen that just need to be expressed Ö

My brotherís affair is hurting my marriage. First of all, you have to understand that heís my identical twin brother and that makes this entire situation even stranger (stupider) than usual.

The key to understanding this whole mess is that my brother is also a WS but he canít be considered a FWS because heís not remorseful, he blames his affair on his BS and heí checked out of his marriage for the last 7 years if not longer during his marriage. While he can see that his affair hurt his marriage, he still feels that pre-A issues are the root cause and the post-A issues are not his fault either.

A recent job posting across the country on single status (heís military) gave him the opportunity to live life on his own for the past two years with only occasional visits home to his wife and he really seemed to enjoy that time by himself. After that posting expired and he was back living with his wife, he told me that he had lost any joy in going home at the end of the day and was missing the life he had carved out for himself when he was posted away.

Anyhow, we got the call the other night from the SIL that my twin (letís call him Bob Ė Thatís Brother without Brains) has informed her that he wants a divorce. He is planning on packing and moving this weekend. The SIL says that the news totally blindsided her but LF and I had seen this coming for the past few years.

Their marriage has been one of rolling eyes, sighs, angry discourse or emotional disconnection for the past few years with bitter arguments over his career, the relationship over the step kids, his affair, the lack of sex etc. Hell, LF says that in her conversations with the SIL in the past few years, she had been telling the SIL about the 180 as a tool to strengthen the marriage. Obviously the SIL was in denial too.

The disintegration of his marriage, while not unexpected at one level, has generated a bit of discomfort or anxiety in our own marriage.

After LF hung up the phone, she turned to me and asked me very calmly if I was also planning on leaving her. Now, I immediately reassured her that I was not planning, pre-planning or thinking of anything similar. I told her that I was in love with her and committed to our future. But in her eyes, it just seemed that she was not completely reassured.

With the myriad interconnections and intertwined coincidences between my twin and myself in our lives, I fear that LF canít help but worry that his leaving his wife might be the portent or even the catalyst that destroys our marriage. You have to understand that LF still harbors a worry that if the AP was to show up on the doorstep, that I would not hesitate to leave. I think she worries that if the new bachelor life appears to be positive for BOB, then I might start having second thoughts too.

Hell, at one level, Iím glad that my brother finally made up his mind and has moved forward with a divorce. His marriage was just a farce over the last few years and i know that he was not happy and I canít believe that the SIL was either. I firmly believe that some marriages are beyond reconciliation and that divorce can be a blessing in disguise for some people.

Iím sure that LF would have liked it if I would have declared my brother as not being a friend of the marriage and disowned him years ago but she never asked that of me. Yes, he was complicit in my affair as he was the initial go between back then and his continued friendship with my XAP is still a sticking point but in truth, we rarely see each other (a visit every odd year perhaps) and have lost a lot of the special twin connection over the years. So, Iím 100% confident that his actions are not indicative of my future and I just need to reassure LF that this is the case.

Anyhow, Iím planning on bringing this up in conversation this evening and I hope that our talk will help reassure LF that my brotherís actions are not an indication or omen of my future actions. The consequences of affairs, even if they are not our own, are so far reaching. Sigh.


A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person - Unknown

MovingUpward posted 1/16/2014 10:27 AM

My brothers affair is hurting my marriage .. sort of

It looks like your brother's affair brought an issue LF buried to the surface. Take this as an opportunity for her to heal through an issue that she hadn't yet. I suspect that as you and LF work through this your M will emerge stronger.

Kelany posted 1/16/2014 10:32 AM

Have you considered going NC with your brother on your own accord as a proactive reassurance to your BW since he is not a FotM?

Keep reassuring, comforting, and loving her.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 1/16/2014 17:10 PM

My brotherís affair is hurting my marriage

Ok HUFI, you know this but I'm going to remind you anyway. Your brother isn't hurting your M. You hurt your M. Your brother is triggering feelings that still need to be dealt with in your M. If you had never had an A do you think LF would ask you that just because you are twins? Or did she have this feeling because of your own actions in the past? I'm clarifying because I don't want you trying to put her feelings onto your brother. Make sure you continue to own why she feels the ways she does.

But talk to her. Continue to show her how much you love her. Time will pass and she will still see you there! She will probably want/need a little extra reassurance at this time. But if I know you, you are in for the duration. Deep down she probably knows that too, but there will be times she needs that little extra.

silverhopes posted 1/17/2014 04:07 AM

Everyone else made some really good points.

Now that these issues are coming forward, this is an important time to address them:

1) How will you address LF's fears that you would leave her for the AP if the AP were to return?

2) Your brother wasn't a friend of your marriage or his own. Does his presence trigger LF? How can you honor solidarity of your own marriage in the presence of someone who condoned and aided your affair?

3) Does LF have other fears and triggers that she is struggling with right now?

longroadhome posted 1/17/2014 11:49 AM

You know the answer HUFI...she's triggering and the fact that its your twin, well, I can't even imagine how that spins things for her. It could almost feel to her like she's watching you file for D because twins tend to be so alike. Just a guess. I really don't know much about twins.

Anyhow, Iím planning on bringing this up in conversation this evening and I hope that our talk will help reassure LF that my brotherís actions are not an indication or omen of my future actions.

This is the best thing to do. Address this together and you'll resolve it together.

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