Mother,
I need you to know some things. Things that I've kept inside for a long time. Things that happened in my life, that impacted me in a very negative way. I need to get it off my chest. You were part of that process. And yes, I'm a sorta normal, functioning adult. But I was not spared from hurts, disappointments, or hang-ups.
When my sister and I were playing one day, she said something about no sex. All I knew was that sex produced children. I popped off at the mouth, "Then you don't have kids!" It started an argument. You were painting in the dining room, took a break, and we sat in the floor as you told me a very, very basic, "A woman has three holes, the middle is the baby maker. A guy has a...their bodies are different. His body goes into the middle hole and that's how babies are made." I was about 8 years old. And we wouldn't have another talk about sex or feeling or anything for several years.
I discovered how boys were different from me when my brother was born and I started changing his diapers. I was 9 1/2. Oh. So *that* is why guys pee standing up. *That* is what makes them different. You insisted that my sister and I call my brother's equipment a "little boy thing". I honestly cannot remember when I found out a man's junk is called a penis. I do know for a fact, you never told me that bit of information.
Around the same age, you gave me a book about periods that had very basic pencil drawings in it. I learned what a period was. The anatomy charts were very simplistic. You told me when I got my period, you'd get me pads. I asked about the tampons mentioned in the book. You got a funny look on your face and said, "Ewww, you don't want to use tampons. You're a virgin. You don't want to damage your body in anyway. You need to save yourself for you future husband." I took what you said as gospel. But seriously, how many women have you personally met that lost their virginity to a tampon?
When I was 13, I was at the library one day. I saw a book laying on the table with a pictures of a beautiful woman in the arms of an Adonis. The title, which I can't remember now, caught my attention. I started skimming thru the book. I turned a page close to the middle, and bam. A sex scene. I remember slamming the book shut and looking around in shame. Seeing I was in the clear and that no one was around me, I opened the book back. The curiosity was killing me. What was the hype? What was the big deal? And that is where I learned how sex happens. And that is also where I learned there were parts of my anatomy that worked in what seemed to be beautiful ways. There were creative names the book used. Somehow, even though it was foreign to me, it didn't seem "too" evil. What I was reading is what two people who love each other do, right?
I remember going home, waiting till bedtime, and when I was positive the entire house was dark and asleep, practicing on myself under the covers, what I had read in the book. Did it many nights. I still couldn't fully understand all of what I was doing. After all, it was a romance book. Not a science book. All I know is, it felt good, and I slept very well afterwards.
It was also around this time when I went hiking with friends and found a page from a "dirty magazine". That was my first images of "real" men and women's bodies. It wasn't in an anatomy book in the safety of my home, with a mother who explained sexual differences. It was a smutty page in a magazine in the mountains. The women were beautiful. And I knew in that moment that I would never, ever be as beautiful as them.
All this happened around the same time I got my period. My body was awakening. I was feeling things I never dreamed possible. My body felt out of control. Hormones were raging, my face was broken out, my hair was greasy, I developed curves, my world was falling apart and coming together, all at once. This is when Dad started acting all weird on me. He wouldn't touch me like he used to anymore. Seemed almost angry or resentful.
Dad started pushing me so much harder. Expecting more out of me. He got me a job in the big city. I worked 40 hours a week at 15-16 years old. Coming home so tired at night, trying to finish my schoolwork. It was at this job that I discovered more. My coworkers were wild. My manager was having an affair with a man she met online in a chat room. One day I logged into a chat room to see what it was all about. Being a 16 year old, I chose an obviously girly name. I wasn't there 10 seconds and I had people coming at me. A man sent a private message. We started talking. I was young and naive. And honest. I'm 16. He started asking very personal questions. What my body looked like, how many boys I'd been with. I shouldn't have answered him. But I craved attention, affection, something. And that is how I learned what cyber sex was. And how I learned way more colorful names of my (and his) anatomy. I know today that if the man was really the 33 years old he stated, I was jail bait and he could have gotten in a crapton of trouble. A 33 year old man, saying what he did to a 16 year old girl. It makes me sick today. I wish I could hug the 16 year old, confused me.
One day at work, an hour from home, I started my period unexpectedly. A coworker handed me...a tampon. She said, "It's all I got. Use your imagination." I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom, looking at the tampon, in turmoil, not knowing how exactly how to use it, scared it would take my virginity away, but knowing if I didn't do something, I would bleed out on my clothing. I ended up burying the tampon in the bottom of the trash bin and rolling up paper towels as a makeshift pad. I then spent the rest of the day going to the bathroom every 15 minutes because I was scared I would bleed thru.
I knew juuuust enough about sex, but not all of it. I didn't know pregnancy prevention methods other than the pill, which I was put on because my period were weird and abnormal. I did not know exactly how a woman's cycle worked and that there were windows of time where pregnancy occurred. I did not know what a condom was, where to get it, how to put it on. I did not know about diaphragms, spermicides, the rhythm method, or anything else.
When I got engaged, I thought for sure you would give me more info. I waited for months. Not a word. I made the trip to the bookstore alone and bought a book about sex. Read it cover to cover. And it all made sense to me. Certain acts, positions, methods of birth control, you name it. It was in there. You finally approached me a month before my wedding and said you were going to get me something to explain all the ins and outs of sex. I'll never forget the expression on your face when I announced, "Too late. I already got a book and know everything I need to know." You asked to see it. I showed it to you. You said you felt it was a very informative book but that there were some things in there "we just don't do." and handed it back. You didn't explain what "we don't do".
You tried in your own way to protect me. But it backfired in an incredibly bad way. Because of your own life experiences and shame, you wouldn't share information with me. You sidestepped hard conversations because of your own discomfort. I learned what a man looks like, what a woman looks like, about kissing, hand jobs, blow jobs, dicks, cocks, pussies, and c*nts from other people. I learned my experiences from the internet, from fantasy books, from my own experiences. All the while, feeling shameful. Because sex is dirty. Touching ourselves is dirty. We just don't talk about those things. You taught me shame, discomfort, and even self-consciousness of my own body.
I didn't enjoy sex to the fullest, completely guilt free, till recently. I learned after almost losing my marriage, just how physical and emotional intimacy really work. I learned it how I learned everything else important in my life. By myself. By doing the work alone. I have a relationship with a wonderful man that I never dreamed possible. He knows everything about me. I know everything about him. We have an emotional connection that quite frankly, still takes my breath away. My physical relationship? Completely different. It first started out after Dday in a panic. I would do anything and everything to show my husband how sorry I was for my actions. I was desperate to save our marriage. But then something wonderful and unexpected happened. I realized that I was really allowed to do these things with my husband. And I was allowed to enjoy it. I can be a whore in the bed with him, and it's totally ok.
And since you're all religious, I can say this. It's even scriptural! There are verses everywhere, even a whole book (Song of Solomon) that supports this. You came to my house one day and was shocked to see a canvas of a Bible verse on my bedroom wall. "Be thou ravished always in my love". It's part of Proverbs 5:19 KJV. Have you ever read the whole verse Mother? Or the verse before it?
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
I can assure you, the breast reference is not targeted to a child. It's to a man. And his lover. My husband was reading his Bible one day shortly after Dday. Those verses got him thru some dark days. And they were key in my awakening that I was "allowed" to enjoy sex with my husband. And that is why that portion of scripture is on my bedroom wall. Because it means a great deal to my husband and I. It is a daily reminder for both of us of where we've come from, and how far we we have walked.
Thank you Mother. Thank you for showing me how not to address body issues and sex with my children. As incredibly hurtful as my life has been, I know what I will not do with my children. I will not hide. I will not be ashamed. My children will be informed. And they will know, before the world can influence them, how things work. And they will not be ashamed. My children will be proud of their bodies. I will not tell them, "I don't know where you go those curves. I sure don't look like that." I will not vaguely tell them, "We don't do certain things." or "You will loose your virginity by using tampons". I will give them current, informative, researched facts on their bodies and sex. Because as a human being, they have the right to know. I will not allow my comfort or discomfort inhibit my ability to have the hard and difficult talks. They will be empowered. They will be healthy. Just like their mother.
Aubrie