SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

dovetool posted 1/16/2014 12:38 PM

My whole story is on my profile.

I just can't seem to get past it all. I feel like I'm waiting for yet another shoe to drop. My WH and I seperated in Jan 2012 after D-Day 1 and got back together with him pleading and promising me that hed be honest. Well he hasnt cheated... but Sept 2012 I found out who the OW really was (was someone I knew really well) and how long it really went on. It crushed me and he told me that I wouldnt have taken him back if I had known the truth. Should have been my decision right?

Fast forward to 9/2013. Find out about three other women in the past. It was happening through out our "perfect" marriage.

Well from when we got together he has been an open book. I have password and access to everything. He works from home and rarely steps out alone. He's in individual counsiling. He's been a better husband than he has ever been in the past. All over me, complements me everyday, helps me with every chore, takes me out, acknowledges everything I do, patient as can be when I fly off the handle or rant about the affairs... the list goes on.

Whats wrong with me? Why can't I let it go 2 years out? I'm unhealthy, dont eat well, drink lot more than I should. I'm angry and resentful. This can't be healthy. Shouldnt I be over it by now? I think about it every single day, several times a day! I thought it was supposed to get better. I want it to work out but 10 years of bad history. The things I thought were our high moments just revealed to be fake.

Just feeling down and deflated.

iamsurviving posted 1/16/2014 13:44 PM

I am 6 years out and still in Recovery/Reconciliation. Anger creeps in a lot of the times. WH is going to CR (Celebrate Recovery for sex addiction and a men's support group) as well. WH is out 2 nites a week and it has been very difficult. Class will last one year - we are 6 months into classes now and every week I listen to what WH says he talked about in class - and unfortunately most times we wind up in argument and we never argued before his 2 PA/1 EA. You are not crazy - follow your heart - read the books and articles, keep posting and don't be afraid to post exactly how you feel - there are many of us in here who can relate exactly to what you are going through. Hang in there - God will make a way - don't put a time limit on it - I read somewhere that "when you can think about what happened and it doesn't conjure up the pain and the sadness and the anger that is once had.........you know you are healed. God bless you. I'm sorry for your pain.

million tears posted 1/16/2014 13:49 PM

IMO you are not really 2 years out if you found out about other affairs in 9/2013. Give yourself time to heal from these new discoveries.

notquiteoverit posted 1/16/2014 13:50 PM

You are definitely not crazy. What you are going through is very normal. I'm almost 3 years out, and it still affects me every day. There is a lot of anger, I still spy on OW, etc. And, it did affect my health. Infidelity takes a toll. Have you done any counseling?

cl131716 posted 1/16/2014 13:53 PM

I agree with milliontears. TT and new D-days set you back. It may have been in the past but you just found out. It's new to you.

LoveActually posted 1/16/2014 14:08 PM

((Dove))

There is nothing wrong with you--you're emotions are totally normal. I'm 4.5 years out and it still hurts when I let it creep in. There is nothing more painful than being betrayed in my opinion. It takes a long time to feel good again--healing is a tough road. Try focusing on you--baby steps. Go for a walk, join a gym, get a pedicure, make one meal you eat a healthy one--start somewhere. I remember when I first found out--everyday was like ground hog day--I was in a very dark place. I had to break the cycle for me--I was so tired of being mad or sad--I wanted my life back. Just mild exercising alone can really help with the stress and blah energy. Anything you can do to change it up will be helpful. You have suffered a tremendous shock to your life. Don't be hard on you--be good to you--make it all about you right now. Hugs.

mepe27 posted 1/16/2014 14:18 PM

I am in a similar situation to you, although it's been much longer. I found that the A's went back further and I found more details after R had started and it was a huge blow to R. What I needed to do was focus on our marriage now, after d-day once R had started. I do understand why he didn't spill everything, we've talked about it, he was ashamed and he was scared and half the stuff, early on, he didn't even want to admit to himself. He was constantly afraid that if he told me one more bad thing he'd done, that would be it and I'd leave so he was afraid all the time. I can totally see that, i'm not justifying it, b/c trickle truth is more painful than a WS will ever know but I get it.

So I feel like when I agreed to R with my H, I agreed to work thru the pain and heal our marriage with him, that means I can't keep throwing the A in his face, we've talked it out, using it as a weapon is not an option, it's not healthy. So when I feel upset I need to talk it out with him, not in an accusatory way but in a I could use your support way. Lastly, I think 80% of a BS's healing is done on our own preferably with a good IC. an A brings up so many personal issues, it sort of breaks a BS and the only person that can put the pieces back together is ourselves. You are struggling with all of this and your H can't fix it, he's doing all he can to help you heal, it sounds like, now you have to face this pain your feeling and walk thru it so you can move forward. It's not about getting over it, it's about getting through it. I had to face insecurity, I had to face rage at OW/best friend, I had to reavaluate my belief system!! My whole world was shifted and I needed to make peace with that on my own.. I think thats where you are now, it's time for you to focus on healing yourself and finding your peace so that you can start working together to make the marriage you both seem to want now. It can be done.

dovetool posted 1/16/2014 14:59 PM

I suppose I should get an individual counsler. I'm just so embarrassed to have to face someone and tell them what my husband did. I'm more embarrassed to say I've stayed with him. I hate myself for staying. I can't find a justification as of the present to kick him out. It all has to do with the past.

I think the resntments been worse since he broke his leg. I'm doing everything for him. And I remember being alone and going through radiation when I was sick because he had left me for her. I remember being sick and having to still run around for my boys or having my son hold my hair up as I got sick. I get so angry! I want to go and have a revenge affair while he needs me. I'm so angry... at him but mostly at myself.

Why should I do anything for him now? Where was he during the time I needed him most? Oh thats right getting laid.

I'm just having a hard time. Going from anger to sadness so quickly. I'm fuming one second and crying the next. I thought I was moving forward but its just seeming like recovery has just pushed it self further away.

LA44 posted 1/16/2014 15:36 PM

I suppose I should get an individual counsler. I'm just so embarrassed to have to face someone and tell them what my husband did. I'm more embarrassed to say I've stayed with him. I hate myself for staying

((dovetool))..I don't know how anyone gets through an A w/o an IC to be honest. This shit is hard enough and then to go at it w/o a professiona sounding board? And you have already endured a trauma with your illness. Of course you are angry and sad!

I'm unhealthy, dont eat well, drink lot more than I should.

So to answer your question. No. You are not crazy but you are hurting yourself. Please get some help.

LA

iamsurviving posted 1/16/2014 19:17 PM

LA44 - I have not been through counseling either - and I'm 67 y/o. Like Dovetool - it's embarassing and I just can't find myself sitting down and going through this with anyone but thank God for people like you and SI - you are our counseling. God bless all here. Dovetool - hang in there - you can make it - my H has disappointed me so many times but we are trying to keep it together - hard road but you can do it - like someone said it's not getting over it - it's getting through it.

sisoon posted 1/17/2014 07:32 AM

It all has to do with the past.

Not exactly - you have feelings about his As and dishonesty right now, in the present.

First, if his As add up to a deal breaker, you have every right to D.

More important, since you're unhappy with yourself, I think IC is important. IC is confidential - you spill your guts, but it doesn't go very far. The payoff with a good IC is well worth the effort.

Right now you hate yourself for R'ing, you question your decisions, you treat yourself badly - IC can cure all that.