Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: boundaries for both BS and WS
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When FIL died we got some money and started working with a financial planner. BS and his sister met with her in the state where FIL lived after he died. She is a very friendly woman, she took them for lunch, offered her condo to them to stay at, etc. Many texts back and forth, phone calls, etc., some involving me when he got back home.

She came to our home to go over some things with us and was again, very friendly to both of us. She seemed a little too friendly to H, but I took it as their familiarity from their having met a couple of times before.

He's in touch with her regularly, as we set up some financial things, and he's the money guy in our family. Her DD got sick and I guess she told him when they spoke around Christmas. I texted her because it was pretty serious, sending good thoughts and prayers, etc.

Last night H gets a text after he went to bed at around 9:45 and I see it's from her with a pic of her DD and a car. I didn't even read it.

I mentioned it to H today and he said, 'Oh yeah, she told me she got her DD a new car after she recovered from her illness'. I said, 'Do you think it's appropriate that she's sending you pics of her daughter?' He said, 'I don't know, it's not really anything'. Then he said, 'Don't people ask about our kids and you talk to them about them?' and I said, 'Yes, but I wouldn't send them a picture. An old guy at work just asked me about DD and I told him she's doing great but I'm not about to text him a pic of her'. Then H went, 'Oh...yeah, I guess you're right'. Kind of like an a-ha moment for him.

I find it eye-opening how easily and subtly the boundaries can be stripped away without us even realizing it. I've become super-vigilant, and I am in no way worried about H and this woman. I just wanted him to be aware that this was happening, and how subtle it was.

I do have my eye on her though. She needs to back off a little bit. And I'm going to ask H not to respond to her when she texts about personal things.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AN & LD)))

I'm really glad you two talked about it...you both are such dear, dear people

I'd keep my eye on her too


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198879 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd keep my eye on her too

Hell, yeah. And H is a good catch and rather clueless when it comes to that so...I'm on it .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he's so cute!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198879 | Registered: May 2002
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to ask H not to respond to her when she texts about personal things.
That is a good idea. Yeah, that is way out of bounds, imo, sending pictures of her DD, and at 9:45 PM. Who does that shit? Would a male financial planner be doing that with your WH? I would be interested to know if she sent your SIL the same picture.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:32 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hold myself to the same standards as I do my WH. If it's innappropriate for him, then, it is for me as well.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I
would be interested to know if she sent your SIL the same picture.

That's what I was thinking. She doesn't even have the time zone change to account for the late text either! Her boundaries are definitely fuzzy...makes me worry about her math.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be interested to know if she sent your SIL the same picture
I doubt it because my SIL is dealing with complications from her breast cancer surgery and has been anti-social (due to just having so much on her plate) for a year now. She interacts the bare minimum with the planner and mostly goes through her brother to get things clarified, or her H deals with the planner. I'm pretty sure BIL did not get that text.

She lives in Cali, but still, not cool. Forgot to mention, she calls H to discuss a lot of things when she's running on her treadmill. Totally unprofessional.

I do want to add that she handled FIL's money for many years and made him a lot of money so she knows her shit.

She's single, btw. Not that it matters, as we all know.

Thanks for reinforcing that H and I need to be vigilant about this (and all our boundaries). Makes me feel like I'm not being a WS blameshifter or overreacting.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
Clarrissa
♀ 21886
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AN, I don't see it as you being a *F*WS blameshifter, I see it as you seeing her behavior for what it is... since you exhibited that behavior yourself, once upon a time.

Also, now your H can understand (a little) just how slippery that slope is and how a person can find themselves on it without realizing it.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5896 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Clarrissa.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy WTF!

That is so strange.

I would never send a photo of my child to a work associate, that's odd.


But then this made me go hmmmm

I've become super-vigilant, and I am in no way worried about H and this woman.

I think you and I and our sitch's are similar so I see alot of you and LD's healing in ours. I feel the same way about my H, I don't worry about him being inappropraite, but sometimes they don't see inappropriate and I wonder if we are that much more in-tuned or are we just more suspicious?
Do we trust less? Just a wonder...

Does that make sense?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a strange work associate relationship. She develops personal relationships with her clients (because she wants our money to invest so she can make money!). She sends us pies and hams on the holidays. She offers her clients time at her condo in Florida. When she came here she took us for dinner.

Maybe I do trust less. I know I trust him but I don't take anything for granted. Maybe I'm afraid because life is very good right now.



Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending pies and Ham's are one thing, my husband gets beer, cakes, free meals from work associates.

Personal pictures about their kids, not so much.

She needs to learn where to draw the line.

I know I trust him but I don't take anything for granted. Maybe I'm afraid because life is very good right now.

I understand.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
silverhopes
♀ 32753
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's definitely a good thing to be mindful of boundaries! It sounds like you are tuned in to them, and I hope your H will be as well. Respectfully and gently, if I recall rightly you two are MHers? Have his boundaries been pretty strong and this was one thing that kind of slipped under the radar for him? Or does he have trouble recognizing when certain boundaries are being crossed? During his A, were the boundaries crossed subtly in the beginning as well?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:10 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3921 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our realtor is also very friendly. But, she sends ME the pictures of her kids... (Or a card addressed to both of us). She develops a relationship with all of her clients... But she never texts. She is very mindful of boundaries.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
2yrsblind
♂ 41974
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, that whole "I trust you, but not her" is kinda a copout if you ask me. If you truly trusted him, what she does shouldn't matter.

I think maybe its because its how you fall into what happened in the past. Is it fair for you to step in? Sure you say I'm protecting my marriage and making it known that the lines can be blurred.

I say trust 100% til you have reason not to. Just my opinion, maybe its not worth much.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes silverhopes, madhatters. His boundaries have been very strong, this one did kind of just slip under the radar. Which I can totally relate to because I did it a couple of months ago, in oblivion, not realizing that I was disrespecting marital boundaries (I posted about a guy FB friend requesting me and I messaged him back and started a conversation). It was an eye opener.

Steadfast, that's a good point. I would think nothing of it if she was sending me the pic. And I opened the door to it when I texted her awhile ago sending good wishes for her daughter when she was ill yet she still chose to send it to my H.

2years, I disagree. It's a matter of respecting the M, even if one never cheats. "Never given a reason not to trust"? Well, my H and I have both been given huge reasons not to trust each other in the past. We are choosing to trust now, and we behave in trustworthy ways, but keeping this woman (or anybody) outside the walls of the M is important. And if either of us has been neglectful in recognizing this, it's worth examining, IMO.

And no, she doesn't matter. But I won't have her thinking she can be texting my H pics of her daughter with a friendly, casual message attached at 10:00 at night is okay.


[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:19 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsblind
♂ 41974
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, sorry did know the MH thing. In that case I guess you have cause.

I'm from a different school, I trust 100%. I was all in with my exWW. We tried to R, well honestly I didn't try. For me if I can't go all in then I'm all out.

With my second wife I'm back to 100%. I fell no matter how much gas I keep in the helicopter I can't hover enough to prevent infidelity so why hover at all. I know kinda odd coming from a former BS.

One day I will tell you all my story.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, sorry did know the MH thing. In that case I guess you have cause.
It's okay . Either way, I still think the same rules apply to both, though.

With my second wife I'm back to 100%. I fell no matter how much gas I keep in the helicopter I can't hover enough to prevent infidelity so why hover at all. I know kinda odd coming from a former BS.
Our attitude is the same. There is no hovering. Now it's just rebuilding the M, transparency and truth, and communicating well.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38707 | Registered: Sep 2007
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that whole, I trust him but not her thing... She does matter. I listened to that whole "Regardless of her motives, I trust him." That ended with an NC letter, after a 3 month EA... Slopes become slippery when even one of the parties have loose boundaries. It doesn't matter how far we are into R, people like that have no business in our lives.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.