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Ok so it is all coming out. He found the spyware..got really mad. I hung up and texted the OW. Now I cant breathe and I am shaking uncontrollably

Is this the one who texted him that she hadn't thrown him under the bus? Did she come clean with you?
Breathe, stay calm.

When my wife found out I hacked her email she was so angry I didn't trust her.

Of course I didn't trust her. There was a damn good reason why I did not trust her.

Do not let him turn this aground on you. Get angrier. "Yes I damn well did it and I'm going to keep right on doing it until I finally get the truth out of you."

He has no idea how long its been there. For all he knows its been there for months or years. You can use this to your advantage.

Stay strong.

Keep your cards close. Let him do most of the talking.

You are in the drivers seat cbrum84.

When my husband found the spyware on his phone were I listen to a whole 45min conversation of him orchestrating the lies he would tell to get away to the DR he took the phone and smashed it in front of me to intimidate me. So I proceeded to play the conversation on surround sound throughout the apartment. He put his hands over his hears and acted like a 3 year old while I kept calling all are in laws and informed them of what a lying sack of sh** he is.

He has no right to be angry with you. he broke your trust. He broke his vows. He showed you he can't be trusted and you were doing what you need to do to protect yourself.

I don't suppose he mentioned the text from OW from earlier today?

No?

He is using his anger to distract you from what is really going on. He is going to tell you what you did was worse than him,etc. He is going to try and make you feel bad. DO NOT LET HIM. He has been having an affair. He didn't block OW from his phone. He didn't tell you OW texted him earlier.

He is angry because you're not just rolling over and saying "ok." He is scared all of this is going to come out and he is angry he is about to be exposed. He is angry that he won't be able to eat cake any longer.

Forget texting the OW. Call her SO. Do it now. Do not tell your WH that you are going to do it. I will bet SO already knows something, but OW explained it away as "nothing"..or as indicated in her text..she blamed it all on your WH...hhmm..sound familiar? Your WH blamed all of this on her.

Do not let him make you feel bad. if you do, he will see that he can use his anger to manipulate you.

Put your bitch boots on. You tell him YOU are angry. And that he can either get real or get gone. I know that is scary, but your alternative is far worse.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:28 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

I know! Be strong! But she is blowing me off saying she doesnt have time to text. I can meet her later. I CANT meet her. I am so angry (no admission of guilt), but I do not know what I would do. I feel like I am failing at this. I tried to be strong, but I am loosing my cool!

She says I have misunderstood. They were just friends and now he will not talk to her.

Im guessing she can't text you because she is with her SO..or talking with your WH trying to get their story straight.

You didn't misunderstand anything...your husband told you they had been texting and it was inappropriate.

She is lying and trying to cover her ass..and your WH's ass.

Do not meet her. She could be dangerous. no time to text but wants to meet in person? Hell NO!

Oh..and the "now he won't talk to her" bullshit? That's so you will think he is being good and not talking to her. She is a walking cliche.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:41 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Stop playing there game and start having them play your game. This is the only way you will save your marriage. Your husband is lying and you being nice isn't going to get you the truth. Inform this OW's husband/SO. When someone says "I didn't throw you under the bus" it means " I didn't tell your wife/husband we have been f-ing aka having an affair".

I would never care if my WH read my email. I had nothing to hide. My phone did not even have a passcode until 6 days ago. Always left my computer up.

If they are getting pissed it's because they still have something to hide.

Sorry...

I will check this thread in the morning. Im hoping you have checked in by then and you are ok.

Stay strong..and if you can't...that's ok too. We understand. and we will help pick you back up off the floor.

((((cbrum84))))

How are you today?

She says I have misunderstood. They were just friends

I've heard that line before. She won't give you any answers. Don't believe a word she says because chances are they have already talked and formulated a story to tell you. It's always easy to tell when they do this. Their stories will sound exactly the same, almost word for word. One way I knew WH had talked to OW before the first NC letter was sent was because they both used the term "talking smack". When I confronted him he said they were only talking smack and it was nothing. Lo and behold when he sent her an e-mail for me to see and she wrote back (pretending she didn't know) she said the exact same thing. "I apologize, I was just talking smack. It was nothing." They weren't even using the term correctly! Dumbasses! This is why I don't confirm stories through other women.

Things did not go well yesterday. I stayed strong. But it was not easy. He never replied to her text. When talking to her I was obviously uspset at first, so I was not being very nice, but I then tried to have her understand where I was coming from. That didnt work either. I know it is stupid to believe, but I do believe that nothing pyhsical happened. I have looked at the proof. But that does not change the fact that something did happen emotionally. He said he would begin to look for another job, and he also said he was going to call our pastor today and see if he could meet with us. I am just so embarrased. I feel so worthless. And believe me I have told him all this. I have yelled and cried, and looked sternly in his eyes and told him if he doesnt do what is neccessary to make this marriage work I will leave. Everytime I open my mouth I feel like a crazy person. He doesnt know how this feels. And I know its wrong, but I hate her, because I cant hate him. Does that make any sense. He and my children are my world. We have gone through so much together. I held him in my arms when his sister died, I have suppported him in his decisions. I cant let this man go

Hang in there! You've done nothing wrong. He has. And I guess I'm part of the minority when it comes to BSs. I hated my husband for what he's done. He's an adult. He made a clear decision. He's accountable. She didn't marry me, he did. He made sacred vows. He broke them. I do think she's an immoral piece of crap for doing what she did and continued to do it after Dday1 and Dday2. I can't wait for Karma to kick her ass and make her suffer like I have. I know she'll get what she deserves. I just hope it's sooner than later. Getting hit by a bus would do the trick.

I heard my H on the phone last night talking to his cousin and he told him that he told me everything. I heard him say he cant loose me and I heard him cry. For the first time these last 5 days he actually showed emotion. I listened to their conversation and almost felt good to hear him so hurt.

They were just friends

but I do believe that nothing pyhsical happened. I have looked at the proof. But that does not change the fact that something did happen emotionally

Hmmmm...they are just friends and they just talk. And probably confide in each other. THAT is an EA and leads to physical. It is a good thing that you found out before it got to that.

He said he would begin to look for another job, and he also said he was going to call our pastor today and see if he could meet with us

Good start!!! At least he is showing some initiative to save your marriage. Good job on the detective work, it looks like it could be paying off. You might want to inform your H about the Wayward Side here on SI. He might get some help there too. Stay strong!!!!!

I cant let this man go

Unfortunately, honey, you may have to--or at least be prepared to--in order to save yourself. Is he worth more than you? (((cbrum)))

I listened to their conversation and almost felt good to hear him so hurt.

People that do these things are hurting believe it or not. In the end, they are usually hurt worse than we do because they have to live with the guilt and regret for what they have done if they have the emotional capacity to do so.