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Why is it hard to let go?

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norabird posted 1/16/2014 15:50 PM

When someone has proved they'd rather lie and manipulate and be selfish instead of caring for you, and willfully behave in hurtful ways despite paying constant lip service to remorse and change, why is it so hard to get the heart and the longing for the 'safe' old (but false) feeling of love when your head knows it's a painful dead end and delusion?

Just had a second revelation from my exWBF and while objectively I know it's the nail in the coffin, I have an almost compulsive foolish urge to reach out and ask for an apology, for love; inviting him to hurt me again and to give me more lies! I thought I was smarter than this and it's awful to not feel powerful and able to succeed in going NC. Is it just one day at a time, like AA, and accepting the weakness of your own desires while trying not to give in to them?

nowiknow23 posted 1/16/2014 16:13 PM

The absolute best medicine is detachment - NC as much as possible - and refocusing on self. That can be much easier said than done, however. After all, you've made an investment in this relationship. It's hard to stop throwing energy and time at it to try to salvage what you've already invested, even when you know that you need to. That effort is far better invested in YOU.

Baggage reclaim is a blog that has some great posts about detaching and moving on. If you don't already read there, you might want to give it a shot.


4everfaithful83 posted 1/16/2014 16:24 PM

Sorry you're here! You are definitely right that its hard to let go! It sucks when the person you love and trusted is suddenly not who you thought they were. I agree with nowiknkow23 though. NC and concentrate on yourself!

Kitty70 posted 1/16/2014 19:17 PM

I grapple with this daily. I lived it for most of my 9 year relationship. When I get 'that lovin' feeling' and feel despair, I try to remember the awful stuff he did behind my back. And I think of the weight that's been lifted off my shoulders by letting go. It's freeing.

norabird posted 1/16/2014 21:07 PM

@Kitty70 -- Trying to remember the specifics and get some anger going about that would probably be useful...god knows there's enough material!

PRNDL posted 1/16/2014 21:15 PM

Im in your exact shoes! Its horrible!! Horrible!! I wish she would just leave me for once and get it over with. 3 d-day later over a span of 6 months and im still in limbo.

I feel for u

jemimapd posted 1/16/2014 21:26 PM

My D Day was over a year ago and I was divorced from my WH two months ago. I struggle with this and I have to have some contact because we have a daughter together.

It gets easier. I actually have started writing a star on my daily planner for days when I have no contact. I only text or email if essential.

I loved my husband very much. I thought we would be together always. I had no idea of what he was up to. So it is the loss of a dream, a shared past some of which was very happy, a partner. I honestly think that for me 2014 will be the year of letting go of the past and focusing 100% on me.

It is also mixed in with healing from the trauma of the betrayal and lies. I still have days when I feel absolutely exhausted. But it does get less and less painful!

peoplepleaser posted 1/17/2014 06:14 AM

I'm having the same problem. I think I don't want to believe that the relationship we had, what I thought was the live if a lifetime, was all a big lie. WS was never truly open, honest and genuine with me, and I feel a fool fur strutting around thinking I had it so great and wishing others had it as good as me someday. Obviously I never knew who I had fallen for. It's very painful and very sad. Sorry any of us have to be here.

hopefullromantic posted 1/17/2014 10:21 AM

Why is it so hard? Because you're human.


mof2 posted 1/17/2014 12:18 PM


Something my therapist had me do is write down a list of all the bad things that my ex had done and all his bad traits. When you feel like contacting him, look at that list. Understand that he doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to have you contact him. NC is definitely the best thing you can do to help yourself heal. If you contact him, there will be words said or written that will hurt you and prolong the pain. And keep looking back on SI and the advice people have given you. PLEASE focus on YOU!!!! Do not prolong the pain by contacting him.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/18/2014 00:00 AM

oh NoraBird, it just takes a little time for the heart to catch up with the head. But it does.

Maybe look into mindfulness as a way to cope with those urges to call and connect..... and definitely recommend NC. If you don't go NC you will just cause yourself more pain, but sometimes we seem to need to keep going back again and again until our heart finally understands that it can't get what it wants from a person.

I hope you can resist that as it will save you pain. Sorry that you are hurting so much!!!

whereismylove posted 1/18/2014 22:16 PM

This is a huge problem, I mean a huge problem for me. I am ashamed to admit this, but sometimes I think I will just forget it all just so I can stop feeling awful everyday. I know everyone knows how much this destroys your life. Sometimes I just want to take a break from the pain. I miss my husband and I want to be in his arms. Im stronger when we are apart, but we see each other often because of the kids and when I do, I want him to stay and hang out and snuggle and watch a movie like we used to. But I know it wouldn't go away...

AmberDust posted 1/19/2014 12:56 PM

I remember DD#2 when I begged FWH to choose me. I had always told him that after DD#1, another DD would be the end. I didn't know I was in false R and I hadn't found SI then. And there I was, pleading for him to tell me the truth and being a mess alltogether.
I was afraid to lose him, our M, safety for the kids... Now that he has had IC he knows there is no going back if there ever is a DD#3 or inappropriate contact whatsoever with whomever.

[This message edited by AmberDust at 12:56 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]

norabird posted 1/19/2014 22:15 PM

For me it's the coulda/shoulda/woulda that seems to keep me in pain... And a feeling that I don't have any choice but to be sad. I have read from others (and believe!) that they eventually saw they were giving the wayward the ability to hurt them, but it's hard when it's fresh. So here I am, upset by thoughts of his building up an intimate relationship with the OW that denies even the very existence of OUR relationship, despite knowing that I am lucky to be free of his toxic lies and that he can only offer brokenness and pain. And upset over the loss of a love that was with a person who never really had the capacity to match what I was giving. It didn't feel like a lie though and in many ways it was real and good.

Wishing I had more control over my reactions (though I feel firm about NC and that no new pain will come), but also trying to give permission myself to have made the mistake of trusting him since it came from a place of sincerity on my part, and also forgiving myself as much as I can for the fact that I am in mourning over the loss, even though I know I deserve better.

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