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The real work

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nevergiveup10 posted 1/16/2014 17:56 PM

Had an intense MC session today, I think my BS understands what the work is now. She had said in the past she didn't understand why her IC called it work.

Our MC (Who is also her IC) led her down a path to expose her anger and rage to me. She had never done this in MC before. She admitted she keeps things pushed down, otherwise she feels weak. She's afraid if she's weak she won't be able to handle all the emotions.

I'm so proud of her for going outside her comfort zone, I know it was so hard for her. I'm also very thankful she is willing to expose herself emotionally for the sake of us. I never realized how truly wonderful she was.

After the session she said she wants me to get mad when she's letting loose on me. She said it would validate what she is saying, but she took it back saying she doesn't know how she wants me to react. I know getting mad is the last thing I would ever do.

It feels like progress to me but we both left emotionally drained, not happy and close like we usually do when we leave MC.

silverhopes posted 1/17/2014 03:20 AM

That definitely sounds like progress! It sounds like she was very self-conscious about exposing her feelings.

After the session she said she wants me to get mad when she's letting loose on me. She said it would validate what she is saying, but she took it back saying she doesn't know how she wants me to react.

This is very interesting. Did she want you to get mad at her, or mad at your choices that she was talking about? If she wanted you to get mad at her - is that something she's used to when she expresses herself? I don't necessarily mean from you - was she shut down a lot by her FOO? Discouraged from expressing her feelings?

Prayingforhope posted 1/17/2014 05:48 AM

This sounds pretty amazing on all fronts. My BS is still in the "push it all down" stage and openly shared in MC (our last session for a month) that for her own healing right now, she needs to emotionally disengage from me. It's a survival technique and I really hope it helps her.

That being said, the MC was clear that the healthy way to deal with the rage is in MC - a safe environment for us both. So if we ever get to a stage of R, I can see how your experience will be a roadmap for what we need go through.

I would never put a silver lining on this horror I created, but it amazes me daily how we, as a couple, have this opportunity if we chose to take it, to rebuild the relationship we want. No one would ever wish this much pain on someone just to MAYBE have a better relationship, but I'm getting to the point where I understand how some couples have stronger marriages as a result of the trauma.

Never let a good crisis go to waste. Thanks for sharing. The hard work can take years I understand, but to do it together, as a team, has value in and of itself.

Keep it up!

nevergiveup10 posted 1/20/2014 17:29 PM

Silver, I think she wants me to get mad at her calling me out on my actions. In the past, I was never one to own them. Growing up she had to keep feelings inside or else she risked looking "weak". Maybe she wants some reason to discourage her from sharing them, it won't come from me!

Praying, my BS def detached from me after the first month. She maybe needs to decide as my BS did if she truly wants just you, apart from everything else. It was tough knowing that was her dilemma, but it taught me to let go of my need for control.

When mine realized I was the one, that was the start of our partnership and building our second marriage (IMAGO lingo).

I know without a doubt our relationship will be even stronger than it was before. I always believed we would work through this, that's the only way to get through the day.

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