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Remorseful?

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sparkle09 posted 1/16/2014 19:14 PM

I see a lot of post on here about WS being remorseful. I just don't know he cries to me, apologizes constantly, started therapy, hasn't started blaming me (yet), cut off contact with OW but I still don't feel it's enough. He lied to me for a week ab the extent of the affair. He came up with an elaborate story ab how it was emotional not physical. During that week he swore on our daughter it was not physical? Said he was turning to God and cried to me about all while still lying. I backed him against the wall and that is the ONLY reason I got the "truth" which still wasn't the full truth. The OW is the one who told me it was 2 1/2 years not 1!!

norabird posted 1/16/2014 22:00 PM

Being lied to is practically the worst part--maybe try explaining to him how much you need to know it all and to have him be honest to trust his remorse? I'm sorry :(

tushnurse posted 1/16/2014 22:07 PM

Welcome know that you are in a safe place. So sorry you get to be menmember of this club.

There are huge difference s between being sorry you werre caught and being truky remorseful for ones actions. Sorrt I git caught. Is usually met with the same kind of"oh shit cover my ass" nonsens as opposed to the"i am an idiot and an ass. Please forgive me for what I have done"

Its hard to know the difference at first but you will figure it out. The sooner you can the better.

Remorse is owning ones actions and not blaming the world for your crappy choices. No anger. No blaming. He will understand that you can not trust at this point. He will get the need to check up on him

Remind him that the only thing that you know is that liars lie. The more open and honest he is the better.
((( And strength)))

peoplepleaser posted 1/17/2014 06:18 AM

I'm so sorry you are here. I hate to share this, but my WS was the same way after DDay 1. Remorseful, crying, and trickling truth. She was so very good at the lying. But I knew in my gut that there was more and after DDay 2 she became what I read about in other WSs. Unremorseful, blame shifting and hateful. I hope that is not your story. Just be prepared in case it goes that way. And come here often.

hopefullromantic posted 1/17/2014 10:14 AM

I don't think most waywards are remorseful right away, although they may feel quite guilty. It often takes a while for true remorse to settle in. Consequently there could be a slip up or two of broken contact, and certainly trickle truth before they see the light. An A is very much like an addiction, which is hard to quit cold turkey. Many waywards (and probably most) screw up at first, but many go on to be truly remorseful and turn their marriages to happy ones again.

This of course makes it all the harder for the BS to know whether attempting to R is a good investment of their time. It all depends on the couple, the relationship, their past history, etc. Only you can know whether it is worth trying. There will be pain either way, perhaps less to just divorce right away, perhaps not.

The most important thing, I think, is that the BS be firm and consistent with their expectations. Not so easy, I know. The sooner the WS sees that their BS will not tolerate further bad behavior (and there is a learning curve) the sooner they will find remorse. If they don't, then at least the BS will know they are wasting their time.

Howie posted 1/17/2014 10:47 AM

Hopeful Romantic (above)states the issues of this very well,in my view.
The perps too are only human.They too can be in a state of shock, their self indulgent contrived world of deceit is over. They have grown used and accomplished at lying;their brains are wired to fabrication.Which is not to excuse the offense but to explain why even the best(?)betrayer(and they do differ,as people do)can have trouble really confronting-which means confessing-their deceits. As it takes time for the full implications of the new universe of disclosure sink in to the betrayed, so to the betraying.I'd say, from painful experience,give them sometime and scope. Be-as Romantic says, firm and consistent.Remorse should soon be evident and then, the outward proof :incremental if needs be full disclose with minimal defensiveness.You need to know as much as you need to know-not how much he cares to tell. Disclose indicates remorse and remorse the vital foundation of reform for a new future together,IF you are to have one.
It's all hard, good luck.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/17/2014 10:56 AM

Honestly Sparkle, I don't think there's a BS on this planet that has EVER gotten the 100% actual truth from their spouse on D-Day. They always go into damage control mode and water down everything to make their part in the affair look as 'innocent' as they possibly can. I'm a firm believer that if affair partners get any kind of face time alone, they're not spending that time reading magazines or discussing politics.

I'm surprised you got ANY honesty out of the OW, but then again, some of them turn on their married men when they discover he had no intention of fulfilling any of the phoney promises he'd made to them during their affair.

In either event, ugly as it may be, at least you were given the truth.

Sending you strength.

sparkle09 posted 1/17/2014 12:12 PM

Well she had a fiancé and I was told by both of them it was just sex with a friendship no talk of love or caring for one another. I had the pleasure of hearing a 40 minute conversation she didn't know I wa listening to and he repeatedly told her we both know it was just sex and we were wrong for taking it there and she agreed. He explained to me she served it to him on a platter and he was too weak to say no. She even told me she was going through a divorce when it happened and was in a bad place so I believe she is the one who put it out there. WS said since hey had already went there it was just easy to go back. Ugh how is this my life again?!

spond posted 1/17/2014 13:54 PM

((sparkle09))

[This message edited by spond at 1:56 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

ziganska posted 1/17/2014 14:07 PM

Hopefullromantic is correct, though it's hard to process, especially when you want things to work. My H is extremely remorseful and committed to R but he still withheld little details here and there for weeks. He finally came clean (the hard way) and he told me that his default has always been self preservation so even though he knew I caught him in a lie, his gut reaction was to protect himself. He also didn't know what my threshold would be so he was afraid if he came clean, that would put me over the edge and D him. Its something he has to really work on now with therapy and writing things out...and taking a beat before impulsively reacting in a defensive manner to the one who is willing to work through this (me).

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