SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

jrc1963 posted 1/16/2014 20:08 PM

I have several friends who I text back and forth with on a regular basis...

Some I see everyday, at work, and some live far away...

Some of them are married or in relationships with kids...

They seem to only be able to text when they're SO's are busy/gone or their kids aren't there. And than as soon as the kid or SO walk in they have to go...

I have a kid... I have a SO... But if they need to talk, I always talk to them...

I'm starting to feel a bit used... But I'm not sure if I should.

authenticnow posted 1/16/2014 20:11 PM

I don't spend too much time talking on the phone when LD is home. I do text, but not if we're eating dinner or doing something. If a friend needs to talk about something specific of she has a problem, I make the exception.

If he's home, or the kids are here, my friends understand that my priority is them at that moment.

Family first, always, IMO.

jrc1963 posted 1/16/2014 20:19 PM

AN... By that standard I wouldn't text anyone... As when I'm home, FWSO is here. He's retired and doesn't go out much on his own.

And the kid is usually here also.

I don't text during dinner or family time... but I do text while watching TV with family.

I don't know... I guess it's just disconcerting to be in a long text conversation with some... who actually initiated the conversation only to be told... "Oh, Hubby's home, gotta go."

Sorta makes me feel like I was just the filler while she was killing time waiting for something better to come along.

Amazonia posted 1/16/2014 20:46 PM

Texting and other e-communication has created a weird new layer to communicating. It used to be that you would talk to someone in person or on the phone, and those interactions a have a very distinct beginning and ending. Texting or FB messaging someone on my phone, I can literally keep one running "conversation" going for days at a time. (We see this frequently up in general, when cell phone bills show up with thousands of texts - it's really not that hard to rack them up when you converse for an extended period of time.)

But it also divides your attention. Your SO is home whenever you are, he probably doesn't expect your undivided attention that whole time. If someone else only gets a few hours of quality time a day with their other half, or if they're actively engaged in doing something with that person, it's hard to divide the attention.

I think texting itself might be part of the problem. You very rarely are the sole or primary focus of anyone's attention while texting, in my experience. That's the only reason anyone is able to keep up the conversations for such a long time. You'd never spend ten hours a day on the phone with someone (aside from the limerance phase of a relationship, possibly) but it's easy to text on and off over that amount of time.

It might also be an easy excuse if the other person has run out of things to talk about, needs time to think about what you're talking about, etc.

I consider myself something of a reformed texter. I used to text a loooooot more than I do now. I found it was diluting the quality of my interactions with people though, in many aspects of my life, so I made a very conscious movement toward focusing on interactions that were of higher quality - in person is always my first choice, then Skype, then phone. Texting is almost exclusively for little one off things now (what time are we leaving? Which restaurant did you want to go to? Etc.) or if I know someone can't talk but I need to let them know something asap, like leaving a message for someone to get after a meeting or when they wake up.

truthsetmefree posted 1/16/2014 20:57 PM

Based on what you've described here, I personally don't really see a problem with it. I don't like to text or talk to anyone else when I'm present with someone. But that's just me - I don't multi-task well.

What I'm curious about in your situation, jrc, Is if you feel obligated to respond/continue a conversation when you don't really want. The fact that you are feeling used would suggest that you have a boundary that is being violated. But it may not be by the person you are thinking.

authenticnow posted 1/16/2014 21:21 PM

I guess the fact that your SO is retired changes it. LD works a lot and when he's home it's precious time. Now, that's not to say I don't text when we're watching TV, because we're just watching TV. But honestly, I have very few girlfriends I text with. It's mostly DD or DS, or my brother.

I was texting with my very good friend today when LD came in from work. We'd been going back and forth for awhile and he came in and I said that I had to go, we were about to have dinner.

And I think truthsetmefree makes a good point.

jrc1963 posted 1/17/2014 14:54 PM

Ama... While I appreciate what you're saying about Texting I find it a better form of communication.

1) I have a slight hearing deficit that makes phone conversations difficult for me.

2) The friends I have who are out of the area prefer texting as well... In fact, one person I've only ever texted... I've never spoken to her on the phone. And the other one, tho she came to visit me once, prefers texting as well.

What I'm curious about in your situation, jrc, Is if you feel obligated to respond/continue a conversation when you don't really want. The fact that you are feeling used would suggest that you have a boundary that is being violated. But it may not be by the person you are thinking.

Truth... this is something to ponder. Whom do you think may be violating my boundary? Myself or some other person.

Amazonia posted 1/17/2014 19:53 PM

You feel that way, okay, no problem. But does your friend? Or does the fact that you feel that way mean she ought to be obligated to prioritize your conversation over her time with her husband?

The circumstances under which I'd say she should prioritize you would be if you were mid way through asking her advice or support on something. If you were just chatting or if she asked something of you but already got the support or answer she was needing, why should the conversation be obligated to continue indefinitely?

Human interaction naturally has breaks, beginnings and endings. Technology is changing that with the constancy of connection, people sharing every mundane detail with someone or everyone - but the fact that it's possible doesn't mean it's healthy and shouldn't mean anyone is obligated to be so connected if or when they don't want to be.

Would you be upset if you were having the same conversation over coffee (hearing impairment aside) and your friend at the same point said she had to leave to go home?