I can forgive him wanting this friend, wanting the distraction, finding her fun or funny or interesting.
I can't forgive the secrecy, lies, intimacy. I can't forgive the trips, plans, sex. I can't forgive the disloyalty, the massive selfishness, pure gall.
The unforgivable list is longer. Deeper. It gnaws at me.
I can forgive, that they became friends, that he found her to be young and diffefent, and funny.
But I can't forgive that he LET her befriend me, LET her come into our home, LET her have dinner with our family, LET her befriend our kids! For 3 or 4 fucking years!!!
Everytime I allow myself to think about that.... that's just some messed people right there!!!
[This message edited by jackie89 at 10:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]
Me -BS (49)
DS 21, DD 17
and don't know if I can forgive that either
You don't have to forgive that shit!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Its hard to forgive that he kept on going after DDay and carried on with her with seemingly no remorse
? He made me feel like I was crazy to doubt him or be suspixious, seriously he made me feel awful and like a bad wife..utterly cruel and don't know if I can forgive that either.
Two of my not forgives yet too
I wanted specifically to talk to her about the forgiveness issue. Throughout counseling, the topic comes up, I'll admit I am not close to forgiveness. She'll respond that things are slow with some men, etc.
I want to get across to her in private that I feel like the recent "polar vortex" here in the US will have to establish a permanent home in hell before I can consider forgiveness.
I am trying to live with the situation, but forgiving? Not at all right now.
Do I forgive my X? No. He has not ever even asked for it or truly pulled his ego driven head out of his a$$. Do I accept it? Yes. Absolutely. Do I have to live or be around it him or his sick craziness? No.
Last DDay: 7/15/09
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.
[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 11:44 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Not your WS. Your WS may ache for your forgiveness, or beg for it; but it isn't about them. If you R, they are certainly a part of the process. They need to do a lot of hard work over a long period of time to show you they are a safe bet.
I forgave my FWH about 9 months after Dday, and that is FAST around here. In fact, I woke up one day with this feeling like maybe I could forgive him, and I sat with that for another month, and talked to my IC about it extensively before I told my FWH. Why? Because forgiveness is scary. No need to rush it and no need to feel badly that the list of things you aren't ready to forgive is long.
With time, and with greater understanding of the 'why's' of the A, and if your WS shows with his actions that he is a safe person to forgive, that list may get shorter.
That said, daily life now with him is good. I don't need to forgive those things to enjoy the person he is today.
For me the word retains an element of "that's ok". And since it will never be "ok", by my definition I i will probably never completely forgive.
Mind you, at a few months out I thought I did. But I was confusing forgiveness with feeling bad for him.
So now I have replaced the concept of forgiveness with "I love you anyway". It works for me as it allows me to appreciate the present without acting like the past didn't matter.
As they say around here....YMMV.
There are two columns in my brain. One is of things I can forgive. The other is things I don't know how to forgive.
Dyinghere - I'm the same way. Unfortunately, there are far more checks on the unforgivable side. I completely agree with what you have written.
I just wish WW had been honest with me, the literally hundreds of times she could have been.
The smart man divorces a lawyer.
The smarter man never marries one in the first place.
To her we were never worth the effort. :-/
It is for sure the betrayal and the lies that hurt more than him having sex with someone else. If only that were it, maybe I could forgive that.
It was 1000's of lies over 15 months of an affair. It was not ever trying to talk to me if there were problems. Not respecting our life together, our kids wellbeing enough, to realize the risk he was taking. The way he told me-UGH- so selfish so wrong. The lack of remorse. The poor judgement- bringing that skank into my home to meet me and befriend me? How cruel that you and she knew….and I knew nothing and how sick is that? That is sick sick sick.
And now, the way he is conducting himself during this Divorce…..his true character is exposed. He is a coward, he is lier, he is emotionally immature, he is terrified and projecting all the crappy things he does or would do onto me….I am accused of being a vindictive bitch who is out to get him and destroy him.
yeah, I SEE YOU and I DO NOT WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU ANYTIME SOON.
I have been able to forgive him for most of the physical aspects of his 9 month A, all but the sex. But then there are days when I get jealous of him and his other relationship and I'm just not sure I've really forgiven him for any of it, and not sure I ever will.