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User Topic: Things I can/can't forgive
Dyinghere
♀ 41313
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are two columns in my brain. One is of things I can forgive. The other is things I don't know how to forgive.

I can forgive him wanting this friend, wanting the distraction, finding her fun or funny or interesting.

I can't forgive the secrecy, lies, intimacy. I can't forgive the trips, plans, sex. I can't forgive the disloyalty, the massive selfishness, pure gall.

The unforgivable list is longer. Deeper. It gnaws at me.

Sigh.




Posts: 138 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
jackie89
♀ 38271
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally aggree!

I can forgive, that they became friends, that he found her to be young and diffefent, and funny.
Whatever..

But I can't forgive that he LET her befriend me, LET her come into our home, LET her have dinner with our family, LET her befriend our kids! For 3 or 4 fucking years!!!

Everytime I allow myself to think about that.... that's just some messed people right there!!!

[This message edited by jackie89 at 10:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
tara1110
♀ 41202
Member # 41202
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can forgive him if it was a PA but to continue the affair after dday and to leave me and my son and my furbabies... Unforgivable...


Me BS:34
H WS: 28
OW: 33 (butter face... Thanks to sistermilkshake for the nickname)
Dday: July 24, 2013 (5 days after our 5th wedding anniversary)
7yrs together, married for 5 yrs
Status: divorcing

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: North Carolina
whereismylove
♀ 41794
Member # 41794
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its hard to forgive that he kept on going after DDay and carried on with her with seemingly no remorse. Other DDays followed, like it was olden times and he had himself a proper mistress. On his birthday he fucked her and I caught him and while I barely survived out in the battle zone he carried on with what can only be described as an epic sex marathon for the next three days. What the f#@%$ is that all about? He made me feel like I was crazy to doubt him or be suspixious, seriously he made me feel awful and like a bad wife..utterly cruel and don't know if I can forgive that either.


DDay: Nov.6th, Dec 24, Dec.27(2013) Jan 10th(2014) & texting during false R until July 2014.
Me : BS, 36. awesome doting wife & former stay @home mom now back 2school and work.
Him: WS, 43. EU spouse. 7 months long "accidental" affair. Fol

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern California
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion:
and don't know if I can forgive that either

You don't have to forgive that shit!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6188 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its hard to forgive that he kept on going after DDay and carried on with her with seemingly no remorse

And
? He made me feel like I was crazy to doubt him or be suspixious, seriously he made me feel awful and like a bad wife..utterly cruel and don't know if I can forgive that either.

Two of my not forgives yet too


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can forgive the conversations he had in July with a co-worker. It's harder to forgive that he lied to me for years about another incident, continued to see the OW after he knew how I felt about it, and hid everything from me. It's hard to forgive all the emotional abuse. The projection, gaslighting, and complete disregard for my feelings.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Justgreatnews
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we were at MC yesterday; we both really like our counselor. We talked and agreed that next time, I'd come in alone for a little bit, then my wife will join us.

I wanted specifically to talk to her about the forgiveness issue. Throughout counseling, the topic comes up, I'll admit I am not close to forgiveness. She'll respond that things are slow with some men, etc.

I want to get across to her in private that I feel like the recent "polar vortex" here in the US will have to establish a permanent home in hell before I can consider forgiveness.

I am trying to live with the situation, but forgiving? Not at all right now.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My problem, I am too quick too forgive and not let her own up to it, but that has changed.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ 41347
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My problem, I am too quick too forgive and not let her own up to it, but that has changed.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
lost_in_space
♀ 24302
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not forgive much of anything without genuine remorse and effort to make amends. But...I do accept things for their face value and then chose how to handle things after that.

Do I forgive my X? No. He has not ever even asked for it or truly pulled his ego driven head out of his a$$. Do I accept it? Yes. Absolutely. Do I have to live or be around it him or his sick craziness? No.


Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.


Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
whereismylove
♀ 41794
Member # 41794
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS says" what do you want me to do, get on my hands and knees and beg for forgivness? Well I wont do that!" Ha! He hasn't done anything, not even taking the passcode off his phone. Oh, but he doesn't see it that way... he says,"well im here aren't I?" Yes, so glad you decided to stay with me cause the little girl said she couldn't commit to you, and then later moved. SIGH.....
I guess I should wake up and smell the coffee.. even though he says he doesn't want to loose me, that he loves me, and wants to grow old together, his actions and his asshole demeanor say: I've fallen out of love with you, I don't respect you and I know that you love me so much that you'll put up with my B.S..... does anyone agree? Its hard and sad to admit the person you adore and built your life around doesn't feel the same. Actually I think the fact that he doesn't really truly love me anymore is worse than any other thing I know!!!


DDay: Nov.6th, Dec 24, Dec.27(2013) Jan 10th(2014) & texting during false R until July 2014.
Me : BS, 36. awesome doting wife & former stay @home mom now back 2school and work.
Him: WS, 43. EU spouse. 7 months long "accidental" affair. Fol

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern California
PurpleLilac
♀ 42031
Member # 42031
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 11:44 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


Me-BS
Him-WH

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
♀ 37765
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to forgive anything. Not. A. Thing. If you WS is upset about it, or pressuring you, FTG. If your MC or IC is pressuring you to forgive, fire him/her. If you work and work and work on healing your pain, I truly believe forgiveness and acceptance will come; but it isn't fast and it cannot be rushed. And for the record, there are some here who believe that you R your marriage without forgiveness.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. Not your WS. Your WS may ache for your forgiveness, or beg for it; but it isn't about them. If you R, they are certainly a part of the process. They need to do a lot of hard work over a long period of time to show you they are a safe bet.

I forgave my FWH about 9 months after Dday, and that is FAST around here. In fact, I woke up one day with this feeling like maybe I could forgive him, and I sat with that for another month, and talked to my IC about it extensively before I told my FWH. Why? Because forgiveness is scary. No need to rush it and no need to feel badly that the list of things you aren't ready to forgive is long.

With time, and with greater understanding of the 'why's' of the A, and if your WS shows with his actions that he is a safe person to forgive, that list may get shorter.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Dec 2012
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not forgiven a number of things, starting with how he neglected us all prior to the affair and that he let me run myself into the ground while I was sick and my daughter was recovering from a long hospital stay. That there was a LTA on top of all of this only makes it worse. I'm never planning to wear a ring again to remind myself of the reasons I can't fully trust him.

That said, daily life now with him is good. I don't need to forgive those things to enjoy the person he is today.


Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we kinda put too much pressure on ourselves to forgive. And depending on your definition of forgiveness, that may or may not be necessary.

For me the word retains an element of "that's ok". And since it will never be "ok", by my definition I i will probably never completely forgive.

Mind you, at a few months out I thought I did. But I was confusing forgiveness with feeling bad for him.

So now I have replaced the concept of forgiveness with "I love you anyway". It works for me as it allows me to appreciate the present without acting like the past didn't matter.

As they say around here....YMMV.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
totalheartbreak
♂ 41589
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are two columns in my brain. One is of things I can forgive. The other is things I don't know how to forgive.

Dyinghere - I'm the same way. Unfortunately, there are far more checks on the unforgivable side. I completely agree with what you have written.

I just wish WW had been honest with me, the literally hundreds of times she could have been.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2013
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine getting to the point of forgiveness.

It is for sure the betrayal and the lies that hurt more than him having sex with someone else. If only that were it, maybe I could forgive that.

It was 1000's of lies over 15 months of an affair. It was not ever trying to talk to me if there were problems. Not respecting our life together, our kids wellbeing enough, to realize the risk he was taking. The way he told me-UGH- so selfish so wrong. The lack of remorse. The poor judgement- bringing that skank into my home to meet me and befriend me? How cruel that you and she knew….and I knew nothing and how sick is that? That is sick sick sick.

And now, the way he is conducting himself during this Divorce…..his true character is exposed. He is a coward, he is lier, he is emotionally immature, he is terrified and projecting all the crappy things he does or would do onto me….I am accused of being a vindictive bitch who is out to get him and destroy him.

yeah, I SEE YOU and I DO NOT WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU ANYTIME SOON.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Jesu
♂ 36422
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just over 1 1/2 years since DDay, and I'm not even close to anything resembling forgiveness for anything related t the A.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't forgive the lies,the deceit, the lying to my mom so she had to watch our kids why she would be late to work, the giving up on me when i was struggling with ppd before the actual A started but that resulted in his a, the multiple ddays when he would swear they were done only to take it underground,then the years of TT, and that he planned to leave me and our 3 kids. I can't forgive him for putting me in a position to stay with him unhappy,or leave and break our kids hearts, or the fact that he still won't fight for this M, although he doesn't want us to separate or D.

I have been able to forgive him for most of the physical aspects of his 9 month A, all but the sex. But then there are days when I get jealous of him and his other relationship and I'm just not sure I've really forgiven him for any of it, and not sure I ever will.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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