Big vent here--just need to distract myself, keep away from breaking NC by posting.
Long day crying on the phone to various friends and on the bathroom floor at work, reaching out to everyone I could think of to keep from reaching out to exWBF. Still waiting with part of myself for that apologetic phone call or email or text or IM, despite knowing it doesn't matter, he has shown his true colors; and yet wanting at least contrition, remorse, an affectionate goodbye instead of a big f-you ending. Same desire that made me push us to go counseling after DDay1 when maybe I should have just let it go. I did stay pretty much NC that month, this time looking to avoid the 'pretty much.'
Tonight went to a friend's and listened to her before divulging that there was new drama on being asked. She has her own problems and it felt good to help her do the dishes and bring her a bottle of wine without being all 'me-first' even on a day like this.
But eventually I can't be on the phone or with friends. More of what he said last night is sinking in. Nights when he didn't answer the phone and I freaked out and he told me basically to back off or said he had gone to bed early or was at the company Christmas party til late, when he said 'I slept alone' and I believed it. Becoming increasingly angry with him for continuing to lie to me when he had SEEN all the hurt I was in and all the help I was trying to get from him, but also angry at myself that when he said I was gullible and he could just tell me what I wanted to hear, it had the ring of truth. I DID believe him every time despite his recent betrayals, even though I also was clear about what I needed and what behaviors I objected to. But looking back there were no consequences, I was a pushover and not firm enough even though I was communicating my feelings about his letting me down.
I'm trying to think--ok, I believed him because I couldn't imagine that he would STILL try to live dishonestly after the talks we had about the need to not hide things, after he admitted and supposedly regretted the damage he did. I knew he had behaved selfishly but I thought--now he wants to learn not to be that way. Naïveté but from a place where assuming people try to love with integrity is a normal assumption.
Still I'm definitely mad at my being blind still after everything. I wanted it to go back to being the loving secure relationship I thought it was. And I always prided myself on my self-esteem and independence! And definitely kept all my friends and interests going so at the crisis moment I had great support, a decent job and a place to go live on my own. No reason not to have walked away them except for my having faith in things he said; looking back, seems like chosen ignorance, putting my head in the sand. (That's probably not fair--I told him he needed IC, and he convinced me he was doing it; of course that made me feel safe, and I think NO ONE would have guessed it was a total lie).
Also having more twinges of mind movies from those nights he 'slept alone' in the bed I used to share, that I bought sheets for just last week (reimbursed but still). The fact that I had no idea just makes it salt in the wound.
Also keep returning to my good memories, some of which are from the night before the bomb dropped. 'You're so beautiful. Not just on the outside, on the inside. You're a beautiful person.' I feel gross that I ate this stuff up and I also want it back, but guess what--nothing to get back, it was a mirage and smoke and mirrors and I KNOW that my self-respect really can't coexist with getting back in the line of fire. And he doesn't want it back anyway, humiliatingly--he said he wanted to be 'free'. Free to continue not knowing himself and living inauthentically I guess.
Going to see my IC (who I love) next Tuesday and plenty of plans lined up to see people who will support me...and I can dimly imagine being with someone who isn't doing a resentful disappearing act while with me, or suppressing hateful thoughts to mislead me for some screwed-up motivation. But the anger and the hurt now, and the desire also to numb the pain with the person who GAVE me the pain, feel like they are pushing me under. I know I will keep getting up but I feel overwhelmed and desperate--wanting some escape and knowing the way out is through.
This is exactly what I went through ten weeks ago, when I decided to try R'ing, but with clarity to the future path and right choice that was lacking then as I felt torn at the time about whether or not to have faith. I thought the clarity would make the emotions easier to handle but it turns out to include a sad, clear vision of how easily I was duped, and an even deeper level of betrayal where the person isn't just partially obscured by events but totally gone.
And then there are flashes of the self who I remember and who I want to meet again in the future: getting in a cab to go home (to my sublet) tonight, hearing Bollywood music from the front and asking it to be turned up, and remembering myself years ago first getting into this music after traveling to India and loving it; remembering my adventurous self and making a note to look up bollywood movies showing soon and asking a friend to go to one. Moments like that are so happy and self-affirming, finally not being in the cloud and fog and seeing everything the way it is, outside of the hurt for a time.
I know that's why they call it the rollercoaster. It's exhausting but I can sometimes feel that inside the deep pain I'm growing and learning, maturing and changing in ways that will shape who I am in the future and make me more wise and self-aware and better (I hope) at making the choice of whether to trust someone. It feels a bit like being inside of some walled off space from other people who haven't had this pain, like they can't know as much; but I try to remember that people who are happy and settled now have their own traumas in the past or waiting in the future, or that maybe in some cases their calmer happiness comes to them because they understood something about what's important in love that I missed big time.
Anyway I know this is a long ramble but none of it is being sent towards the exWBF so I don't have any regrets! 
